Stay or cut my losses? Can a troubled past ever work out?

[srhe1205]

Hi, I’ve never done one of these online advice things but I’m really at a loss and need some guidance.

So I’ve been in an on-again-off-again relationship for 6 years. We met at college and are both from different states. We were young, stupid, hormone driven and got into a lot of retarded bs.

There was A LOT of cheating on his part. I would leave & then somehow end up back in the relationship with the promises of change and devotion. Something would come up…and rather than keep rational about it I would get angry (at him and at myself for being foolish again). We’d end up in a fight…which tended to get really physical when alcohol was involved…which it was a small town college in WI…beer is their water 😉

I know I’m an idiot. I feel foolish even typing it because I swear I do have logistic reasoning…just not when it comes to this guy…straight emotion.

Anyway. I moved back to PA a year and a half ago…we havent even been in the same state for close to two years…yet we kept in contact.

He seems to have truly changed now… As in he wants a real relationship: honesty, marriage, kids, the whole 9. And I’m torn about my feelings on it. I believed for so long that was all I wanted but now he’s almost begging for it and I don’t know what to do. He’s come here to try and smooth things out with my family…which they ALL HATE him because of the past. He’s steadily professed his love and how he’s changed and wants a life with me even after I left him. (I completely shut him out for 3 months and told him I was in another relationship). He wants to do the whole public openness and putting up pictures and all the relationship “stuff”.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m torn between not wanting to lose him and feeling like I’d be prolonging the inevitable if I stay. I’m not a dater and don’t get close to many people…I don’t know if I’m too picky or what…I just don’t feel the pull. He and I do get along really well when things are good. I just hate remembering the bad.

I obviously have a problem staying gone from him. He’s just so damn persistent…like call 20 times a day persistent. I’d end up answering, we talk, and then we’r back in a relationship before I even know it. But now he says if we don’t work it out now he’s going not going to try anymore… Which I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing…

Anyway. Part of me feels like I should try it and the other part of me feels like I’m an idiot. Like maybe we’re only doing good now because it IS long distance. He wants me to move and because of our history I’m scared to be without a safety net…. Then I feel like my clock is ticking and maybe there really isn’t anyone out there who’s going to be as compatible with me and I should just take the chance and see what happens…

Aaahhh!! I just need someone else to decide for me!!!

I don’t know… Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have they tried with someone who really did change and have it work out? CAN people really change? Or has the past done too much damage for it to ever work? I guess I just need a little unbiased advice…

[katdawg]

hmmmmmm…my suggestion would be that he move to the city you live in and the two of you date for two years so that you can you “see” for yourself that his actions are backing up his words (that he’s changed) because the distance isn’t allowing you to experience the actions. don’t dare move to accommodate him; he should move to court you!! but really? six years? dang! i can’t say i would wait for someone that long to commit to me. given his history i wouldn’t be so quick to trust that he HAS changed. he would have to prove it!!

[katdawg]

“….he says if we don’t work it out now he’s going not going to try anymore.”

this has me wondering – in relationships sometimes things get challenging and tough. is he going to give up then? and resort back to his “real” self? after re-reading your post i got the impression he is desperate or he has been rejected by one too many and he’s falling back on ol’ faithful.

[April Masini]

The problem isn’t him — it’s you. You’re weak, and you have to find some strength so that you can make a decision based on what’s right for you, not what’s easiest for you. This guy wears you down and you weaken and cave. This is going to lead to misery for you.

Here are the reasons I advise you to stop seeing him, talking to him, texting him, e-mailing him and having any more communication with him at all:

1. You’ve been violent with him and he with you.

2. You have alcohol issues and so does he. Together you escalate these with each other.

3. He’s cheated on you extensively.

4. Your family hates him because they want the best for you and you can’t see the best (or the worst).

5. You’ve wasted 6 years of your life on him already.

If that’s not enough for you to see that he’s Mr. Wrong, then I can’t help you. Your pattern is to get sucked into a bad relationship. You are responsible for ending that self-destructive behavior. Do it today.

Spend more time with your family and learn to befriend healthy, positive, productive people so that you understand the difference between good guys and bad guys and listen to your support group of family and friends. They have no reason to steer you wrong.

I hope this helps because you deserve a great relationship. You’ll never get it with this guy.

[Author]

Posts