Please help!! I am completely clueless as to what’s goin on!

[relationshipa1]

Hi everyone!!

I really need some help with a dilemma I’m having. This is a unique situation that may sound bizzare but here goes:

I work with a guy who is 10 years my junior and I just happen to be his boss also. We get along well at work and at the Xmas party last year we hooked up and ended up making out in the back of a cab we shared (which he inisited on paying for). I invited him back to my place and he declined but promised me another time for sure. The next day when we spoke about it, he said it would be better if we remained friends as he didn’t want a relationship. I told him that I also wasn’t looking for a relationship and bluntly told him that I was attracted to him and obviously wanted to sleep with him. We continued to flirt here and there and on my birthday, a month later, we all went out and after a few drinks I asked him back to my place. He again declined because he had something important to do early the next morning (which actually turned out to be true as I thought he was blowing me off). We left it at that and on some occasions we would text one another raunchy messages about what we would do to one another when we finally get the chance (texts always initiated by him).

I got busy and saw less of him at work and so the text messages faded and I thought we were done and dusted. A few months after my birthday he texts me out of the blue asking me what I was doing. Turns out he was out with his mates close to my place and asked if I wanted to come out. As he was with his friends I declined but told him to have fun. A few days after that he starts texting me raunchy messages again (about as raunchy as he can get because he is quite a gentleman), and then it stops again because I refuse to initiate the messages.

I recently had a few work friends over for drinks at my place and he came along. We were talking and everyone was saying that they had to work the next day so couldn’t have a big night. He explained that he had uni in the morning and that he had a huge presentation due which accounted for 60% of his overall uni score. Suddenly it was just him and I left outside with two other friends left inside (everyone else had left). Our conversation got on the D & M side and somehow I ended up on his lap kissing him. He responded and it got a little hot and heavy but he won’t touch me anywhere initimate unless I place his hand where I want it to go. In the heat of the moment he pushed me gently away and said that he really had to leave as the oher guy left inside was driving him home. I asked him to spend the night with me but he said he couldn’t due to this uni presentation. In his defence, it really looked as though he was having the biggest struggle with staying or going, but I can’t help but feel that he was just making another excuse. HIs friend went to wait for him in the car and I obviously got annoyed and so booted him out the door literally. He knocked on the door a few seconds later and grabbed my face, stared into my eyes and told me I was beautiful and once again it got hot and heavy. It took him almost an hour from the moment we started kissing for him to eventually leave.

We then texted for an hour and a half after he left and he again said he was sorry but this presentation was his chance for a bright future as it was infront of some VIP’s and that was his priority at this moment and he knew he would have spent the whole night with me if he had stayed and he just couldn’t have done that. I told him that I felt this had been dragging on for too long (it’s been almost 6 months since the first hook up) and to just tell me if I was waiting out for nothing. He said that there aren’t many things we have other than our word and that I definitely had his but right now he just has too much going on.

I guess my question is what sane guy wouldn’t sleep with an attractive woman but yet be willing to kiss her repeatedly? I can’t work it out and sometimes wonder if he’s just stringing me along with no intention of ever sleeping with me. I’ve told him that it would just be one time and that all I want is one night with him and he says that it will definitely happen when the time is right (he is obsessed with having things happen spontaneously) but I can’t help but think that he’s hiding something. I find it hard to believe that he may be lying as he’s always told me the truth from the beginning. Any insights would be really appreciated. Sorry to have bored you all with the long story, but it had to be told complete to understand the situation.

Thanks in advance for your advice or insights!

Bella

[April Masini]

First of all, you’re treading on very dangerous ground as far as sexual harassment in the workplace goes. You’re his boss, and you’re pursuing him sexually. This isn’t an even playing field because you’re older and in a position to influence his job, so my advice to you is to back away from him quickly and firmly as long as he works for you.

The second reason I think you should move on is because he’s not interested enough in you to even sleep with you let alone date you. So in answer to your one question at the bottom of your post, about why a man wouldn’t sleep with a willing, attractive woman, the answer is because he doesn’t want to. It’s really that simple.

You’re not clueless — I don’t buy that for a second! 😆 But you are unwilling to accept the reality that he won’t give you what you want when you want it — if ever, and [i]you want your way![/i] Your solution is to accept that you can’t always get your way, and to find some grace in order to move on.

I hope that helps you — even if it’s not exactly what I think you wanted to hear.

And while you’re mulling my advice 🙂 check out my new Facebook Group, AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url].

