[relationshipa1]

For almost two years I was on and off with my boyfriend from college, Kyle. I have been crazy about him since day one, no matter what our circumstance was. That spark that you hear about, we had it. We broke up a number of times in college and after we graduated, we would lose touch, rekindle our flame, then repeat. Everytime it seemed as though we picked up exactly where we left off, never missing a beat. I finally got to a point in December where I couldnt do it anymore. Kyle hadnt seemed to care enough to make things work, so I FINALLY threw in the towel. Kyle admittedly wasnt mature enough for what he had.

Shortly after our last breakup, I met Steve. Being that Kyle and I werent speaking and I was sure we were done, I dove head first into a relationship with Steve. He is everything a women could ask for. He listens, he cares, and he shows it. January and February passed and I was madly in love… until Kyle and I bumped into eachother one morning. And yes ladies and gents, it was a complete surprise. That was a month ago, and Kyle and I havent lost touch since..

Just like always, it feels like Kyle and I havent skipped a beat. I feel a spark with Kyle that I do not feel with Steve. Here is my question, I know that jumping back into Kyle’s arms would be a bad move, but now that I feel that spark again with someone, I am wondering if my relationship with Steve is meant to be. The spark isnt there but he is damn close to being the perfect man. And by “spark” I mean that crazy, powerful, “i dont care if you lose all your teeth and go bald, im still crazy for you” kinda love. I feel extremely torn and I dont want to do the wrong thing but with Kyle in my head nonstop, I cannot think clear. Am I brainwashed because Kyle is back? A huge part of me wants to either give things with Kyle a try, or go out searching for that spark with someone else… But Steve is amazing and I dont want to regret losing him because I realize men like him are few and far between. Help…

[April Masini]

You bring up a really good point. Is the fleeting spark we all sometimes feel with someone, something we should let govern our lives and give up mature relationships for?

Depending on where you are in your life and what you want, the answer is no. Sparks, lust and attraction are all feelings that turn our heads, but they’re not feelings you can bank on. When you’re ready for a committed, long term relationship, you have to understand that feelings ebb and flow and those sparks come and go. Your relationship with Kyle is hot and cold and it isn’t something you can count on for the long run. Imagine if you had kids, and he’s in and out of your life. At some point you’ll understand that Kyle is part of your capricious past and that you’re ready for someone who is going to be there day in and day out, for better or for worse. Kyle has his assets, but longevity and consistency aren’t two of them — and those are important.

I hope that helps.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. 😀

[katdawg]

so right on April. 😀

[April Masini]

Thanks, [b]katdawg[/b].

[Anonymous]

April,

Thank you for your insights, I am so grateful for your advice! But I have to admit, I am still feeling a bit stumped. I agree with you and have always understood that Kyle is an ex for a reason. I know that he isnt the answer, but I cant help but chase the idea of having that unexplainable feeling or “spark” that we speak of. I am surronded by peers who have all told me that same thing, “if the spark isnt there, you shouldnt be either”. I just turned 23 so they dont think that Im young and I shouldnt be with Steve if that feeling isnt there. But then I stop and think how great of a guy he is(and how rare that is), and I arrive back at square one. Why am I doing this, April?!

Stacey

[April Masini]

If you want to chase feelings, then go after Kyle. You’ll have your “feelings” sated until he leaves or you have drama …. AGAIN. 😕 You already have a history and a pattern with him. It’s up and down and in and out.

When you want a mature relationship with a guy you can count on, the other guy is the one you will go after. I think you understand this intellectually, but you’re lusting after the drama you have with Kyle.

Don’t be too hard on yourself for wanting what you want — but understand why you’re doing what you’re doing so you understand that when he leaves you and the two of you break up again, and your “feelings” are dashed, why they are.

People who chase feelings and leave when the spark goes out don’t provide stable environments or relationships for themselves, any future children or for career and work. Chasing feelings is fun and sexy, but it’s not something you can bank on. Balance is the key here, and I trust you’re figuring this all out so you can eventually have just that. 😀

[katdawg]

if i were to be with the man that i have the “spark” with then i would be with an alcoholic who has hot and cold behavior. i decided that is not what i want in my life and nothing was reliable with him. it was fun until i thought into the future. what it would be like with kids and trying to raise a family. April is right when she says there has to be balance. i’m 38 now and priorities in life are different than when i was 23. you are going to choose which ever road to take. April knows what she’s talking about and you’re either going to trust her advice or not. knowing myself in my twenties and now and wishing i knew then what i knew now..i would not have even wasted my time. i believe finding the balance between spark and stability is part of it. kyle is spark but doesn’t seem very stable.

[b]“People who chase feelings and leave when the spark goes out don’t provide stable environments or relationships for themselves, any future children or for career and work. Chasing feelings is fun and sexy, but it’s not something you can bank on. Balance is the key here, and I trust you’re figuring this all out so you can eventually have just that.”[/b]

[April Masini]

Thank you, [b]katdawg[/b]. Your example is a good one.

[Pangea]

Stacey,

Sometimes, the people to whom we are most attracted are the worst people for us. These relationships often are toxic, with pain on both sides. I believe the time is for soul searching. The following questions might be good for you to consider (don’t worry, I don’t need answers). Why are you so attracted to Kyle? Do you believe you could have a long-lasting relationship without the ups and downs? Do you enjoy the pattern of breaking up and then rekindling your feelings? Some people want people who will put us down or hurt us. I am not saying that that is the case with Kyle. Only you know how things are between you and Kyle. And, maybe you enjoy the inconsistencies of your relationship with Kyle. So, my advice is to figure out why you have gone through what you have with Kyle, and then decide where to go from there.

Best of luck with finding the best solution for yourself!

[April Masini]

Self awareness is the first step to being in a heathy and long-lasting relationship. If you know yourself, and then know what you want in a relationship, you can best choose someone who is good for you. Everyone has a different path to self awareness. If you can learn your lessons quickly then you don’t have to risk as much heartbreak as when you don’t. 🙂

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