Should I forgive him?

[cdvt]

I have been with the same guy on and off for the last 7 1/2 years. We started dating when I turned 16 and I’m now 23. I understand that being on and off again was necessary as we both had a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes, he was not the best boyfriend to me and it hurt a lot. This past year, he has done everything he can to apologize for the past and show me that I’m his first priority and he wants a future with me. But now…7 years later, he tells me that before me, he slept with two girls. He claims that they were bad experiences when he was younger, and he had blocked them out mentally for years. We waited many years before we decided to take our relationship to that level, and when we did, it was only because I was under the impression that we were going to get married and we would be each other’s first and only partner. He said he wanted the same. Then, he “came clean” because he said he remembered that it happened, he knew for sure I was the one, he wanted us to spend our lives together, and he couldn’t have any secrets between us when we moved forward. We weren’t together when he slept with them, and they were both before me… but I feel so betrayed. I still love him… but now I’m not only not his “first,” I’m third. And for the last 3 years, I thought we had this incredible bond. Obviously, I know that most people my age have had sex with many people, but I never wanted that. He is still my first and only, and now there is this added baggage and I can’t seem to forgive him. I honestly want to… I just don’t know how to. We no longer have a physical relationship because I don’t feel like I can do that anymore. He understands and is fine with waiting until we’re married now. He has even already asked my parents for their blessing to propose to me. I believe that he is sorry and regrets his decisions, but how I do I get past this? Are there any tricks to help me move past this so I can really forgive him and be completely happy with him again? Or is there a point where there is too much baggage and love is really not enough?

[April Masini]

He didn’t cheat on you. He lied to you.

The question you have to ask yourself is, Is this man someone who lies to me? Or was it just once? Is he someone I can count on?

The subject matter is obviously very sensitive to you, and he probably lied to you because he knew it would upset you. That doesn’t make him very brave, but it doesn’t make him a horrible person or someone who would be a bad husband, either. He made a mistake.

As you get older, you’ll understand that people acquire baggage along the way. It’s their lives. If you want someone who is very sheltered, you have to be careful to find that person. It’s difficult. Ask yourself if what’s really upsetting you is the fact that he lied to you or the fact that he had sex with two other people before he knew you. If it’s the latter, then you should absolutely forgive him because it’s the realistic thing to do.

I think that if you can see this man as someone who lied once to you, and is remorseful and wanting to make it up to you, and is someone who has good integrity, normally, you should forgive him. Forgiveness is difficult. Take your time.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: https://www.facebook.com/april.masini.9.

[cdvt]

Thank you so much for your response, April. I did decide to forgive him and it was definitely the right thing to do. He continues to prove what a great guy he is, and that was really the only thing making me unhappy. So I forgave him and now while it still stings occasionally, I let myself feel happy. We are happy. And I’m 99% sure we will be engaged soon 🙂 Thank you so much.

[April Masini]

I’m very glad things worked out for you and that I could help. 😀

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[cdvt]

I am engaged, and should be getting married this summer. I can’t believe I have to say it, but I’m having doubts. I love him, but we have been having the same argument lately that I can’t get over. My weight/size. I have been exercising and eating better… but shouldn’t he love me no matter what? He brings it up as a “health worry” but I’m not really unhealthy, just not thin. I’m honestly not even what I think most people would call fat. I wear size 3, 5, 7 depending on jeans style, and usually size Small tops, but I do have cup size D, so it depends on that as well. I’m also very short, so curves are more apparent. He has brought up a few times that I’m not the same size as when he proposed last summer… though I don’t know of much of a difference and I’m still wearing the same clothes I was then. Obviously, he is unhappy with how I look or we wouldn’t have this conversation. He wants me to work out harder and lose more weight to make him happy. Is this something that I should just try to do, or should this be a deal breaker? Yes, I complain about my body, too, just like a lot of women, I know. But, I really don’t start to hate myself until he brings it up. It won’t be much of a honeymoon if I’m too ashamed of myself to take my clothes off around him. I don’t really feel like I can talk to anyone about this, because it is humiliating to admit that the man I love feels this way. I also don’t think my family would continue to support us in the same way if they knew what he has said to me. I’m so hurt by it and ashamed, I just don’t know what to do. Should this be a deal breaker? Should I call off the wedding? Am I overreacting? Thank you for reading and helping!

[April Masini]

You’re definitely overreacting. 😉 If you’ve gained weight, and he wishes you were thinner — why don’t you try to lose the weight and make him happy? I’m not sure why you’re digging your heals in the sand when by losing the weight and getting in shape, you could be fitter, get back to the weight you were when you were first dating, [i]and most importantly[/i], making your fiance happy! Men are visual, and he’s obviously noticed that you’ve put on a few pounds. It’s very normal for men to want a wife who is sexy and fit.

Instead of making a big deal out of this, just work on losing the weight. He’ll be thrilled, you’ll feel sexier and healthier, and this doesn’t have to be an issue. 😀

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