Should I fight for this relationship or move on?

[dianas1086]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years (we have a 4 year old daughter together). We have been through many ups and downs and recently in March we broke up and he moved out. I admit that I was in part to blame because I chose my family over him and I would call him names and degrade him during arguments.

Because we have a daughter together every weekend he comes over my house and we spent the entire weekend as if nothing happened (we are intimate, we call each other baby, we tell each other we love you). I would ask him if he was seeing anyone else and he would reassure me that this break was for us to grow separately in order to be in a better relationship.

About 2 weeks ago I found out that through facebook he reconnected with an ex-girlfriend from high school. They hung out a couple of times and had sex (he claims only once not sure I believe him). I was heartbroken and felt betrayed.

He admits it was wrong but feels like it was not cheating due to the fact that we were “broken up”. He apologized and said that part of the reason why he had sex with her is because I lowered his self esteem so much that he liked receiving attention from someone else. He still wants to work on our relationship but wants to take things very slowly. He promised me that from now on he will be faithful to me and that he stopped talking to that girl (the girl also knows about me now).

The issue is that I have no trust in him whatsoever and I don’t want to be hurt again. Everytime I want to talk to him about this he shuts down and just wants to take things slowly. We can’t afford counseling and I just don’t know if I should move on with my life or keep fighting for my family? Is he just leading me on?

[April Masini]

You’re not getting the big picture. From what you’ve described, YOU’RE the one who blew it. 😳 Not him. If you want him back, you have to win him back. Everything he’s doing is right. When he moved out, he had every right to explore other relationships with other women. In fact, I think it was a good idea for him. He didn’t have a responsibility to tell you if he was dating or sleeping with anyone else since the two of you broke up. Your sense of betrayal is fueled by denial. Of course he’s going to date and have sex with other women. For you to think otherwise after the break up and move out was fooling yourself. 🙁

If you were degrading him and choosing your family over him, he’s right to want to see if you’ve changed before he decides to re-commit to you. Who in their right mind would put themselves in that situation? Not a healthy man, that’s for sure. In fact after your treating him like less than a partner, it’s completely understandable that he’s going to look elsewhere for respect and affection. It’s pretty normal.

You’re turning this situation around and stating that you don’t trust him. Well, you have no reason to distrust him. In fact, he’s the one who should be distrusting you to treat him well.

It’s time for you to change the way you treat him because regardless of whether you’re in a romantic relationship with him, you have a daughter together and for her sake, you need to treat her father well. If you’re not willing to change you’re going to have these problems in whatever relationship you get into with any man.

My advice is you take a good long look in the mirror and decide who you want to be, and how much you’re willing to do to be that person. The ball is totally in your court.

[dianas1086]

Wow I was not expecting that answer at all! It’s definately a reality check. I do have to admit I have changed a lot since he moved out (2 months ago). The reason why I would always verbally abuse him is because (not that it makes it ok) my father always abused my mother (verbally and physically) and she never said anything. Back then I looked at this as weakness but now I see how strong she was to be the bigger person. Subcounciously I didnt want to be a “victim”.

It just hurts that we were still being intimate and he was doing this behind my back all while lying to me when I asked him. He would drop hints like saying “I’m not having sex with anyone” “I stay home all day ” when in reality I also found it he was going out all over the place while I’m working, taking care of our daughter by myself 95% of the time, and going to school.

I also have a lot of pent up anger from our past (he’s cheated on me before) so I’m just confused. I know I have done a lot to hurt our relationship but I just think it’s wrong of him to have told me and given me false hopes saying that this break was for us to be in a better relationship and for the sake of our family. Specially since we have been together almost 7 years together and I have done a lot for him as well. For the majority part of our relationship I have been the “bread winner” and the only person he could rely on. Also how can you tell someone you love them and they are your soul mate but have sex with someone else? I just don’t get it. But thank you for the advice.

[April Masini]

You’re doing a lot of hard work looking honestly at yourself and your past. It seems like you’ve picked up a lot of unfortunate traits from your father — including being the breadwinner when you’re the woman in the relationship, as well as the mother of a child with your partner. 😳

Now, it’s time for you to start nurturing and evoking that feminine side of yourself. This is going to be a lot harder to do than to talk about. I strongly suggest you get my book called Think & Date Like A Man, and read it. You can download it here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. What you can learn from this book is how to bring out your female side. You’ve played the male role for too long, and it hasn’t served you well.

I have a lot of confidence in your taking on a more feminine role in your relationships leading to happiness and peace for you and your partner.

You’re right that he was betraying you when he said you were his soulmate, all the while sleeping with other women, but you have to understand your part in that. You drove him away with your abuse. He didn’t have the strength to just walk out on you — at least not all at once. In fact, he may never have been strong enough for you. You may have chosen him because he wasn’t, as well. 😕

I know this seems all to be awful right now, but I have a feeling that if you roll up your sleeves, you’re going to really make some progress, personally, and that progress will translate into peace and happiness in your personal relationships with others.

[martine4161]

Basically If you feel bad if he is hook up with the other girl then you are still in love with him and you should accept it. Actually he loves you also but at the same time he wants to show you that I can also live without you so you should forget everything and try to make the home again as ago.

[April Masini]

[b]martine4161[/b] rocks! Because you have a child together, you owe it to her to do the work and win him back. Your daughter deserves to have her father in her life as much as any other little girl, and you have to sacrifice as a mother to give her what is best for her. So put your ego on the shelf, and do the work you need to do to save your family.

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