[sunshinegirl87]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 years now and have been living together for the past 2 and a half years. We are both in our senior year of college and our course loads are enormous. We rarely have time for a social life and it’s really taking a toll on our relationship, especially sexually. It’s gotten to the point where neither of us has time for sex or the energy to think about it. This has been going on for a few months now, and I just don’t know how much more of it I can take. We’ve talked about it a lot lately and it just ends up with us fighting. So then we’re mad at each other and yet I’m still sexually frustrated. I feel like I’m offering myself to him every night and 9 out of 10 times I’m turned down. I feel like my needs aren’t being met (I can’t see how his could be) and that we’re losing an important part of our relationship. Sometimes I feel like I should just wait until we graduate and see how things are. But I feel like things would just be worse by then. And sometimes I just feel like calling it quits with him. I know we both love each other a lot but I just don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice?

[April Masini]

It makes a lot of sense that you and your boyfriend are having trouble with your sex life because of your course work load at college. Physical exhaustion and mental stress not only impinge on your schedules, they can cut your sex drive, too. And while you may not be feeling a loss of that drive, it is understandable that he is.

Many couples get into fights over sex when one person in the relationship is sexually frustrated, but the fights can be alleviated and your sex life is not doomed! 🙂

What is required is a change in behavior. Here are some tips:

1. Don’t make him feel defensive or responsible for your sex life waning. Instead, be understanding of the tremendous stress he’s under. This change in your behavior will immediately reduce his stress which was compounded by his feeling like he’s failing you in bed.

2. Instead of “offering yourself” to him in the bedroom, switch things up, and offer yourself for his pleasure. Make the night all about him, and not yourself. Generosity goes a long way in the bedroom.

3. Don’t make your sex life about goals. Allow for sensuality alone, without anyone having to reach an orgasm. This will take the pressure off of him (and you).

4. Dial up your displays of affection for him out of the bedroom. Offer him neck rubs, back rubs, foot massages, that are all about his pleasure and relaxation.

5. Do things that make you more appealing and that are new and different (without pressuring him), for example, some new, hot lingerie, could be a real turn on for him. Sexy clothes instead of your usual college garb (whatever smells cleanest) may be a turn on for him. Try doing things to entice him and tease him, without pressuring him.

6. And lastly, make sure that both of you take time out of your college grind to have some fun that is stress-free. Go bowling. Go hiking. Go to the movies. These things take a couple of hours, and will get your heads out of stress land, and into fun. The more able he is to switch from homework to fun, the more likely he will be to employ that same switch from homework to sex.

I know it’s difficult, but if you can be patient with him, while at the same time, trying these techniques, you’re more likely to achieve success. This is actually a great opportunity for the two of you to master times of stress that affect your sex life, because if you stay together, there will be times like this throughout life in your relationship.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

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