Should I stay or should I go?

[Jerry]

I have been in what I have thought was a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for well over a year now. In the past there have been arguments where I have told him how I felt, I was always told I was wrong, once he even told me to get out, and then recanted and told me he never said it. My partner has tried to gain control over me, me buying a house, making me sell my car for one he liked, him taking control over my finances, getting me to leave my job, sell all of my stuff, etc. He has told me on numerous occasions that things wrong in our relationship are my fault. He enjoys crushing my ideas for goals and hopes for the future. I no longer have hopes and dreams anymore, I have his. I finally have gained the strength to tell him it was over, and he came back and wanted to talk, and professed his undying love for me, crying, etc tole me he couldn’t live without me, and told me he could fix himself, go to therapy, etc. One comment he made made me uncomfortable, I told him we could stay friends, and he said he didn’t want to know I was happy with someone else, and picture me making love to someone else. I told him I would give him some time, but my feelings haven’t changed. I love this guy, and I feel that I need to love me first. Am I wrong? But I don’t know if I want to take the time to wait and see if he can fix himself, or the deep seeded issues he has cannot be overcome and I am just once again being the nice guy who is being taken advantage of and being strung along. I am very confused and the strength I had on monday, is slowly wearing away. I believe if I stay, I will be miserable for the rest of my life, but I think I’m afraid that I’ll never have anyone else. I do love him, but I am afraid that I am not in love with him. Should I stay or go?

[April Masini]

I’m a little confused — how is he “making you” do all these things? 😯 You sound like you’re a child when you describe the dynamic between you and your boyfriend. Don’t you know how to say “no”? 😕 It sounds, frankly, like you’re blaming him for your inability to stand up for yourself. I don’t really hear abuse — I hear you unwilling to be responsible. 😳

If you don’t figure out how to use boundaries as a way to be responsible for yourself, it doesn’t matter who you’re with — you’re going to have relationship issues.

If your fear that you’ll never have anyone else is keeping you with someone, you need to understand that your real fear is of being alone. Face that fear and find yourself, your strength, and then — and only then — will you find Mr. Right. 😉

I know this is a lot for you, but I hope you’ll undertake the work. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

[Anonymous]

Wow, so you’re saying that my abusive relationship is my fault? Very sensitive of you. If I was getting my ass beaten, good to know you’d be telling me to take it in the body because I must deserve it. I just need to make boundaries, Im a child that doesn’t know how to say no? Here’s the first boundary, I’m definately not taking your advice, NO.

[Anonymous]

Dear Jerry,

I ve read April’s reply to you. And I can somehow understand your frustration with it. I was in an verbally and emotionally relationship before and when one of my male friends said I had my part of “guilt” in it I had the same reaction. Nevertheless , now when I think back I can clearly say he was right.
Let me make it very clear to you : it is not your fault that he behaves this way . He is what he is and he won’t change. But most of our problems in life come from what we do and also from what we don’t do. And success too: from what we do and from what we keep ourselves from doing or saying. So having the courage to say NO is part of the responsibility we have towards ourselves. Most of the times we fear other’s reaction when we stand for ourselves and guess what ? We end up having the life and situation that is not our making but the result to our fear of not upsetting others. It is very easy to fall into this trap especially when love is involved.
Now , looking back at all those years it is obvious that my fault was simply not standing up for myself and what made me happy in the short or long term.
The question we should always ask ourselves is What is in this relationship for me ? And How is this person in his/her relationship with me ? no matter how amazing the other person is as a person or it seems to be.
When we let things happen we are setting the tone of the relationship , most of the times without even realizing we are doing that.
Our frustration comes from feeling powerless, and most of the times it is very difficult to see it on the spot when other people are pointing our mistakes.
Please , understanding this will make you stronger and give you a much wider perspective on everything in your life.
Both roads, of shifting the blame or the road of excuses are dead end , they make you feel powerless and they lead us to a life of dependency and frustration. I would really want you to understand that I am not blaming you here. Just have a look at the bigger picture. From now on no days of not being alert. Assert yourself. Sometimes, most of the times we have to demand respect through our words and actions and stand up for ourselves. We have to take responsibility for that. It has a very empowering effect.
Life changes for the better when we focus on solutions, after we acknowledged the problem.
Take very good care of yourself: invest in your health and good looks in your carrier and solidify your finances and always demand respect from others.
I wish you a great life and an amazing love life.

[lax26]

Dear April,
I have had a crush on my brothers friend for a couple of years now. Hes always making jokes and goofing off. He always says I love you and stuff like that but just joking around along with all of the rest of my brothers friends. But he does most of it. Just the other day he was saying i love you and flirting and saying dont you owe me a kiss and winking, and saying will you marry me. I cant tell if hes just fooling around or he actually is flirting and is interested in me. Help me! I really like him and i dont know what to do and i cant just go up to my brother and say i like ur friend hes hot because he will tell him!
HELPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!
—lax26

[April Masini]

First of all, [b]lax26[/b], please post your question as a new thread so that the responses to your question aren’t confused with the responses to [b]Jerry[/b]. I’ll answer your question in the fresh post once you do that! 😀

As for Jerry:

Your response speaks volumes. You’ve channeled your anger at yourself and your situation onto [i]me[/i]. You’ve also twisted my question: “I’m a little confused — how is he “making you” do all these things?” into something it isn’t. 😕 In fact, [i]you didn’t answer the question.[/i] 😮 Instead, you came out with this doozy: [quote]If I was getting my ass beaten, good to know you’d be telling me to take it in the body because I must deserve it.[/quote]
😯 😯 😯 😯

Is your boyfriend beating you? Because you didn’t mention any beatings or physical abuse. Nobody deserves to be beaten, and if you’re being beaten, you should immediately go to the police.

