[April Masini]

I had a really good boyfriend and I really messed it up I had a lot of stressors one of which was being physically ill for a long time and he made a comment that hurt my feelings and we had an argument about and I took my stressors out on him and I went ballistic calling him from different phone numbers and emailing him pretending to be a client so it really affected his business and I called him the most horiffic name in the book, I was browsing on facebook, and he told a friend of his that he had been lucky in his relationship which was me, before the time I was sick and had all these stressors I was very sweet to him. I just confirmed with a friend of his that there wasn’t anyone else but me, he still is mad at me and wont talk to me, I have intentions of making up for his business but I cant do that anytime in the immediate future it is going to take me a couple months because I lost my business due to unusual circumstances and I would imagine he will forgive me when I do that, but what can I do in the meantime to make up to him? I mouthed off to his sister and he and his family are very close so I really feel bad, should I write her a letter/email of apology explaining what was going on? I am very depressed because I lost an amazing guy, I had been in and out of a hospital a lot and he stepped up to the plate helping me out, and he and his mom even took several days to find me a special present a gorgeous bracelet just to make me feel better. I’m very confused because he said something amazing about me on facebook, but he wont talk to me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated I miss him a lot.

[maelene87]

The best advice you can do for yourself is WORK on yourself. Stop thinking about him on how to make it up to him, he obviously really loves you despite your stress and sickness in the hospital. I understand what its like to be crabby at times and take it out on your lover when you arent well but a person can only take so much before they pull back. You need to get a grip on yourself and figure out why you seem to lash out to the people who are there for you, regardless if he said something to hurt your feelings you went overboard by calling his business. Try to write out your feelings and your frustrations on paper or in a journal, just because you are sick doesnt mean you have to take it out on him.

[Anonymous]

Right yes he does love me this is why Im so frustrated and I am mad at myself, a journal is a good idea but should I write his sister a letter apology? Should I wait a while before I contact him? I just saw a recent photo of him and I miss him terribly. I sent him an email saying he looked handsome in the photo that I saw.

[April Masini]

[b]Maelene87[/b] gave you good advice to work on yourself.

Specifically, you can start by apologizing to his sister you mouthed off to. Next you have to find a way to manage your anger so that when you’re upset you don’t end up destroying relationships. It sounds like your behavior in terms of ruining some of his business revenue was extremely immature and out of line and damaging. It’s going to be hard for him to trust you again — until he sees you’ve changed.

I don’t suggest chasing him (ever!), and since you’ve already e-mailed him that he looks handsome in a photo, I think that’s enough for now. You gave him the message that you’re interested in communicating with him in that e-mail. His silence in response is his refusal to connect with you now.

So, start with the apology to the sister, and make it a good one. No doubt his sister will contact him about your apology and the ball will once again be in his court.

I hope that you get to learn from this experience and take what you learned and put it to good use for your future. Let me know if that helps.

And I hope to see you on Facebook, too — join me at AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Well two sisters but right and he did say he would forgive me once i made up for his loss of business right I agree its hard for him to trust me again BUT I was in quite a bit of pain and dealing with a lot more than I could handle that wasn’t the only thing I was dealing with, should I explain this to his sister?

[Anonymous]

In my opinion the best apology is the unconditional one.

Not “I’m sorry, but…” or “I’m sorry if…”

Just “I’m sorry” is a lot more genuine.

Jen

[Anonymous]

I cant say I agree with that I dont want his family to think I am some freakazoid stalker and unless you have severe chronic pain its hard to say what it does to you.

[April Masini]

[b]Jennyonetwenny[/b] is right. A conditional apology is not good enough. Since you have chronic pain, it isn’t going to go away. It’s chronic. Therefore, YOU have to be the one to be responsible for your behavior. You can’t use your medical issues as an excuse because they are permanent. There was no good reason for you to mouth off to your ex-boyfriend’s two sisters and expect there to not be fall out. In addition, the way you expressed your anger by sabotaging his business was very detailed and it took time and thought — this wasn’t just you blowing your cool and blurting out some cuss words or breaking a glass because it was next to you and you were being impulsive.

Clearly, your anger issues are going to affect whatever relationship you’re in and if you have a chronic medical condition that triggers your anger, you have to balance managing your medical issues and your temper.

Think about it from your ex-boyfriend’s sisters’ points of view. If you apology conditionally, they’re going to assume that next time you have a bad pain day or stretch of days, you’re going to lash out at them or sabotage their brother’s business. They can’t trust a conditional apology. What they will need to see in order for you to have any hope of their accepting your apology, is that you acknowledge what triggered your behavior and you’re committed to changing your life so that never happens again.

I hope this helps.

Join me on Facebook, too — I’d love to see you there, and haven’t as of yet. Here’s that link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]. 🙂

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