[bella1979]

Hi April,

Thanks so much for your insight. I agree with some of it but not all of it. Yes I want what I want when I want, you’re completely right about that … but if he really didn’t want anything to do with me, why would he keep pursuing it? And if he really had no intention of following through, why would he give me his word when I know for a fact that he is extremely proud of his word and any promises he makes?

I know I sound pathetic … it kills me that I’m still thinking about him but I can’t believe that he simply doesn’t want to do it. It just doesn’t sit right with me and I almost know that there is something more to it than just meets the eye …

Would love more points of view 😉

[April Masini]

You’re looking for excuses to have what you want! 😆 Nice try, but it won’t work because YOU are too smart to believe your own baloney. You’re not clueless — not for a minute.

Your guy has backed off because he doesn’t want to get in too deep with his boss — and he’s right. You didn’t mention how old either one of you were, but since he’s 10 years younger than you, it’s entirely possible that he’s just young and was intrigued by your prowess and being with an older woman. You made it really clear that you just wanted sex, not a relationship, and he’s basically turned you down, although he played with you a little here and there. He’s probably dating other women, and you were a novelty — sorry to be blunt, but let’s call this what it is. There was no love affair or profession of romance. Just sex and raunch and a one night stand. Nothing wrong with that — but don’t expect dinner and a movie. It’s not coming. Believe it or not not all guys want sex anywhere they can get it. A lot of them are discriminating.

Move on and if you like younger men, go for it!! But elsewhere.

I’m sorry if this is blunt — but you are way too smart and sophisticated to play the teenager.

Check out my AskApril.com group on Facebook, and maybe you’ll get some more advice there: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755[/url].

[bella1979]

I know you’re right April … with every fiber of my being but I just can’t stop. I have been gut wrenchingly honest with myself over the past few days and turns out i have feelings that run much deeper than I originally thought and much deeper than I originally anticipated.

Last night I had dinner with a mutual friend of ours (who also happened to have offered him a one night stand late last year when she terminated her employment where we work) and he also turned her down and she wasn’t even going to be around anymore as she moved to an island!!

Something that may be of relevance, at least my friends seem think so is that when we were making out at my place, I wandered down south and he seemed to quickly move my hand away but not before I got a feel of a quite small package. Everytime I tried to venture south, he would pull my hand away but yet was happy to keep kissing and touching me.

I hate the way I sound trying to make all these excuses and I know I need to move on but I physically can’t. When I try to, I feel physically sick and I know this is just making me stuck. I honestly am not so cluless as to what’s going on … but I am cluless as to how to let him go. He has this hold on me and he knows it … I don’t know how to stop wanting him (nor how to stop feeling for him).

Bella

[April Masini]

If you want to hold onto the fantasy that you’re clueless 🙄 then here’s how you let go of your dysfunctional behavior:

1. Accept that he doesn’t want you. Face it — he’s not interested in you.

2. Don’t call him.

3. Don’t text him.

4. Don’t e-mail him.

5. Don’t talk to him unless it’s about business.

6. Don’t touch him.

7. Don’t go out socially in any group where he will be.

8. If he calls, texts, e-mails or talks to you, other than for business, hang up, delete, block and turn away.

Is that simple enough? 😆

Okay, here’s the fail safe and worst way to stop your behavior: If you STILL can’t stay away from him, go to your company’s human resources department and tell them that you can’t stop asking one of your employees for sex even though he’s refused you — and that should get you fired pretty quickly — then you’ll have unemployment to worry about instead of this guy! 😆

[i]Seriously[/i] — there is a difference between wanting someone and doing the right thing or behaving appropriately. Toddlers want what they want, but they have to get socialized to be allowed into school. They learn that even though they want candy or no bedtime or something else, they can’t have it. They have tantrums because they are told, “No.” Then, they figure out that if they want the good stuff in life, like being invited places like school, play dates, and to be let out of a time out, they have to adapt to social rules.

[b]You [/b], admittedly want what you want, and like a toddler, you’re having an inner tantrum, creating emotional havoc for yourself that is no doubt distracting you from healthy living. You can want him, but if you’re as clueless about letting him go as you write you are, these 8 steps will do the trick. The 9th one is not one I recommend, and was meant tongue in cheek, but it’s a way for me to explain to you how silly it is that you write that you don’t know how to cut off from this guy. 😆 [i]C’mon! You know what to do.
[/i]
If you get physically sick from the stress of not pursuing him, then go to the gym and work out so your endorphins distract you and make you feel better, or go volunteer at a cancer clinic where people have real problems and will help you put yours in perspective.

And the obvious solution here is to look for other men to date — especially men who don’t work with you and who want you! I’m sure there are hundreds of those guys — you just have to be open to those possibilities instead of pursuing a guy who isn’t right for you.

