still a chance…?

[skylarr]

this is such a long, messy story. but last summer, i ended up dating this guy after he hardcore pursued me for weeks. he asked me out during my senior week (which he kind of crashed) and we went out all summer, although I planned on keeping it casual because I wasn’t over my ex and I was leaving for college in the fall and wanted to be single then. however, we ended up getting really close and he was my first for a lot of things…first boy i said “i love you” to, first boy that said “i love you” to me…you get the idea. and I made it clear I still planned on breaking up at the end of the summer, but it was getting harder and harder to force myself into. however, i still felt that was the right move to make and we agreed to break up the day i left for school. he kept texting me all the time and even visited and tried to skype with me all the time, basically being an awesome, caring boyfriend even though we’d broken up. i was missing him all the time and was freaked by how much i liked him after such a short time, so i told him we needed to cut off communication for a month, so it would get easier to be without him. during that time, we never texted or talked, but he sent me the sweetest, most thoughtful package and said he was ready whenever i wanted to talk and that he loved me. needless to say, once the month passed, everything went back to normal. btw he goes to school at home and im at school 6 hours away. he visited me several times, even picked me up from school once so i could go home for the weekend. once the school year ended and i was back home, he invited me and my friends to a party. that night i got really drunk and was mad at him for some reason, and ended up making out with some kid and he saw. my memory gets pretty spotty after that, but i remember him saying what i did was wrong because we were basically still going out and i was apparently yelling at him saying he had no right to be upset since we weren’t together. from that point though, i realized we really were basically in a relationship and acted more gf/bf with him. but all summer, he got busier and made less of an effort to spend time and be with me. he often fell asleep for the short time we could hang out and wasn’t all over me like he used to be. plus, i was cranky because i had nothing to do with my time during the summer and i was dealing with a lot of family drama. as a result, me and this guy got in a lot of fights. i wanted him to ask me out again because i loved him so much and wasn’t interested in anybody else. even when i was mad at him, i just felt whole when he was around. but, the summer ended and i went back to school. he hardly texted me at all and i thought something was up. so i skyped with him and tried to broach the topic of our ill-devised “open relationship”, attempting to move towards becoming exclusive again. he either didn’t get my hints or wasn’t interested, so i backed off and (since i was kind of afraid his loss of interest was due to him finding someone else) i told him we could, of course, see other ppl cuz we weren’t together but should be open with each other about meeting other ppl (because freshman year i had a fling with someone and didn’t tell him til a lot later). he kept acting weird a few days later and when i asked what was up, he said he started talking to someone. i freaked out and said we should just break up and he freaked out and said i was overreacting and didn’t agree with any of the reasons we should break up and that we had done what we did last year because we loved and cared about each other. then a few days later i realized what a mistake i made, but he seemed to have flipped some switch. he got defensive when i confronted him about his weird behavior and once i actually called him and told him apologized for everything and said i wanted to be together, he didn’t go for it. a few weekends later, a visited home (partly to see him) and i wanted to work things out. i even sent him a letter about my feelings and mistakes and everything before i saw him. but he said he was really confused at the time and didn’t know what he wanted. but when i told him i wanted to be together again, he didn’t go for it. he drop a few things like “being friends”, “being best friends”, “an open relationship”, and even said he couldnt say “taking a break” cuz we hadn’t been going out. so i didn’t know what he wanted. he also said he couldn’t cuz things off with the other girl because that would be douchey, which i took to mean he didn’t want to end things with her (although he said they had only been talking and didn’t know if it was anything–they hadn’t hooked up) and that he felt horrible for making me upset. when i left, he hugged me and said he loved me. and when i got home, he texted me saying he was glad we met up and happy we got a chance to talk. i never responded and now i’m afraid it might have sent him a negative signal. plus he mentioned how after the night i made out with that kid, he didn’t trust me anymore when i went out with friends and how it bothered him that i wouldn’t let him buy me things (but i just felt like i was using him and knew he couldn’t afford to spoil me the way he sometimes tried to). since then we had no contact and then i texted him on halloween just to say “hey” and that i remembered it was his favorite holiday and he just gave a friendly generic response, saying he hoped I had a good halloween weekend. since then, i haven’t heard from him at all. i saw pictures of him and the girl at a halloween party on facebook. the only communication we have is an ongoing game of words with friends on facebook. he challenges back a lot less frequently than he used to.

so here’s where the questions come in–should i tell him when i’m back for thanksgiving break, so we can hang out? i know he’s super busy and was confused the last time we talked–should I take this as him wanting to be over or just that he needs space to figure out what he wants (like what i did last year)? cuz i sometimes feel like he’s seeing this girl because i saw that guy last year. and i don’t know if he just doesn’t have time for a relationship, if he just needs space, or if we’re over. i love him so so much and i’d do whatever he wants, but when i asked him if he wanted me to be what he was for me last year (very loving, affectionate, visiting all the time and sending packages) he said he didn’t want me to wait for him. i don’t know if he felt guilty telling me to wait or if that was his nice was of saying i shouldn’t wait around because he wanted to be broken up for good. and even when i asked if he wanted to get back together, he said he wanted that to be a possibility. but i don’t know if that meant in the near future or just at some point in our lives. I’M SO TORN AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I love and miss him so much. I literally get crazy happy just going to answer the door when he’d arrive. My mom said I used him as a crutch, and that might be true, but I also love him so so much. I know I have trust issues (infidelity between the parentals) and he obviously sucks at communicating what bothers him, and I don’t know what to do or if I should even bother pursuing this.

Is it likely that he wants this much space (virtually no communication), but has the intention of getting back together? I’m also pretty sure he’s never been the one to end the relationship, so that really threw me off. I don’t know if i should take that to mean i really messed things up or if it isn’t really over.–Did i mention i have a tendency to overanalyze?

Please help! I’m driving myself crazy and I miss him so much.

[April Masini]

First of all, because this is a first relationship, it’s a lot more loaded emotionally than a subsequent relationship may be. Firsts are special because you have no history. Everything is new and exciting and precious. 🙂 It’s also a time to learn from what went right and what went wrong. Some of the things that led you to where you are today, could have been avoided with more experience — but some of them just had to run their course.

The turning point for the relationship was when you decided that your very wise decision to not date or be girlfriend boyfriend when you went 6 hours away to school, was not going to be the final word. It’s hard to do long distance relationships especially when it’s a first relationship and especially when you’re both at college surrounded by more single and available people than you will be ever again in your life. Your initial instinct to call it a great summer and move on, was something you didn’t listen to. 😳

Cheating on him at a party was the nail in the coffin. He never trusted you again after that. Everything else that happened since that party where he saw you making out with another man, was based on a shaky foundation.

Some other points include taking a break. This is never something I recommend. If a relationship needs a break, it probably needs a break up. Open relationships don’t work in the long term. And somewhere along the line you thought it was okay to tell him all your feelings as if you were best friends instead of treating him like a man you wanted to entice so he would want to date you again.

Don’t beat yourself up — these are mistakes people make. But whether or not they learn from them and turn things around in their own lives is what separates successful relationships from failed ones. 😉

There is no more chance for this relationship. He’s moved on and any further communication between the two of you, as you can tell if you’re honest with yourself, is going to be filled with mistrust and second guessing each other. 🙁

I know it’s sad when a first relationship ends, but that’s what’s happened here. Time for you to focus on college, the people on your campus, and your next relationship, which will be even better because of what you’ve learned about yourself, men and relationships. 😀

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

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