Real abuse is very serious and should be treated as such. The problem is that a lot of women fling around the term and they use it bully and victimize men. You’ve tried to do that with me. 😮

You said he “made you” buy a house, sell a car, change your job — I don’t understand how, as an adult, he made you do that. I think your anger is because I touched a nerve. You don’t want to admit your part in this relationship dynamic. You say that you’re tired of being “the nice guy” who is “strung along”. 😯 I’m not sure what you did that is nice. Enabling someone may make you feel like you’re a nice guy, but it isn’t being a nice guy. It’s enabling bad behavior. 🙁

You’re certainly free to not take my advice — clearly, that’s a given. But if you’re going to reject advice as quickly as you did mine, you’re probably going to stay stuck. 😳 This site is not a pity party. It’s a place for people to ask questions and get my advice, and the advice of others, and weigh what works for them. It’s a place for people who want to do the work in relationships to share their journeys. When you ended your post with the admission that you might take this guy who you claim is abusive, back, because you’re afraid “you’ll never have anyone else” — you scratched the surface of the problem.

I hope you’ll not give up on the journey to find Mr. Right, and that you’ll decide that you are worth the work required to be in a healthy relationship, and that you’ll get to the bottom of this problem, rather than dismissively twisting good advice into something it’s not, and then tossing it away without considering that it might be right. 😉

[kitkat620]

wow. if only you could be as tough with your boyfriend as you were in your reply to april’s post to your problem. her points are valid. as an adult no person can ‘make you’ do anything you don’t want to do. if there are physical threats behind his telling you what you need to do and how he feels you should live your life or spend your money, april is right, you have got to go to the police or at the very least, remove yourself from that situation by staying at a friends or family members house for the time being.
if you are as financially secure as you sound, you must leave. or kick him out of YOUR house. if he doesn’t leave, make it legal. get a restraining order against him.
if after only a year of dating, he is showing himself as the type of deprecating, cruel man that you’ve portrayed here, more time with him will only be more hurtful for you. you deserve better. and you will find someone that will give you the love you deserve if you give yourself the chance.

[April Masini]

[b]kitkat620[/b] offered some good advice. I hope that [b]Jerry [/b] will let us know how things turn out and what she decided to do. 😀

[Anonymous]

People who have never been in an emotionally abusive relationship just don’t get it. It does sound weird to say “he makes me do something.” but I have been there and know exactly what you are saying. An emotionally abusive relationship can be just as damaging as a physically abusive one. It’s just with emotional abuse there isn’t all the support to go to the police. Just get some support. Go to a support group for women in abuse. It really helps. I don’t think I would have been able to leave my emotionally abusive husband without that support.
Good Luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Emotionally abusive relationships can be some of the most difficult. I agree with the person that said that someone who has never been in one wouldn’t understand. Not saying I know anything about April’s life but she has made some valid points as well.
Unless he is physically harming you or threatening to he can’t MAKE you do anything but I do understand. He can be verbally abusive if you don’t, possibly withholding love or affection to manipulate you into getting what he wants which may not show the same scars on a persons body but can be extremely devestating. It can make you feel unloved and shoot your confidence but it happens so gradually over a period of time you don’t notice it until it is too late or you are too scared to leave because he has made you feel n o one else will want you. Or maybe you feel that on your own because your self esteem has suffered.
April was also right in saying you NEED to assert yourself. Stand up to him no matter how difficult because you are the most important person in your life. Think of yourself as the star of your movie. Why are you letting hI’m star in your movie?
I feel it would be in your best interest, if you want to get with him again to stand up and let him know you want to see the changes BEFORE you two get back together. Therapy should be started before you get back together and you would like to see behavior changes as well. You deserve it. As much as you might never want to hear this though and I have been through it so I know it’s hard to hear. You have a part in this as well. Someone cannot step on you if you don’t allow it. It may be an idea for you to go to therapy as well to help rebuild your confidence and learn to stand up for yourself for the sake of either this relationship or any other romantic venture you have. I believe men want real women not doormats when it comes to serious relationships and you should learn men cannot control you unless you let them. If you want to say no say no and if he leaves you because you have the wrong car or bank account brush your shoulders off because he never loved you. You need to love you first and others will respect you. Not just in live but in life.

[April Masini]

It’s great to get such thoughtful posts. Please consider that the original poster, [b]Jerry[/b], claimed she had been abused and was made to do things like change jobs, buy a house, etc., and in her very next post to me showed the character of someone who was anything but a victim! She had no problem whatsoever telling me what I should and shouldn’t do, etc. I’m not sure that she is actually a victim of this man, as much as someone who wants to manipulate situations to make a man look like he’s abusing her.

I don’t know her, and I’m just going from her posts, but there isn’t enough here to make me think she’s as much as a victim as she wants us to think she is.

[Author]

Posts