[golightly]

Hi , so about 10 yrs ago I met and fell in love we dated for over 3 yrs but we were young and decided to part ways and if in the future we were ment to be we would find eachother , we always kept intouch as friends we became bestfriends he always had my back and I had his , eventually I knew I had to let him go and move on because it was hard 2 yrs later I met someone else we had 2 boys together , thru that relationship me and my first love did check in once in awhile every couple weeks to a couple months . when I was pregnant with my second he showed up and said ” I cant take it , ive loved you all along I should of never let you go , I should be the one that marrys you and I should be the father that’s suppose to be me !” . The father of my children and I never got along and we were never healthy and as much as I wanted to run off in the sunset with my first love I said my family needs me here , he said he understood and only wants me to be happy , a few months later I find out the father of my children was cheating on me and took all my money , after a few months my first love showed up again and we started things slow we started go on dates and talking and getting to know eachother again he said he wants to ask me to move in and is thinking about how hes gonna be a step dad etc , then one day he just disappears , after 2 weeks of not hearing from him I called him and he said he cant be with a single mom of two and he doesn’t care anymore after apologized and said he is just too scared he will screw things up . 6 months later its Christmas eve and I messaged him merry xmas all the best , we have talked every day since , sometimes 3 times a day sometimes 40 . its not anything flirty or anything really he just asks me about my day , what am I doing , he states how happy he is that im doing good etc ive either been in a marriage that ended in cheating on his part or talking to a guy I knew 10 yrs ago lol I don’t know what this means or how he feels ? or how I should proceed? lol I feel im starting a new I don’t know what dating is anymore lol

[April Masini]

It’s hard to understand why you would get back in touch with a guy who disappeared on you, and then said he can’t be with a single mother — after knowing you for a decade…. 😕 Clearly, he’d fantasized what it would like to be with you after all this time. The reality was a little too real for him. 😉 I was surprised when you said you contacted him on Christmas, after he disappeared like that. It sounds like you want to date, and he’s seemingly an easy possibility because of the fantasies you both hold out for each other. Time to focus on reality. Now that you’ve reestablished contact, it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in romance again. Rather than feel rejected, be happy for the clarity. It’s truly time for you to move on! You should find a guy who is better suited to be a step-father and to date a single mother — they’re out there in droves, but you have to find them! Don’t settle for someone who’s not right for you. Stay focused on your Mr. Right. He’s out there. 😀

[golightly]

