Rational guy in an irrational state of mind =]

[ManUp2012]

Hi April,

I’m 21 and a senior in college. Sorry in advanced for the winded story

3 weeks ago I had my fraternity Semi-formal and was set up through a co-worker/close friend who goes to a nearby college with this great girl who had one month ago gotten out of a 3 year relationship (she too is a Senior but will going into her 5th year). I was barely acquainted with her before as I had talked to her for maybe 10 minutes total ever before the semi-formal night.

The Semi-formal was amazing. Literally the best date I have been on so far. Dinner was great and we danced our butts off. We talked for hours and hours and went back to my room and cuddled and watched a movie together. In the end of the night, I dropped her back to her college and she gave me a goodbye kiss. It’s important to note that we were NOT hammered. In the course of the night we both had a few drinks but (she told me anyway), she was not drunk, just good and buzzed.

The following day I called her. She didn’t pick up, but then texted me back the next day saying she was sorry for not getting a chance to call me back due to big project due for a class (understandable). We texted for a bit and flirted a little bit. I told her I would be off the grid for a bit due to finals but said I would call her on Friday to see if she wanted to hang out that weekend. She said “Okay, call me Friday. Good luck with finals!”

I called her and asked her out to coffee that Friday. She responded by saying she had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn’t ready to date and wanted to hang out as friends. I wasn’t sure what to do but told her that I had a great time at the date party and ended it there. I decided to simply leave her alone b/c her Finals were going to happen that week. I was pretty crushed about the outcome.

After a week, I contacted my co-worker friend and explained the situation. She ended up talking to the girl the next day asking how the date party went. The friend later told me that the girl “lit up” when they talked about me and said how much fun she had. She said she didn’t know if she’s ready to date but would think about hanging out after the winter break. Her friends (who know me and like me) commented that she should give me a chance and that no one is telling her to rush into a relationship. My friend told me that I should call her, again.
The next day, I called her to see how her finals went . We chatted lightly for a bit and she then said we should hang out after winter break and we both sweetly ended the conversation at that.

Its now the new year, she comes back next week to start her school. We haven’t talked at all during the break. Its been 3, almost 4 weeks (I wanted to give her space and let her just chill out).

How do i approach this and not mess up or get into the friend zone? I am aware that getting her to be my girlfriend might take months, but how do I make it clear that I don’t want to be friends but give her time to heal from her break up. I think i’ve done an okay job so far keeping my distance and letting her breathe.

Cheers,
Rational guy in an irrational state of mind

P.S. April, don’t write this off as a “just some college guy going into a fling state” sort of deal. I’ve been on countless dates these past few years and nothing has even come close to how great this date or girl was. 🙂

[April Masini]

When you get back to school, give her a call and ask her if you can take her out to dinner on Saturday. There’s no mistaking that as anything but a date — and you’re right to not want to fall into the friend zone — so keeping your communication clear (you want to date her) is a good idea. If she tells you again that she’s not ready to date, then back off for a few months. But if she doesn’t, proceed as if it’s game on. 😀

Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url].

[ManUp2012]

Thanks for the reply April!

I was wondering currently if i’m in a neutral position, positive position, or already fighting an up hill battle?

[April Masini]

I don’t think you’re fighting an uphill battle. And I think she likes you, so you’re in a positive position until you have more information. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url].

[exback4ever]

It really sounds to me like this girl likes you, but she is in a place in her life where she feels a bit uneasy about getting into a serious relationship. I think you are doing great up to this point. She definitely likes you; she just needs to be able to let go of her fears and completely trust you.

[ManUp2012]

Called her the other day. We had a great light conversation and she sounded delighted to hear from me. Then I somewhat shyly asked her if she still wanted to hang out. She replied with a “YEAAHHH” and we’re going to hang out next Sunday. I told her i’ll call her next week sometime to solidify plans.

I basically have one huge fear at this point, and I need to do this right. I don’t want to be the rebound guy.

Advice on how to approach?

Thanks guys.

[April Masini]

First of all, it’s great that you asked her out, but remember what I wrote you about not being in the friend zone. Make sure she knows it’s a date and not just friends hanging out. That’s the way to make sure you’re thought of as a boyfriend and not a friend.

Also, whether you’re the rebound guy or not has more to do with her readiness to get back out there and date again, than it has to do with you. My concern from what you’ve written is that you’re going to become a friend. You see, if you give her boyfriend cues and she is ready for a boyfriend you’ll know because she’ll respond to your boyfriend cues — but that means [i]you have to give her those boyfriend cues[/i]. If you keep giving her friend cues, you’re in jeopardy of becoming the rebound guy, the friend zone guy and just another one of her friends she hangs with. This makes it a lot harder for you to find out if she’s ready for a boyfriend or not.

I hope that helps!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url].

