Should I take a chance?

[FintanD]

Okay this is the first time I’ve ever asked advice online but I’m pretty confused at the moment and the next hand I play is pretty important so I guess thats why I’m trying to get some advice on it. It relates to the one thing that confuses every mind, love and relationships.So here goes the backdrop.

Earlier this year, like February sometime me and the girl I was seeing for about 1.5 years at this stage broke up. It was a tumultous relationship, nearly sent me crazy, she broke up with me constantly throughout the relationship and would then get back with me and do it all over again. My friends tried to stop me but I was pretty darn obsessed with this girl and I knew she had issues she was trying to resolve, I guess its that classic vibe of ‘in time she’ll see that she can’t keep dumping me as soon as I get anything wrong’.

After we broke up I started hanging around with this other girl, we got on like a house on fire and within a few weeks we started dating, it was heaven compared the the previous relationship. However I shouldve heeded to the fact that when we had met she said she wanted to be relationship free for a while and I shouldve kinda tried to slow things down once we got involved, so we went out for a month or so and she freaked at the intensity of the feeling she was feeling and we broke up, got together a week later but same thing happened within a few days.

So we stayed friends and we grew to become really good supports to each other. However through my own idicoy around May I started seeing my ex again. The dumphappy one. We had the same tumultous relationship, really all over the place stuff and she got more and more insulting and horrible towards me. Hating my friends, my job, my being and also very much hating the fact that I still knew the girl I had dated for a few weeks. I knew it was important to her that I stop being friends with this girl but it reaked of hypocrisy because she wanted to stay friends with a couple of guys she had been seeing in the intermittent time. I guess it all came to a head in September when i decided okay fuckit if she thinks this will solve everything and sadly had to tell my friend that I needed to take time away from our friendship to work on trying again with my ex. She is a very understanding person and got why I was trying to do what I was trying to do. However even though I stopped talking to this girl my ex was still talking to the guys she had seen, and one day when she was trying to show me that they hadn’t been in contact or that their contact hadn’t been anyway flirty she showed me her phone messages, she mustve forgotten their content because as soon as I saw x’s and sweet messages I freaked and we broke up finally on that date. I have only spoken to her once since and not in relation to me and her. I do not want this girl back in my life whatsoever, my self esteem is getting back to normal (whatever that is!) levels and I no longer carry a tension in my body like I did when I was epxecting to be dumped every week.

So I reignited my friendship with the other girl. We got/get on so well it was serious fun. Around November some time she told me she wanted more and wanted to be with me, but within a few days kinda freaked again as she is moving away late 2012 and was worried about falling too deeply in love. It was hard to hear as I was/am truly mad about this girl but I tried to play it cool because all my life I’ve been doing the opposite and its not worked the best that way. Anyway since this time me and her have been meeting up and hanging out as friends, other times we have met up late at night for sex. We seem to think about each other a hell of a lot and text all the time. Even the past three weekends we have been in contact with each other each night, hanging out or meeting up late at night to make out. I kept trying to play it cool because I dont want to scare her, but I guess I shouldve realised that trying to hide the heart from the head may not work and I find myself feeling pretty insane about her. Neither of us has been seeing anyone else since this all happened early November and I’m unsure of how I would react if I was to be asked out on a date by someone else, well I do know how I’d react, I’d decline because to be honest what I have with her now, as imperfect and confusing as it is, is actualy something I care about and desire.

So this is where I am, mad about this girl but worried about telling her this. I’ve been playing it cool for weeks now and its getting harder on my heart. I really don’t know what to do next. I care about her and really don’t want to lose her friendship but in the moments when we are together there is such a closeness its indescribale and she has admitted she feels it too. So what do I do, I’ve had several thoughts in my head, and the main one I was thinking to try and test the water is the following. As I mentioned neither of us has been seeing anyone else, so any jealousy or need to act quickly has kinda been removed by both sides and I’m wondering if introducing this topic might prove as a catalyst to finally see if she truly wants the next level or not.

What I have been thinking is of saying to her that I’m really confused, that I have been asked out by someone else (this is only a small white lie because I have had a person seemingly move towards this, but they are yet to ask me out) and that I wanted to turn them down as even what me and her have in all its confusion now means more to me. I don’t mean to sound immature or whatever but I just wonder if telling her that someone else might be interested could be my best bet to see how she truly feels. Shes coming into her final year of college, doing a thesis and all that jazz so I don’t think an outpouring of emotion or me declaring my undying love for her would be a. A) decent thing to do or B) That it would work in anyway, but perhaps I’m wrong. I’m just wondering if she has been kinda taking what we have together casually even though it means a lot and whether bringing up the issue of ‘what will we be if someone else comes into our lives’ could kinda bring the topic around in a far less explosive way. As I said I can handle the rejection, I just don’t want to hurt her or lose her friendship. I genuinely think the world of her. Someone gimme some advice here.

[kai]

I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

[b]This is not in the forum where April answers readers questions. [/b]

If you want to get a response from April, please repost your question in the proper forum, the Q & A Advice Forum:
http://www.askapril.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=1

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Author]

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