Where to begin … I have been separated for about a yr now I am a mother of 2 , I have known there father since we were 3 years old , we went to preschool together elementary , and high school , thru the yrs we were never really friends we were just always aware of eachother , it wasn’t till about 5 yrs after highschool where we started to date , we fell hard and fast ! he was the first person to ever just ground he was my rock my support system , I was abused sexually and physically growing up so for anyone to just make me feel as secure as him was a big deal . with in 6 months we were pregnant to our surprise we moved in and were astronomically happy and in love with our life ! things happened very fast , we fell hard got pregnant and moved out all with in 9 months, sure there were issues , we had to get to know eachother on a different level FAST but we prevailed and fell more in love a few yrs later we bought a home our first home , and within the same week we planned on trying for our second baby , we were moving in to our home town a small village town with all his best friends around , he has always been a very social person but I figured I could put my foot down and everything would be fine , when we moved he all of a sudden had best friend day , baseball , hockey , curling , before and after parties he worked from 8am – 8pm mon- Saturday and on sundays he was so hungover no one would want to be around him , I saw him less and less . I would bring it up and he would stay home but all his friends would call text or show upcall him whipped etc … eventually he would pout and I would give in and be like go out , but mean while I had a colic new born and a 4 yr old . I cooked cleaned baked packed his lunches, took care of the kids while he got to let loose have a break , without knowing my resentment grew and grew , it was Christmas morning and I was so excited it was my sons first xmas and the first in our home , I woke up with anxiety and I decded to go on facebook , there was a message and it was naked photos and videos and texts , he had gone on a porn site one night I was asleep and and she sent me everything ! I was sick to my stomach I was shaking, I woke him up and he started crying and said it was just a porn site it was just some random site it ment nothing , we had Christmas morning for my kids with a smile but I needed him to give me space so I could wrap my head around it . after 2 weeks he came back and I said I will work on us but he needs to step up and be around ! for a few weeks he did but he started getting pressured to go out again ( I feel like he still thinks hes in highschool) my youngest got really sick and I was up for 48 hrs 15 hrs a day of crying and my partner was out everyday , I woke him up at 5 am because I was at my wits end and needed help and asked where he put the thermometer he lost it at me for waking him up and started scolding be wagging his finger at me like I was a child , THAT WAS MY BREAKING POINT ! after months of holding my shit together I lost it I told him I was done and I was over this I deserved so much more and I needed him out ! he left and it shattered my heart but I pretended like it was fine , i started to drink , at night when the kids slept i had my wine to relax and eventually it got out of hand , i quit cold turkey and sought out counselling i was a mess i couldn’t eat i lost 30 lbs and had panic attacks many times a day , i kept telling myself this is all a learning lesson and its what we do with it that depicts our future i was determined to claw my way out and be the best version of myself ! i am now working full time as a preschool teacher , me and my kids are best friends and i live alone , me and my ex have put our kids first despite our frustrations with eachother , but the past couple months we have gotten closer and closer , he shows up at 6 am to help me with the kids before work and school , and drops us off and picks us up he gives me a key to his house so if the weathers bad we can just go over to his house and he will drive us home , we have had lunch , and 2 dinners , we have had marathone tv show days , he came over for pizza and movies on sunday , he takes me to my landlords to pay rent , he brings me coffees and doughnuts whenever he wants and does my laundry and hits on me we text up to 100 times a day , when he picks the kids up he lets himself in and we sit and talk for about a hr , its been very nice its kind of like we are connecting on a level i think we missed out on because we got pregnant so fast , he asks me about my day we sit down as a family . the frustration part which drives me nuts is , ill ask him what his intentions are because one second he acts like he likes me then the next second he is trying his hardest to be strong and tough and to not even smile at me he gets flustered and says he doesn’t want anything he is scared and he likes it the way things are and he reminds me every time that i left him he never left me. there are so many ways he shows me he cares and i cant tell if i am just being a uber girl and super emotional and if this is my way of over thinking things so i can ruin it and its secretly my defence mechanism. i don’t want to rush in to a relationship i like getting to know him again , i am just terrified and don’t want to be stupid , i want him back i want my life back i want my family back , i feel i have grown stronger and wiser but my wounds are still open and i don’t know if i should just give up or stop over thinking and see hes trying and he wouldn’t do theses things every day if he wasn’t and enjoy the ride ????

[April Masini]

It sounds like things are going really well. It’s only been about 3 months since you kicked him out, and living separately you’ve gotten so much of your life together. Take a moment and enjoy that success. It’s not a surprise that he’s come back to you and is co-parenting and enjoying your company, while the two of you are living separately. Don’t jump the gun like you have in the past. Let this period of getting to know each other and co-parenting that you’re both doing so well, play out. Give it a year like this. If you’re still in these good places in a year from now, then consider moving forward. The thing you have to work against is impulsive moves. You have the tools to have a productive and happy life, but an old inclination to jump the gun. Overcome that! 😉 You’re doing great. 🙂

[golightly]

Thank you so much for the advice from the previous message . You said don’t jump the gun and I haven’t and it’s actually been great . We have hangout once a week talk every day are intimate together at least once a week , he’s paid for my car to get repairs as a surprise , for my birthday he ordered delivery so when I got home after work I don’t have to cook etc but at the same time there are certain things that scare me ,for example he said I could come hangout after work I did , he told me he planned a full day on mother’s day and our youngest son’s birthday 2 hrs away with HIS family not me after weeks of me asking if we could have a conjoined one that he agreed upon . He then burst out ” you left me you moved out !” I said I was unappreciated and he had broken my trust and was given 2 weeks to to be ok with him talking to another girl , I was pressured and mad I felt I needed out of the negative environment and focus on being happy with my boys . He said he would cancel his day with the boys so I could have them on mother’s day and his birthday and asked if he could be part of the party and just come for a visit , he said he cares and that’s why I was invited over , but in the same breath he tells me he never wants to see my family again and we have come so far but he is soo angry that I left, I’m scared that will block us from getting better . I want to ask him for family counselling , even if it was just on a co parenting level and for him to release his anger because he has said ” you left me” a lot!! I just don’t know how to ask him .?I’m really trying to sit here and appreciate how far we have come how much better we have come how much more we appreciate the time together and see he cares and it’ll take time , but when he uses the words like ” never” it scares me . I don’t know how to over come or help his anger without help for a counselor.

