Online dating confusion

[confused]

Dear April and other readers,

First of all, sorry for the long post. I don’t know where else I should go for advice so I thought I’d try here. I’ve never done online dating before until I came across this guy online. He lives in Europe while I live in New Zealand. We became online friends after we played an online worldwide video game which enable players worldwide to communicate to each other. To cut a long story short, I’ve been online dating this guy for 3 years. We talked about our lives, life goals, even meeting each other in person for the first time. Up until the end of the 2 years I’ve been dating him online, we seem ok. Our only means of communication is chatting online, telephone texts and E-mails. We managed to chat almost every weekend until about a 10 months ago. Our communication is dramatically reduced to just one E-mail every few months. I could never get a hold of him to schedule a chatting time to benefit both of us. He used to have a previous bad relationship in terms of the fact that his ex-girlfriend dumped him for no reason at all after he visited her in the States.

I’m extremely confused at his lack of effort to make the relationship works. For the last 10 months, I have always been the one to initiate the communication such as leaving him online/offline messages, E-mailing him even sending him actual cards and letters to his address (which he gave to me in the beginning) in Europe. I’m not sure if he feels the same way about me like how I feel about him. He started telling me the reasons he wasn’t able to chat with me online or send me a single E-mail were because he had to go spend time with his sister and his nieces, other times he would say he had to work in the weekends now. In the beginning, I told him that if one of us don’t feel the same about each other, we have to tell each other. My question is that did he ever like me at all or is he just being nice to me? Later on he said he could not meet me in person just yet because he hasn’t gotten a house of his own (currently he’s still living with his parents). He said he wanted to buy a house for himself so that when he invited me to visit him, I could just stay with him instead of in his parents’ house. For your information, he has a 9-5 jobs 5 days a week. I was crushed and confused…because for me personally, if I like someone, I’d try to at least see him in person. I was even more confused because he was still living with his parents when he visited his ex-girlfriend before we even started dating. What’s so difference this time with me? What did I do or say wrong to be treated this way after 3 years of faithfully waiting for him? If he wants out, he could just tell me instead of not giving me any news and disappear into thin air. I’d be fine with his decisions. I might be hurt and sad at first, but I’d get over it. I just thought he would be the last person I’d expect to break up with someone without any news since his ex-girlfriend broke up with him by disappearing on him without news whatsoever. I don’t know whether I should wait longer for him or just move on? Maybe he’s really just busy? Am I kidding myself and on a denial? Please help me since I don’t understand the actual reasons of his lack of commitment recently. Thank you very much in advance for your advices and feedback.

Thanks,

Confused

[April Masini]

It’s very strange that you would consider your relationship of 3 years a committed one since you have never met in person even once. Online dating is a wonderful tool for exploring your dating options, but it isn’t a way to conduct an entire relationship. Dating should happen in person in order for the relationship to be a real one with a future.

When your boyfriend stopped being available, instead of accepting the reality, you decided there must be confusion. It would have been easier for you to understand that when a man stops making himself available to you he is losing interest in you. There shouldn’t be confusion about that. Disappointment, perhaps, but ultimately, acceptance.

Your confusion over your boyfriend’s lack of interest in being available to you online after 2 years of an online only relationship is probably because he’s moving on with his life in the “real world”. My suggestion is for you to do the same.

When you choose a man with whom to have a relationship, compatibility is essential to the success of the relationship. You chose a man who lives in a different country, cutting your chances of being together in any regular way, considerably. Next time around, choose someone closer to home.

And remember how wonderful the internet is as a tool — but it can’t be where you live your entire romantic life. If a man you meet online isn’t interested in meeting you after a month or two, find someone else who is available and compatible with you in real life — not just online.

[Gardenia6791]

Dear April,

Thank you for you reply. I guess I was in a state of denial and didn’t want to accept the fact that I had to start finding a guy who is closer to where I live and start leaving in the real world. I think dating him online was a safe and comfortable option for me in the beginning because of the abusive nature of my 2 previous relationship before this. It’s funny that I needed a total stranger to tell me this when I should have figured that out a long time ago on my own. I felt like I wasted 3 years for nothing…for a guy who obviously he didn’t deserve my love and attention. I thank you for opening my eyes and showing me the cold hard fact about my problem. I guess I just needed a second opinion about this and to hear it from other people. So again, I’m extremely grateful and I’ll try my best to make myself available again in search of love.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,

Gardenia6791

[April Masini]

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them, and am glad I could help.

From your last post it sounds like the problem that really needs attention is how you can find someone to date who is not abusive — without distancing yourself entirely from them. Trust me — there is a middle ground! 🙂 Your instinct to be protective of yourself is understandable and a good one. But try to date people who you can actually meet up with in person. You can still protect yourself and date in person.

Take baby steps, and make sure you play the field and not attach yourself to any one person prematurely. Consider dating a process, and get to know the men you date as thoroughly as you can early on. Don’t date anyone too often too early. It seems like you were eager to attach to this last guy before you ever got to know him in person. Be aware of this desire to attach that you have and protect yourself from it. This information gathering and sharing that makes up so much of the first few months of dating men may give you confidence to move forward with people — or to decide someone isn’t right, and if so, not see them any further.

[Gardenia6791]

Dear April,

Thank you for your last advice. Since my last post here, I was debating to send my “boyfriend” an E-mail telling him that I needed to move on with my life. However, I don’t want him to think that I’m chasing after him. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that he was no longer interested in me. I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to end things on bad terms. I realized he didn’t even have the guts to tell me that he wanted out of the relationship. But if I didn’t let him know about my decision to move on and go our separate ways, it means I’m just the same as him…a coward and believe me, I’m not a coward. Do you think my decision to send him an E-mail as my closure is a good idea? I’m not entirely sure this is the greatest or even the smartest idea that’s why I’m asking you for a second opinion. Thank you for all your honest and helpful advices.

Regards,

Gardenia6791

[April Masini]

Since you’re truly ending the relationship, sending a goodbye message and taking the high road, even if your soon to be ex-boyfriend never does, is a great idea. The way you live your life in spite of others’ bad behavior, is important. Follow your instincts and send that goodbye note to your boyfriend telling him it’s over. But most importantly, honor yourself and make sure it’s over. This guy isn’t right for you. You now realize it. Don’t just take the high road in ending the relationship — take the high road in living your own life and doing what’s right for you from here on in. 🙂

[DOROTHY]

I’d just explain that i couldn’t eat anything there and ask if they would like to go to another restaurant.

i mean, it’s a good test. if they’re not going to respect my morals, then they’re probably not suitable dating material for me.

[April Masini]

Hmmmmm…..that’s a funny last response. Maybe Dorothy has more than online dating confusion! 😆

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