Obsessing over the other woman

[CMR]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years. A year ago we separated due to infidelities on his part. I left our home and everything inside. We spent time equally with the children and both agreed that we would not start dating other people (this was brought up by him not me). I found out about this other woman from my two young children telling me they made breakfast with lady so-and-so who had sleep in “mom’s bed”
Fast forward many arguments over this topic and over a year we have been back together. I’m still angry at this woman. I’m still annoyed that she was in my home and went through my closet and helped herself, that she “bonded” with my children. The worst part I see her ever week, still to this day . We are all billiard players. She happens to frequent the same establishment I do to every week. When I see her I have this rage. I get sweaty palms, red face and a black out anger.
It’s been over a year. She has been long gone. I hate that someone has that much control over my emotions. I want to be over her, over it , and have neutral feelings about it. I’m tried of being angry.

[April Masini]

I’m sorry you’re so upset. Your rage is understandable — when a mother feels her relationship with her children is threatened, her feelings may become primal. That’s what’s going on. You’re also upset that your boyfriend didn’t co-parent with you in a more communicative way. He could have told you he had a girlfriend who was staying over and spending time with your children. The way you found out, through the kids, was hurtful. I get it.

That said…. now you’re back together and you’re still angry whenever you see her. The way to get over this is to take a breath (or ten!) and process what happened. There are some places in the timeline where you did things that didn’t serve you. For instance, moving out of your home and leaving your ex and your children there was not a smart move for you. It created a space to be filled — and your ex at the time did just that. There was always a chance that he would start dating once you split up, and since you left the family home, it would make sense that his dates would be coming there and spending time there. If he had left, or if you had both given up the house and found two smaller new ones, you might not have been so hurt. The other thing you have to remember is that people are human and they make agreements and they break them. While you were clear on the no-dating while separated agreement, your at the time ex didn’t go for it. Right or wrong, that’s a possibility in any “break” or break up that happens to a couple.

The woman your then-ex/now partner dated didn’t really do anything wrong. She was kind to your kids. She accepted your then ex’s invitation to stay in the house. Your rage is misplaced. It wasn’t her that created this situation. It was your ex, and to a certain extent, your actions as well. I know it’s hard not to blame a third party, but it’s not going to help you get over this blind rage. Instead, focus on the relationship you have with your partner and work on whatever it was that split the two of you up for the year you were apart. If you can’t, and you do wind up separated again, do things differently based on what you know. 😉

I hope that helps!

[Author]

Posts