[April Masini]

[quote]….He said he would cancel his day with the boys so I could have them on mother’s day and his birthday and asked if he could be part of the party and just come for a visit , he said he cares and that’s why I was invited over , but in the same breath he tells me he never wants to see my family again and we have come so far but he is soo angry that I left,I’m scared that will block us from getting better . I want to ask him for family counselling , even if it was just on a co parenting level and for him to release his anger because he has said ” you left me” a lot!! I just don’t know how to ask him .?I’m really trying to sit here and appreciate how far we have come how much better we have come how much more we appreciate the time together and see he cares and it’ll take time , but when he uses the words like ” never” it scares me . I don’t know how to over come or help his anger without help for a counselor.[/quote]

You’re right. His anger will block the relationship from being intimate. But it’s his job to deal with his anger — and it’s not your problem to fix. Right now, the most important thing you can do is facilitate co-parenting for the boys. If their father doesn’t want to see your family, that’s a shame, but it’s not as important as his having a good relationship with the kids. Try to focus on that, instead of fixing the relationship you have with him or the one he has with your family. 😉

[golightly]

We were amazing we didn’t need to talk everyday , we spent time together led our lives then all of a sudden he got distant and angry after about 3 weeks of asking him why he finally said ” we were doing so well it scared me I don’t want to give you false hopes I don’t want a relationship I am scared i” I said ok I never wanted to jump back I wanted to work on ourselves but to atleast know we still cared and didn’t text or call him …the next day was our sons t ball game we both go , I am there teacher so he picks them up from me he showed up with a card that says thank you mommy for being such a great mom , I go to the game he comes over says im sorry let me make it up to you, we enjoy the game like every game standing together, he said ill drive you to your car after the game , he drives past my car and says we are going to the fry truck and dessert truck , we ended up having dinner and dessert together I offered to pay for myself he said no I got you . I don’t know many exs but im sure we are not normal lol part of me wants to be mad and never talk to him again but the other part of me says he is all I eveer wanted and its CLEAR he still wants to be with me , I talk to him every day atleast 30 to 300 times a day we have sex atleast once a week we hangout everyweek he says he doesn’t want anything with me but he is with me almost every day he calls text buys me mothersday gifts birthday dinner , coffee , doughnuts , my question is what do I do ?he is mad I left but he cheated , how does he get over that anger an how do I treat this situation ?

[April Masini]

[quote]my question is what do I do ?[/quote]

I answered this question for you in March…. [i]It’s not a surprise that he’s come back to you and is co-parenting and enjoying your company, while the two of you are living separately. Don’t jump the gun like you have in the past. Let this period of getting to know each other and co-parenting that you’re both doing so well, play out. Give it a year like this. If you’re still in these good places in a year from now, then consider moving forward. The thing you have to work against is impulsive moves. You have the tools to have a productive and happy life, but an old inclination to jump the gun. Overcome that! 😉 You’re doing great. 🙂[/i]

[quote]he is mad I left but he cheated , how does he get over that anger an how do I treat this situation ?[/quote]

He has to process his own feelings and decide whether or not he really wants to move forward with you. You should give him space to do so. 😉

[golightly]

Hi again , it’s just sometimes it’s easier to wrap my head around things when I hear from others . I’ve let things go I’ve lived my life , I have recently moved in to a fantastic home for me and the boys ,works great things were going amazing with there father and I. We took our sons to baseball practise and baseball games together he even started to make me dinner after , he started inviting me over for movies , but then he went on a week away with his boss and co workers , he invited me over the night before so we could hangout but then a week later he’s distant , I was trying to let it go and just see what happens and to not over think it , he came from his trip with gifts for me and the boys and invited me to tag along if I wanted to his house so he can see the boys , but ” it didn’t matter up to me ” Texts are becoming less and less but then Monday he stopped by twice to “use my sink ” and because he had no where to go ( construction on his house) we hangout for a few hrs it was very nice it felt like it was our house , he had a shower we cuddled did the dishes , when he left I said to my self ” he’s going to get distant because it felt real ” yesterday he called to tell mewhen he will get the boys he said I love you …oh s hit not you I mean the boys I love the boys … immediately I thought he’s gonna be even more distant , he hasn’t text me since , he dropped the boys off today and asked me why I looked so pretty but barely made eye contact and kinda was weird . It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

[April Masini]

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. I think you should focus on your life without him, as it appears he’s pulling away.

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