Small town dynamics with cheating

[Shaina77]

My husband and I hit a rough spot about 2 years ago and he chose to pursue another option while still being with me. Three weeks ago, I finally heard the truth. We have since started counseling and working through things. I’m not sure what the future holds and if our marriage will last, but we are trying.

We live in a rural area where everyone knows everyone and I’m from the city. I get along well with everyone but the dynamics of a small town are different. Before I knew what was going on, she was coming to all of the family events, holidays and going out drinking with his family and friends. She is aware that I know the truth now, yet is still coming to everything and being invited through my husband’s brother. I told him that I respect that he wants to continue to be friends with her but he should be remaining neutral and it’s inappropriate for her to be there. His brother and I have always had a great relationship before now.

My husband also talked to his brother but this still continues to be an issue. It’s also alarming she would want to be there. She is innocent and sweet in front of everyone but is nasty to me when no one else is looking and no one believes she would ever be that way. (ie – flicking me off, smiling and winking at me) What is a healthy way someone is supposed to handle these situations? My concern about saying something to her directly again is that small towns have a way of twisting what you say or do. And how am I supposed to heal if this is constantly an issue?

[April Masini]

I can’t tell from your post if he is still with his mistress or if it’s over, but the real issue here is between you and your husband — not her.

I’m not sure what the rough patch in your 10 marriage was about, or if it’s worked through or not, but the two of you have to decide if you’re going to stay together or not and how. That he’s having his mistress (current or ex) at these family events is not a sign that he values your marriage. In fact, it’s a red flag to you that he’s going to keep his mistress in his life and that your feelings about that relationship are less important than his having there.

The big question is whether you’re okay with this or not. If you are, then try to focus on things with the two of you. Understand that his brother is not supportive of your marriage. If you are not okay with this, then you have an option to leave the marriage. He would have to be pretty dense to know that this is insulting and disrespectful to you, so I think the ball is really in your court. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it’s time for some tough decisions.

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