[Jay]

Hello

Last night I had sex with a girl I have been in love with for a long time. The feelings were never mutual so I accepted, painfully, the “just friends” situation.

I am absolutely over the moon about what happened, obviously, but she really regrets it. I am now worried that she will distance herself from me as she feels guilty for leading me on.

I am ok if it never happens again but I have made clear that I will probably try it on again in the future. I know she enjoyed it but I also know she doesn’t see me as reationship material.

Do you think we will still be friends?

[April Masini]

What’s missing in your post is any talk of romance. I get that you’re friends with this woman and I get that you had sex and want more. Women that you have sex with want to feel valued by you [i]as a woman[/i] — not just as a friend with benefits. I know that this means readjusting your thinking, but it will be a wise investment in a future together as friends who have grown romantic feelings for each other and have a sexual relationship where they can express their intimacies and feelings to each other! 😉

Women love things like flowers, small gifts, love notes — anything that makes them feel like you really appreciate them as someone who is more special to you than other women. If this woman has uncertainty about having sex with you again, it may be because she hasn’t seen you express any feelings other than friendship and lust. You need to step up your romance game.

Dial up your good manners by holding the door open for her, pulling out her chair, and letting her walk through entrances before you. Simple caresses like touching her hair, putting your hand on her back, or brushing the skin on her arm, while you’re talking to her will bridge the gap between friendship and lovers and make her feel like you value her as not just a friend and a lover, but a girlfriend.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go! 🙂

[Jay]

I think I should have given more detail. Reading back what I posted sounds like I’m a teeneger, I’m actually 35!

I know the difference between love and lust and I feel both of those things and have done for about 6 years. Nobody would have helped out on her emotional crises over the years without having strong feelings for her.

Anyway, I did take some of your advice, with trepidation. I bought her a nice present, neither too expensive nor too cheap. A nice quality necklace and I made it clear that I wanted her to know that she is not just some woman I managed to get into bed.

She still regrets what happened and I don’t. I want it to be more but would rather stay in touch and be friends than just have nothing. She says she doesn’t want to ruin our friendship with sex but I really think that’s her way of letting me down gently. At the end of the day I just think I am not her type. For the record, I think she’s looking for a prince charming that doesn’t exist, I’m really not that bad of a guy, all things considered.

However, I am really worried that this has put a major spanner in the works. I am taking her out for lunch tomorrow and she wants to talk about it further. I don’t really know how to clear the air at all.

What will be will be I suppose.

Thanks

[April Masini]

Thank you for clarifying. Your age is important in this scenario.

Your friend has her feelings for you and you have yours for her. If there is mutual compatibility, like in a Venn diagram, then you have an opportunity to exploit that compatibility and pursue a romantic relationship with her. 🙂

What you can’t do is make her feel things she doesn’t feel. That said, what you CAN do is to show her the sides of yourself that she hasn’t seen since you’ve been “just friends” until lately. Men win women over all the time by not being “just friends” and by becoming the prince that women are looking for. If your friend has never seen the princely side of you, then now is the ideal time to start showing her your dating game.

What I’d advise you is to follow the advice in my book, Date Out of Your League, written for men who think that they can’t get the girl — but can, with my help! [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] This link will take you to the book. Pursue your friend as a girlfriend, and give it your very best shot.

But….understand that if she isn’t going to be Ms. Right, it’s your responsibility to figure that out and not waste your time or hers. So have your lunch date with her, and while you are scheduled to “talk about things” 😕 my better advice is to treat the lunch like a date where you’re trying to flirt with her, listen to her, show her your best dating self, and take the lead in moving this relationship from friendship to romance.

I hope that helps, and I wish you great luck! 🙂

[Jay]

Well hello again. I thought I’d give you an update as you spent the time to try to advise me.

The thing is, I really don’t see this woman as out of my league. I don’t consider myself a casanova by any means to be sure but I am stable, healthy, and a little spontanious. I’m not a failure with women but I just can’t have this one.

I am trying not to contact her after she has not responded to two of my texts (about 4 days ago now) as I don’t want her to think I am desperate.

She cancelled lunch to go see a good female friend of hers. It all went very quiet after that. I heard from her yesterday when she had car trouble. Before our encounter I would have just offered to go and look at the car for her, I can do that sort of thing, but now I just feel like she wants me to just do the boyfriend stuff without me having anything more. Before I would have just gone and fixed it, consoled her about something or other. Anything really.

Its all a big mess and it really does seem to have changed everything. I’ve gone from being over the moon to wishing it had never happened.

I’m sure she’s ok, hope so. I feel awful.

Thanks for having this site, blokes don’t tend to talk to each other about this sort of thing.

[April Masini]

It’s not as big a mess as you think it is! 😉

What’s happening is that you’re clarifying the relationship. The undertones of attraction have always been there, and this episode of your having sex with your female friend was going to happen eventually, and it did. Sex changes relationships, and it’s not like anyone threw a monkey wrench into yours. The attraction was always there, and your true feelings and true self emerged after you two slept together.

Now, you want to be the boyfriend and have more romance as well as friendship with your friend, but she’s not having it. To go back to being just friends while you’re still wanting her, wouldn’t work. So your relationship is evolving — even if it what it’s evolving into isn’t what you want. (Or what she wants.) Be patient with yourself. Your instincts are correct — she wants you to be her guy friend without allowing more sex and romance.

I think you are wise to not return her calls and not see her as a friend any more. As you, yourself say, you are valuable as a man, and there are lots of woman who do and will want you for who you are. Don’t waste time with someone who doesn’t. I commend you for taking this relationship to the next level because it’s what you wanted, and seeing if there was a future together, but now that you have your answer, and the answer is no, it’s time to move on.

Get back out there. You deserve it all. Go get it all!

[Jay]

I got her in the end 🙂

Just thought I’d let you know…

[April Masini]

Applause! 😀

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