[DazednConfused]

Please give me some feedback. I have waited for my ex to return for over 2 years. He had some serious emotional issues that he needed to deal with. Things were just starting to return to normal when he is told he has to work abroad for a year. It’s a great opportunity for him to get a promotion. I told him we would find a way to work it out, but I don’t know if I really am willing to do that. I was going to wait for him to get abroad (because it really is a great opportunity for him) then send him an email telling him not to contact me again. On the one hand I want him to do well with this job and get back together, on the other hand, I want to wait until he gets overseas, then break up with him for not choosing me over the position. If I break up now, he won’t go away, and I don’t want him to stay because I offered an ultimatum, and I don’t want him to lose out on this opportunity. I think I want to be with the man who says, “this is a great opportunity, but being with you is more important”.I don’t think I want the guy who asks if it is OK to do this. I have never loved anyone more, and I would give up a job for him, should I be with someone who won’t do the same for me?

[April Masini]

It sounds like you don’t want to be with him regardless of whether he’s here or abroad, but you’re using this issue of him taking a job abroad as an excuse to break up with him. 😕

Don’t play games with him — it isn’t fair to him for you to mislead him into thinking you will work things out if he goes abroad, knowing you’re going to break up by e-mail as soon as he’s left the country. If he isn’t the kind of man you want, then just break up with him without misleading him. You are entirely entitled to date and marry whomever you want, but it’s wrong to play a man like this.

I hope that helps.

[DazednConfused]

Thanks very much for the advice. I didn’t think I was game playing ; I thought I was doing what was best for him by letting him go, then breaking up with him because I didn’t want to be the reason why he may regret giving up such a great career opportunity. But after reading your comments, I realize that I am game playing which was never my intention. I need to carefully examine all the reasons why to work things out, or end the relationship. After these two years apart, I need to ask myself if I really want to be with the person he has become, and not use this situation as an excuse. Thanks again.

[April Masini]

Sometimes you don’t see things about yourself or your own life until someone else (me!) holds up the mirror you need to look into. So I’m glad I could help you see what was going on that you didn’t see on your own. 🙂

When you start deciding what’s right for [i]him[/i] instead of for you, you’re being presumptuous and possibly wrong! [i]He[/i] is the only one who should decide how to live his life, which is why you being straight up honest with him and breaking up with him now, then giving him the opportunity to go abroad or not, is the best thing for both of you. When you start manipulating (which is what it is) your actions because you’re doing what you think is right for him, when really it’s just all a lie, you’re doing a disservice to him and yourself.

Honesty works.

Don’t try to be the mother of a man you’re with by taking care of him in ways a man should be taking care of himself. Step back, and allow him to make decisions about his own life. I promise you it’s best for everyone in the long run.

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