Some advice-older woman

[chill1]

Hello,

I need some advice about my situation. There is this older woman I am good friends with. We ended up having sex awhile back. She told me that she really likes me but the situation is complicated. What she meant was her and her ex-boyfriend were trying to get back together. Guess what? They did get back together. She told me he is planning on moving out here real soon. She said they are planning to live with each other. But what I don’t understand is as soon as she was on her way back from her vacation she gave me a call several times to let me know that she was on her way. Soon as she got back into town she gave me a call and wanted to see me as soon as I got off from work. While I was there her boyfriend called and she wanted me to be silent when she was on the phone. While she was on the phone she was trying to rush him off the so she can spend time with me. I ended up staying there for about two hours. She also cooked for me that night. Then the next few days she wanted to spend time with me and we did do that. While this is going on she is flirting with me and at the same time she tells me she is trying to avoid having sex no matter how much she enjoyed it. Now my thing is I don’t mind being just her friend with benefits. But at the same time I do like this woman. Another thing is if I don’t respond to her texts or answer the phone when she calls. She gets upset. Talking about confusing mess. Her boyfriend is in town this week and I’m not going to even contact her at all. So what should I do? I know some people will say move on but it’s hard to move on when we are real good friends. Also I like this woman and we have a connection. I was even thinking about not contacting her after the boyfriend leaves. Is that a good idea? I feel like I’m doing the chasing at times and she’s enjoying it. I do notice when I don’t respond to her calls/texts she gets upset. When we do talk again should I stay positive when she starts talking about her boyfriend? He wants to marry her but she said that she is ready for that at all. I know one of her main reasons is me and she is felling like shes being rushed. So how can I get her to focus on me more?

Thanks

[jenlee]

if u dont mind me saying. i think you should tell her that you would like to just stay friends and only friends. she is giving you the run around and that is not fair to you or her boyfriend. what are you going to do if she does get married to him? your going to be pretty hurt that you waisted all your time on her, when you could of been looking some where else. if she really cared about you, she would get rid of him and find a way to be with you. i hate to say it, but it sounds like she is just using you. i know it is going to be hard. but maybe the two of you should take a brake as friends, so that your feelings for wanting to be with her will fade. good luck

[April Masini]

There’s nothing to be confused about, and this has nothing to do with this woman being older. She has a boyfriend who is her number one guy. She doesn’t want him to know about you, but she doesn’t want to give you up. She will continue to see you on the side as long as you’re game.

I know you want her friendship, but she isn’t offering you real friendship. She’s offering you a relationship on the side, and that’s it. A real friendship would involve her telling her boyfriend about you and inviting you to do things with the two of them, as well as others in a group.

So, you have to decide if you want to be the guy on the side or to move on and find someone who wants you all to herself all the time, and vice verse.

[Anonymous]

I have two last things that I want to get your opinion on. The first one is the continuation of the main topic and second is based on another issue.
1.Well I do recall last week she told me prior to us having our first sexual encounter her and her boyfriend were trying to work things out. Then she hit me with the bombshell that they got back together. As I stated before she wanted to spend time with me the whole weekend. I tried to make an attempt to have sex but she stopped me even though she really wanted to. She said she didn’t want to feel guilty. Her boyfriend is here now visiting and of course she hasn’t hit me up nor have I hit her up. I know once he leaves she will call me but I probably will not respond. So what do you think?

2.One thing I do believe I made a mistake was when I tried to contact her after her response in a text. It basically went like this: I told her I was coming by a few nights ago. She then hit me up a couple times wondering when I was coming.Then at the last minute I told her that I couldn’t make it. She had taken what I said the wrong way and seemed like she was upset and replied back saying bye. I figured she was trying to cut ties with me so I hit her back a several times to let her know she took what I said the wrong way. She didn’t respond because she fell asleep but the following day she replied back asking me why I sent the messages I sent. Even though the messages was explaining to her that she took things the wrong way and wishing her luck on something that was important to her. She initially didn’t want to talk but ended up calling me anyway. Do you think I was in the wrong? If so, do you suggests that I fall waaay back now? Thanks

[chill1]

[quote=”April Masini”]There’s nothing to be confused about, and this has nothing to do with this woman being older. She has a boyfriend who is her number one guy. She doesn’t want him to know about you, but she doesn’t want to give you up. She will continue to see you on the side as long as you’re game.

I know you want her friendship, but she isn’t offering you real friendship. She’s offering you a relationship on the side, and that’s it. A real friendship would involve her telling her boyfriend about you and inviting you to do things with the two of them, as well as others in a group.

So, you have to decide if you want to be the guy on the side or to move on and find someone who wants you all to herself all the time, and vice verse.[/quote]

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Re: Some advice-older woman

The previous post was me and I forgot to log on.
I have two last things that I want to get your opinion on. The first one is the continuation of the main topic and second is based on another issue.
1.Well I do recall last week she told me prior to us having our first sexual encounter her and her boyfriend were trying to work things out. Then she hit me with the bombshell that they got back together. As I stated before she wanted to spend time with me the whole weekend. I tried to make an attempt to have sex but she stopped me even though she really wanted to. She said she didn’t want to feel guilty. Her boyfriend is here now visiting and of course she hasn’t hit me up nor have I hit her up. I know once he leaves she will call me but I probably will not respond. So what do you think?

2.One thing I do believe I made a mistake was when I tried to contact her after her response in a text. It basically went like this: I told her I was coming by a few nights ago. She then hit me up a couple times wondering when I was coming.Then at the last minute I told her that I couldn’t make it. She had taken what I said the wrong way and seemed like she was upset and replied back saying bye. I figured she was trying to cut ties with me so I hit her back a several times to let her know she took what I said the wrong way. She didn’t respond because she fell asleep but the following day she replied back asking me why I sent the messages I sent. Even though the messages was explaining to her that she took things the wrong way and wishing her luck on something that was important to her. She initially didn’t want to talk but ended up calling me anyway. Do you think I was in the wrong? If so, do you suggests that I fall waaay back now? Thanks

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[April Masini]

Look — this is all about you deciding what you want from this woman, while being realistic about what you can get. She has a boyfriend and she wants that boyfriend to come first. If you want to be the back up guy — as a friend or sometime lover, then that’s the path you’re on. If you want to find a woman who wants you to be her number one guy, then it’s time to move on and do so.

The choice is yours. She’s made herself clear, and if you want similar clarity, then you have to decide which of the above two options you want in your life.

I hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate your advice. I am most likely going to go the friends with benefits route. It’s not like I don’t have other options. It’s crazy she hasn’t told her boyfriend anything about me. Soon as he left this morning I received multiple emails from her asking me why am I not answering my phone. Then she hit me up on a social website trying to talk on there. Of course I did not respond. So do you have any other suggestions or advice about this situation since I’m taking the fwb route?

[April Masini]

Look, you’ve now consciously chosen to be the guy on the side — not Mr. Right. And she is not your Ms. Right. You will never be her number one man because you’ve allowed yourself to be second best to her more important boyfriend, so stop complaining and wondering about why she does or doesn’t tell her best boyfriend about you. I would never advise anyone to do what you’re doing, but since you’ve chosen to be a friend with benefits instead of Mr. Right, knowing full well that she’s got a boyfriend she cares more about than you, quit complaining and asking questions about her and her boyfriend. You’ve taken the back seat, unfortunately, and it’s understandable you’re not comfortable there, but if you don’t have the self esteem to be someone’s Mr. Right, then accept your lot. 😳 When you decide you want to be Mr. Right to a Ms. Right, you’ll get out of this unhealthy dynamic you’re in and move on.

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