I hope that helps. I also hope you’ll check out my newly forming FB group, AskApril.com on FB at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]. It’s free and it’s another place for you to spend time that isn’t with him! 😀

[bella1979]

Hi April,

Just an update … turns out he’s from a strict catholic home and he’s a virgin! Guess that explains it ….

[April Masini]

Even more reason for you to stay away from him!! 😕

[bella1979]

Acknowledged … thank you for all your input though 🙂

[tonnywillgram]

knowing that he is from a strict catholic is enough reason that you keep your distance from him.

[April Masini]

Good luck!!

See you on Facebook! Become a member of my group page here: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]

[bella1979]

Hi April,

Last night it was confirmed (by his best friend to my best friend who as it turns out are dating) that he is indeed a virgin (I was previously already told as you know but not from the most reliable source). His best friend also confessed that he is now scared to get together with me because of the fact that he has talked it up so much (with the explicit texts etc) and is worried about being disappointing and so forth. I must admit that I am extremely flattered that this is still something that he wants (for me to be his first time) but is just afraid of going through with it. The truth is at the end of the day, I don’t care that he is a virgin. It doesn’t influence my decision to still want this with him, and it just makes me respect him all the more for it. The problem now is that I know the truth but yet I can not let it be known that I know. I can not straight out speak with him about this because then his best friend will know that I betrayed his trust and I just can’t have that.

I guess what I need help with now is, how do I let him know that I know or at least suspect that he is a virgin and it’s ok with me, that it doesn’t matter and doesn’t change how I feel about him? At the end of the day, this will not turn into a relationship, but I would really like to be the one who gets to share his first time with him. If I had found out that he doesn’t want it to be with me as he wants it to be with someone he loves then I would respect that and would not hesitate in walking away … but now that I know that this is something he really wants but the only thing stopping him is his fear, it makes it impossible for me to let it go when it’s something that I so dearly want to share with him.

I’m really open to suggestions of how I can go about having this conversation with him. You must understand that the situation is delicate and he is too afraid to be alone with me as he’s worried that we will start kissing again etc. so gettting him and I together alone is going to be a mission in itself. I certainly can’t talk about this with him at work and he lives with his parents so thats out of the question.

The thing I’ m most struggling with here is that it’s all fear based as to why he won’t go throught with this and I would hate for fear to have ruined what could have been … If he at least knows how I feel about this, which I find hard to bring up with mentioning that his best friend told me, then I am happy to let him decide where the next step takes us.

Thanks in advance for your input April … I just need this to be done one way or another.

[April Masini]

You’re his boss. You’re ten years older than him. You’re sexually experienced and he’s a virgin. He’s made it clear he’s not interested in you. You’ve made it clear you’re only interested in sex with him.

Are you dense? Read all my advice to you.

You’re [b]stalking[/b] him. 😯 This is turning into a bad movie. Stop it altogether. Really. What you’re doing is completely wrong on so many levels.

Get a life and stop bothering this poor guy. 😮

[bella1979]

Ok … firstly I am not his boss. I am the supervisor when he is on shift but he does not report to me and I have absolutely no control over his employment. I realise I am 10 years older than him but not quite sure why that would be a problem. There are plenty of people in the world with younger/older partners. I’m not sure how you got the “he’s clearly not interested in you” part. If you read my previous post you would see that he is the one who told his best friend that he is interested but is afraid because he has talked the experience up so much and clearly has no idea what to do when it comes down to the crunch and I on the other hand am clearly an experienced woman. If he wasn’t intersted, I’m positive he would have told his best friend that and as his best friend is not one to spare peoples feelings, I would know by now if he is indeed not interested.

As for the stalking … I’m suprised you would say that. I don’t text him, I don’t call him, I don’t drive by his place, in fact, I see him maximum 2 times a week as he only has two shifts a week at my work and even then we’re lucky if we get to talk as I am busy working.

With all due respect, your comments are uncalled for. I am certainly not “dense” and I do have a life and that life just happens to include feelings for this guy.

[jonathan]

ever see the movie Disclosure with demi moore and michael douglas? if not, rent it. with the exception of the age difference being in reverse, it’s your situation. i agree with april. you’re his boss and you’re treading on thin ice.

your friend tried to sleep with him and now you? sounds like every one is trying to have a one-night stand with this guy. on the one hand i’d love to be in his shoes, 😉 but on the other i feel bad for him because he is repeatedly being sexually harassed at work. 😥

have some self respect, and if you can’t do that, stop breaking the law! 😮

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