[ManUp2012]

Thanks April. I’m actually not too afraid of entering the friend zone at this point (call it a new sense of confidence or whatever) – at this point she can tell i’m interested in her and it looks like she’s willing to let me chase her (from what I can see)

But I do have one thing nagging me and its probably me thinking too much into everything (again, clearly i’m in an irrational state of mind).

I called her today to solidify plans (I told her I’d call her Wednesday to figure out plans last week). Unfortunately she won’t be able to go out this weekend cos she has to go back home for the weekend due to a family emergency in Miami (we both go to school in ATL).

She did however say we should reschedule for next week. I told her next Saturday would be good and she agreed. I told her again I would call her some time next week to figure out the time, etc.

Am I looking too needy or desperate by keep on initiating the phone calls? This phone call was the first after 4 days, and the one before that was about 2-3 weeks before… I haven’t talked to her

Someone console me, tell me to chill out, or show me some tough love.

[ManUp2012]

Or am i not showing enough interest?

[ManUp2012]

or should I be flirting more through a text message here or there?

Alright..i’m done with my stream of thoughts.

[April Masini]

No — you’re not looking too desperate by initiating the phone calls. That’s what guys who really want the girl, do. 😉 Don’t text her or call her too often. Instead, contact her Wednesday and tell her you’re looking forward to seeing her and that you’ll pick her up at 7:00 on Saturday. Then show up showered, looking great, smelling great, with a flower or two or three for her, at her door. 😀

[ManUp2012]

So..i’m a bit gutted, but my sister has told me not all is lost.

As per the last conversation, the girl canceled plans for this past weekend due to an emergency.

However, this past Friday, she texted me saying that she ended up staying in town so if i’m around, shes down to hang out. I couldn’t hang out anymore but after a talk on Saturday, we talked about hanging out Thursday (she even said if anything, we could always get coffee and study together). Again, the conversations were light and sweet.

Today, I called her to solidify plans, and the girl basically dropped the ball on me and said “I want to make it clear that I just see you as a friend and i’m not interested at all.” I was taken aback..and replied, “like.. not interested ever?,” she sighed and sort of chuckled and said I don’t know.

After stumbling with some words, i confidently said “look, I know you just got out of a relationship, and i’m not an idiot and I wasn’t planning on going crazy the first time we hang out. But you’ll see i’m an awesome guy and give me a chance to show you that i’m a great guy. lets take it slow, and just have a good time.” She agreed and then offered to do a late dinner. I turned her down and said to just have a coffee and desert.

I’m still holding on to some hope… I told my sister the situation, and she said if I want her, I have to play this game for probably months and it could break my heart if, in the end, she still says no.

This is the first time in 5 years I’ve felt so strongly about a girl. i’m not ready to just give up. Even my sister (who ended up marrying the guy who she said no to the first few times he asked her out) told me to not give up yet.

April, help me make this happen. I know i’m probably way over my head at this point. But, this girl is worth it and I honestly believe its something worth fighting for.

[April Masini]

Okay, it’s time to break out the big guns! So, stand BACK!! 🙂 I want you to buy and read Date Out of Your League, [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], a book I wrote for men who want to win with women. It’s a pretty quick read, and it’s going to give you the lowdown on what women want and how to get them. AND, I’m now recommending it for you in your particular situation, because I think you need it.

It’s time for you to invest the time a couple hours (and $8.99) in reading this book. It’s going to help you a lot. 😉

Let me know what you think after you read it.

[ManUp2012]

Thanks for the ad plug…

I read half of it.

I’m well aware of what they want. Confident, Strong, etc. etc. I know I have to brush my teeth.

I’m a good-looking guy. I have a lot of friends who think I’m genuinely an awesome, fun, charming person. I’ve been on a number of dates, with a number of older women who are extremely attractive.
But, this one is different.

April, i’m sorry to sound a bit agitated, but I know what women want and look for. I am confident and am a great person. I just didn’t see the thing she said to me coming. I want to know how to proceed.

When we hang out tomorrow, I can’t have it look like a date anymore. The game has changed. She needs to see that I am a worthy of dating (which I know i am). I need to take it slow and build a relationship with her.

I’m asking you on how to proceed in that sense.

[April Masini]

It really sounds like you need to read the rest of the book! 🙄 Reading half a book isn’t going to cut it, and I’m sorry you see my advice as an “ad plug” 😳 . I give free advice to you and others on this site because I want to help. The sale of the book helps support that free advice, but honestly, I wrote the book because of questions men had about getting the girl. In fact, I gave you quite a bit of advice before I suggested you read the book because it was clear you needed some basics.

If you think that all you have to do is brush your teeth …. 😯 I’m not sure what else I can tell you. 🙁 Except that I hope you don’t read half your college textbook assignments, too! 😉

I know you’re in a big rush for a quick fix and easy answers, but that won’t help you.

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