Relationship Rocky Time

[Red]

Dear April,

My boyfriend and I started dating 17 months ago. I am 43 and he is 40. We moved in together 9 months later. I have never lived with anyone before, but have had long term relationships. He is divorced. We both love each other and enjoy our time together. We seem to get along great. In fact, everything was great up until a couple of months ago. Up until that time, we spoke frequently of spending our lives together.
In March and April, we were both under a great deal of stress. He has been working 7 days a week because he is trying to run his business while working on a side project (building a house for a rental). I work full time and go to law school 4 nights a week and at that time was going through final exams. Our sex life diminished greatly, we were tired all the time, we don’t seem to go out as much because of the economy, and we both got very snippy with each other.
One month ago, he was especially cranky one morning and I asked him if something was wrong. He said that he didn’t want to marry me. I asked him if he was sure about this, and he said he wasn’t. He said he didn’t think it work out because we didn’t have sex enough and he felt like he was always cleaning up after me. Admittedly, he had alluded to these things about a month before this, but I don’t take hints very well. I was shocked. Up until 2 months ago, all I heard from him was how “perfect” I am for him and how happy I make him.
In the end, we decided to try to work things out. I told him about how I haven’t felt appreciated for all that I do do around the house and I know I act out sometimes. A couple of days later (after he had a knock-down, drag out fight with his cousin) he said he was sorry and was just being a “doubting Thomas.” I told him I was sorry, too and that I know I hadn’t been the easiest person to live with over the past couple of months.
Since then, I have been much more attentive to household chores and he has been much more appreciative. We have taken a couple of weekend trips together, which have been really fun for the both of us. We are also having a lot more sex.
Okay, now here’s the problem – because of what happened, I no longer feel as secure about the relationship as I used to. Is this normal? Does it get better with time? I know he loves me, but I find myself obsessing over things he says, looking for more “hints,” etc. I am constantly worried that I am going to be blindsided again. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks!

[tricia]

You have the right to feel not secure after he said that his no longer wants to marry you. But I don’t think that the reason is valid. Relationship is not all because of s*x though it plays an important factor in every relationship. But if love was there, then s*x could be set aside and the two of you could perfectly understand the situation.

[April Masini]

I think that it’s quite likely that your answer lies in this sentence, “Admittedly, he had alluded to these things about a month before this, but I don’t take hints very well.”

Your boyfriend was trying to tell you that his needs were not being met and that you two needed to work together to get your relationship back on track. You weren’t taking the hint when he expressed his feeling subtly, so he sought a more dramatic approach which succeeded in shocking you into action, or should I say reaction.

Based upon what you’ve described you two have a pretty solid relationship and if this was the first time something like this has happened, I would chalk it up to a very important lesson learned…. Your relationship fell victim to what most relationships fall victim to — stress, pressure and taking each other and the relationship for granted.

The good news is that you both appear to have refocused your energies on trying to meet one another’s needs and have found a renewed appreciation for your relationship and each other. Congratulations.

Relationships take work and they need to be “feed” continually in order to thrive (and survive).

If you try and keep in mind the top five emotional needs a man seeks to obtain from his mate, I’ll bet this won’t happen again. Here they are: Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Domestic Support and Admiration.

[Red]

Dear April,

I appreciated your response. However, things seem to have taken on a new twist.

Although things are fantastic now, my boyfriend says that, ultimately, he just doesn’t know if he is ready to settle down. He has been in one long term relationship (and one marriage) after another his whole life, and he wonders if he should spend some time alone or just dating people for a while. He says he loves me but wants to be fair with me, because he knows that I previously wasted 9 years in a relationship that went nowhere, and want to find someone to spend my life with. He is not sure if he can commit to that.

However, he is still unsure. He knows that if he loses me, he loses me forever – I will not go back to him and will just move on.

I got a little upset over this on Sunday. Basically, I asked him if he was cheating on me (he said he wasn’t, and I believe him – I was just be mean) and I kind of accused him of lying to me. Up until February, all he did was talk about how he was totally in love with me and would love me forever, how I was everything he ever wanted, etc., and we always talked about the things we wanted from life and the things we wanted to do – together.

We left off that we would not make any snap decisions. I told him that the only things I asked of him were that he have an open mind and that he be relatively sure of what he was doing. In the 2 days since that time, he has been a little distant. He snapped at me about something stupid yesterday – I interrupted him when he was reading something. I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know if I should try a little bit more toward working things out, or just up and leave.

[April Masini]

I want to apologize in advance because I know this is going to hurt. However, you’re asking for my help so I’m going to be brutally honest and to give you the best advice I can….

In my opinion, if a woman feels like her guy is wasting her time and may never ask her to marry him, she should stop spending all of her time with him and immediately begin to date other men

[Author]

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