[confused55]

I am so sad. I have dated a guy for over a year now. We recently had a discussion about taking it to the next level. I am ready to consider calling us a couple, but he is not. He said that he doesn’t want to rush into anything too soon like he’s done in the past. He recently moved here from another state about 1 1/2 years ago because of his job. He has 1 child each by two women (an ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend) in the other state that he moved from. He also has rental property there. He goes back and forth from here to the other state throughout the year to either visit his children or take care of rental property issues (which I also have rental property & know how much of a pain in the butt they can be…). My concern is that I believe what is holding him back from committing to me is that he is still involved with his youngest child’s mom (the ex-girlfriend AKA “baby mama”). I read his text messages on his phone last month without him knowing and came across one from the baby mama saying, “I miss you and your daughter misses you too.” His text message reply said, “I miss you too”. Not I miss my daughter….but I miss you too.
This was so heart-wrenching to me. Although he only gets to see her maybe once every 2 months or so and he spends every free moment with me when he’s in town and treats me like a queen….there’s no way I can compete with a baby mama especially when she’s out of town. I have absolutely no control over what he does, especially when he’s out of town.
I told him that I had some concerns about him still being involved with her since the child is young (3 years old). He said he is “not involved with his kids’ moms in order because that keeps away the drama of child support and also that it wouldn’t work out because of them being long distance and only seeing her 3-4 times a year since he is out of town.” Although he has been back there at least 5 times this year that I can remember.
Because he is telling me that he’s not ready to commit and consider us a couple, should I be upset or okay with all that I know and his decision? Do I have the right to be upset that I believe he is still involved with her or does his ‘not wanting to commit’ give his the permissible out? Is he maybe waiting on the perfect time to break it off with her before he commits to me? As I mentioned, he lives here and spends almost ALL of his free time with me, so she would have to be a fool to believe that he doesn’t have anything going on here because he doesn’t answer most of his calls when he’s with me.
I don’t think I would ever reveal to him that I read the text message. But knowing what I secretly know, I just want to know if I’m fighting a losing battle… Will the baby mama situation always exist? Should I move on or should I maybe give until the end of the year and if he doesn’t commit move on…. Please give me some advice.
P.S. I have hung out with his child twice this summer. She is 3 and well advanced in talking. Often times, a man would want to keep the otheer woman away from the child if there’s a chance she could go back to the mom and mention the other woman, but she is only 3…so who knows how that could be covered up……so confusing.

[April Masini]

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have different life experiences because he’s been married, divorced, had two children with two different women, and has long distance relationships with his young children, not to mention co-parenting relationships with his children’s mothers. That’s a lot of relationships compared to your relatively unencumbered life. This relationship may or may not work, but at best, you have to understand his obligations that preceded you and will last for the rest of his life. You need to walk into this with your eyes wide open and be honest about [i]your[/i] own needs and whether or not this relationship will work for you.

Your boyfriend will be involved with his children’s mothers for the rest of his life. By visiting his out of state kids five times in one year, and maintaining real estate in the state where they live, I would surmise he’s trying to be a good father and he wants to be involved in their lives. There will be school events, soccer matches, dance recitals, prom photos, weddings, Thanksgivings, Christmases and other regular events throughout each and every year where your boyfriend may want to be with his children as they get older, and this will involve interaction with their mothers. There may also be medical events that regard the children, disciplinary events, and as kids get older they sometimes want to see or even live with one parent more than the other. In other words, expect changes when it comes to blended families. He will never be able to “cut it off” completely with his childrens’ mothers until the kids are 18 and over when he can have relationships with them as adult children. And even then, there are going to be family events where he will be involved with the kids and their mothers.

If your boyfriend does decide to declare you as his girlfriend, and even marry you, you can pretty much count on the mothers of his children changing their attitude about him. If they know there is going to be a stepmother (that would be you!) in their children’s lives, they may not be as loose about custody arrangements or child support as it sounds like they have been up to now. And if they’re jealous of you emotionally, let alone as mothers, it’s going to be even hairier. It doesn’t mean you can’t do it — it’s just going to be different than if you two had met without having exes or children. It sounds like your boyfriend already understands this dynamic and is trying to make it work for him by not making you a big part of his life.

Your boyfriend may still have feelings for his ex-girlfriend with whom they share a child, but feelings are understandable. They were once in love and have a child together. What matters is if he’s faithful to you [i]enough [/i]for you to feel okay with the situation. People who are divorced have a myriad of feelings about their exes from love and regret to hate and violence. Your boyfriend’s feelings for his two exes (even though one is not an ex from marriage) falls within the range of normal for his social status. In other words, since the two of you are just dating, and his ex-girlfriend wants him to see their child more, she may say she misses him, and he may say he misses her back and they may both mean it. The two of you aren’t engaged or married — from his side of the story, he’s entitled to express his feelings for his ex.

If he’s sleeping with his ex, or dating her, that’s a different story. Don’t tell him you saw the text message between he and his ex. It doesn’t serve any purpose right now, and will just make him angry, so keep that to yourself. What would be really helpful is if you could meet his exes since you’ve been dating for a year, and you’ve met one of his two children already. By meeting his exes, it would show them that you’re part of his life, and you’d get a better understanding of who they are, and who they are with him when he’s around, too.

However, if he’s not even willing to take you on an out of town trip when he goes to visit his kids and check up on his rental property, ever, then I’d be very concerned that he’s playing you. If after a year of dating, he’s still not ready to commit or consider the two of you a couple, and he won’t introduce you to his exes, even casually, I’d suggest that if you are interested in long term monogamy or marriage that you move on.

He’s taking good care of himself. You should take a lesson from him! You’re right to be disappointed, but he hasn’t done anything wrong. You are the one who needs to take responsibility for yourself. Next time you date someone, if things don’t work out with this guy, understand that when a man (or a woman) has children and ex-spouse/s, things are going to be complicated, and you might want to be hyper sensitive to find out if he truly is ready to be monogamous and/or married so that you’re both compatible.

Check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, and scrolling down. You can get the book for $14.95, and it may be just what you need at this time in your life when you’re in transition. You can read it straight through or pick out the chapters that relate to your specific needs and questions on any given day. You’ll recognize dilemmas that women get into, and how to remedy them and avoid them. You’ll also get tips and advice on how to date successfully and find Mr. Right.

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