[relationshipa1]

Hi

I’m not overly sure where to start. Having read through some other posts, my problem seems to pail in comparrison but it’s totally eating me up.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We got together when I was 22 and he was 19. Although the age difference is there, it’s never been a problem; he is a lovely, reponsible and fun person.

We moved in together after a year, fiirst sharing with friends and we’ve been in our own home for 18 months. Living with him has been pretty uneventful; I wish he was tidier but you can’t always get what you want…

Our problems started three or so months ago. We just stopped…everything. We don’t go out as a couple, we’ve stopped cuddling, kissing; sex is a distant memory. Our once excellent partnership has just become stale and more of a flatshare than a relationship.

We have talked about our rut, Neither of us have cheated and we both say we still love each other. I know that I do but he’s always been the strong and silent type who is quite difficult to read.

The last three months have been a period of change for us both; I’ve started a new job and been pretty sick whereas my boyfriend lost his job and his grandmother. Money is tight so we don’t have the sort of social life that we used to and, to be honest, we just seem to be flowing along without much consideration for each other. This is how I imagined life to be after 25 years together, not 4. Is it just a rut or the end of the road?

[April Masini]

Relax. It’s just a rut. All long term relationships (which yours is) go through different phases, and you’re in a a bit of “down” phase. In addition to which, the stressors which you mention have affected the two of you (a new job, a lost job, illness, death in the family and financial troubles) are all libido killers in and of themselves. With the combo you’ve got going at once, it’s understandable that something has to give — and that something is your sex and romance.

The way to get over this hump or out of this rut is to be patient, but also to do the work required. One of you has to break the cycle of not being affectionate, and baby steps are the perfect way to do this. Hold his hand. Pat his back. Caresses his face. Tell him you love him. Tell him you miss being sexual with him. Tell him you know that the two of you will get “back on track,” and you really look forward to that.

While these gestures may have come very naturally to you when you didn’t have stresses in your lives, now, you have to work at employing them. So do it. If you open the door to your own feelings — even if he doesn’t respond most of the time — you’re opening up opportunities for him to talk to you about his feelings. This kind of communication, with understanding as it’s main component, will allow you to express affection more easily. Intimacy is built on communication and affection, and albeit slowly, you’ll be back on the right track in a little while.

I guarantee that when your boyfriend is back in the work force, he’ll feel a lot better about himself and about your relationship, too. Men’s employment and bread winning capacity plays a big part in their feelings about themselves as men, so your boyfriend is probably having a rough time feeling like “the man” in the relationship right now.

Don’t let finances keep you from having dates. Take planned walks and hikes, have movie night in, have pot luck parties at your house, and let all the free and frugal activities that are available to you become special date opportunities.

This is one of those times when you have the opportunity to learn how work in a relationship can help you through your troubles.

Good luck! 🙂

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