[JJZS]

Stats: I have full custody of my child. We have known each other from school, over 20 years ago. We reconnected almost one year ago. I’ve been divorced for nearly 10 years & have one young daughter. He has been divorced for one year and legally separated for 3 years. They have 50/50 custody, but she has only seen them about 4 days a month for the past 3 years. His ex is controlling, abusive to him and tells the kids bad things about me. We are trying to move forward in our relationship, but his kids don’t want to be involved with me. I feel that he is lying to me about the relationship in a desperate attempt to keep me in it, but keep his children out of it.

I don’t know how or what boundaries to set in this relationship. I feel like I’m having an affair with a married man. I live 3 hours away. After six months, we introduced our children. We have been on hikes together, but he has had to force his kids to go. The ex-wife has met me and immediately after she started telling the kids that their dad is trying to replace her. The kids starting feeling anger toward me and HE started NOT calling me as frequently when he has them.

We have been talking about marriage and because I live a far distance, we discussed having my daughter come with me to his house on the weekends. I have NEVER involved my child in a relationship. HE said that HIS children will have to deal with our involvement and we will all have to get together. Before I let my child stay at his house, I told her that I loved him and that he loves me. She asked me if I would marry him and I said I he asks I would. My daughter & I have been going to see him on weekends for the past 3 months. We don’t sleep in the same room. I sleep with my daughter.

He has yet to involve his children with us. I feel betrayed. I feel that he has selfishly chosen to subject my daughter while consciously not involving his children. I spoke with him about it and he stated that his children are having a difficult time with our relationship. I asked him if he has told his children how serious our relationship is and that we are in love. He said NO.

That was one month ago. My daughter has been away for two weeks. I’ve been down only when he doesn’t have his children. He has done NOTHING to try to involve us. I asked again if he told his kids about our feelings and that we are serious. Again, no. So, I asked him if he would do this for me before we see each other again. I asked again last night and in a text message he said, ‘yep’. I had to force what happened out of him. He said that he told them we are in love and, “we will see where it goes.” which is a lie because he and I both know where this is going or we wouldn’t be having this problem. I feel that he is lying to me about marriage and the seriousness of this relationship. I don’t think he talked to his kids at all.

I have no clue what to do. I love him. I know his obligation is to his children first as is mine, but I feel that if he were serious about me then he would show it and tell his kids. We are NOT children. We are both in our mid forties.

Help, I don’t know what to do. My child is already involved. I know that I cannot allow him to visit me anymore or involve my child until he is ready to do the same. The problem is that I cannot afford to drive 3 plus hours to ‘date’ him and his family.

Please give me a solution.

[Ask April Masini]

Blending families is very tricky business, as you can attest to yourself! 😉 It’s not just you and your boyfriend who are involved, frankly. It’s the four children — and your respective ex-spouses, as well! While it would help me to know the ages of the children involved, I’m going to assume at least one of his is a teenager since you’re both in your 40s.

First of all, it is entirely likely that your boyfriend’s ex-wife is successfully alienating his children from you. This is a common and damaging tactic used by parents who don’t want their children to have healthy relationships with their ex-spouses or the ex-spouses’ new partners. Some people go to family court and successfully get full custody of their children because the ex is alienating the children, but alienation is very hard to prove, and going to court is a battle most parents don’t want to wage lightly.

The best defense against alienation is taking the high road at all times. This is enormously difficult and it’s a long term solution with no short term gains. Eventually the children do mature and do understand the reality of what has happened, but often the loss of years of a healthy relationship with the poisoned parent, damages the children. So, my advice for any relationship you have with your possibly future stepchildren is to always take the high road. Acknowledge their mother with good cheer. Send her little presents, and always tell the kids to wish their mother your best — even if it’s not how you feel. Superlative manners in the face of bad behavior is the best course.

Next, you have to understand how frightening this alienation can be to your boyfriend. He is afraid he is going to lose his children altogether if they reject you so much they don’t want to live with you. At a certain age children usually – but not always – get to choose where they want to live. If the court feels that the children are mature enough to decide their custody schedules, they are allowed to do so. Your boyfriend is afraid of losing his children to this dynamic and system. He needs your empathy and understanding.

Finally, you have to understand that you are trying to force a situation where his children accept you and your daughter, as well as their father and you as a couple. The children may see you as a take away, rather than a bonus, especially if they are teenagers. They may feel threatened by your presence in their father’s life. If they do have these feelings their mother is certainly fanning the flames because SHE is threatened that you will take her position as their mother away from her. Being a stepmother can be very threatening to the mother of the children. If you understand the mother’s fear of your presence you can go out of your way to be kind to her. This may or may not help, but it sure doesn’t hurt to try.

Since you write that although the court has granted your boyfriend 50% custody he actually has almost full custody, the children probably know that their mother has abandoned them or is not capable or willing to be with them. This will make the children especially gun shy of someone who may take their one functioning parent away from them — in their eyes. If their mother was more involved and more functional, then the children may not feel that their world was so threatened by you.

Also, the divorce is only a year old, and the separation another three years old, although it isn’t clear how long the present custody schedule has been in place. The kids may feel uprooted by the divorce, still. It takes everyone a different amount of time to get through life transitions like divorce.

Given all of this, I would suggest you give your situation more time. Taking your daughter to sleep at your boyfriend’s house is probably not prudent, even though you’ve been wise enough to not share a bedroom with your boyfriend during these overnights. Until you’re engaged to this man, I’d let your daughter stay on the sidelines of all of this. If you want to visit your boyfriend for overnights when his kids are not around, then having a grandmother babysit or, depending on your child’s age, a weekend sleepover with friends, that you can then reciprocate, is a better way for you to continue dating your boyfriend.

What you’re trying to do CAN be done, but sometimes it can feel like you and your boyfriend are two conductors in a three ring circus! 😆

Given all the players, you need more patience, understanding (and I can tell from your post that you have the maturity and intelligence to achieve this) and an allowance of letting him be the one to make the move in the relationship to get engaged and married. If he feels you’re pushing, he’s going to retreat. He’s got a harder situation to negotiate than you do. While having 100% custody of your daughter is tough because you’re a single parent, his having to co-parent three children (who may be naturally challenging teenagers) with a dysfunctional ex-spouse can be way harder than your lot.

Use this dating process, even if it is cumbersome, to further explore the relationship and to decide if his baggage in his ex-wife and children are going to work for you in any kind of permanent relationship for you and your daughter.

If he does propose and you accept and you do marry, you will need to open your mind as wide as possible to know that you won’t be having a Norman Rockwell family, but you can have a happy, flexible blended family that rolls with the punches that will inevitably be part of your lives together.

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