The New Guy

[confused]

Well first off I just want to say I’m completely new to this type of forum and any advice to organize this confused brain of mine would sure be appreciated! Here goes:

I 1st met this guy on a game we both enjoy. We was slow about it.. talking here and there as guildmates then one night I went to help him in an area of the game. From that point on it was just “us”. We really hit it off.. got to actually “talk” one to one with really noone interupting. We found out we lived 1hr from each other, had ALOT in common and let me say I’m 22, hes 38. I’ve always been attracted to guys much older than me. Why? I’d have to say its because their more mature (some). They usually have a “Career” established and have a great head on their shoulders.. really know what they want out of life. This guy had it all… with one exception.. the career thing… but he was going to school for his career. OK I thought, not a bad thing, atleast hes trying.

After a week of talking online, through a gaming chat service (Ventrilo) and on the phone we decide to meet up. I meet him, we go to the park w/his dog, talk about interests and we talk more about what we want. Him: His degree, career, stable for family. Me: Degree, Career (better life for my 1 year old)

He told me from the beginning how HORRIBLE his relationships was. Hes been in love about ehh 3-4 times.. had many gf’s.. but always end up to be devistating on him. His last gf about 3 years ago really messed him up. They was engaged.. she ran around on him.. he took her back.. she lasted for about 6months and did it again and they split up again. Hes been single since then.. told himself that he isn’t gonna let nothing stop him from getting his degree.. ( Always seems to put the degree aside because of gf’s/fiance`etc) and he never can get a 1 year into school. He went on to explain he tried to date girls since then.. but nothing more than a “casual” relationship. But he then explains how weird it is that we met like we did. Live an hr away, have alot of common ground and enjoy many of the same things. Almost as if “fate” stepped in. We agree to take it slow.. get to know each other before calling it “offical” Bf/Gf. So we are, thats what we’re doing now. Heres the problem…

Today he tells me that he really really likes me..and by now he should be falling in love with me. Hold up we’ve been taking it slow for 2months and thats when people are suppose to fall for each other?? Not entirely sure if thats politcally correct.. I nod and listen to him go on about how hes unsure why he can’t “fall in love with me” Hes told me hes ruined.. because of his past he has trust issues with women..afraid to get hurt and on top of that hes dealing with a crappy job he really hates.. his mother is dying.. hes having to take care of her.. and I come in with a whole list of problems.. can’t find work didn’t have a car till he bought one for me and forced to stay with my parents till I can afford to get out on my own and he tells me he believes its stress thats mentally blocking him from “falling for me”. He assures me once I can find a job and get out of my parents place things will be better on us. Yet hes still calling himself ruined, says nothing is wrong with me.. im not doing anything to make him feel this way.. and the sad thing is on my part.. I really do like this guy. I’ve agreed to give him time.. all you can really do for a person thats has their own issues like that. And hes even openly admitted that their his issues. SO I guess what I’m asking is.. what can I do.. if anything to help him with these issues..how can I win him over.. ugh it tears me up inside because I can’t HELP him.. We have feelings for each other.. but once he told me this..I feel like hes about to end our relationship and I don’t want that.. and neither does he. You or anyone have any advice for this problem… is there a ray of hope??

[April Masini]

I’ll try to answer all your questions, but overall, there is no hope. Don’t spend any more time with this guy. This relationship is going nowhere good. Stop ignoring what he’s telling you, and face reality. He’s a 38 year old guy with relationship issues who’s unemployed, can’t get his education and blames that problem on women instead of taking responsibility, and is taking care of his dying mother, and to top it off, he can’t fall in love with you. What is it you’re not hearing or seeing?

As a single mother who’s unemployed and living with your parents, you should really focus on your own challenges first. You’re lucky that your parents have taken in you and your child, but you should get a job, get some child care, go back to school and finish your education, then get an apartment for you and your child, near your parents so that they can babysit when you start to date. And make sure you take care of business by getting the court to order your baby’s father to pay child support so that the child is properly taken care of.

If you don’t take care of your own personal life, you’re only going to bring chaos to your relationships. If you do get your ducks in a row, you’re more likely to have a smooth sail when it comes to dating and love.

When you do start to date again, as a single mother, you have a responsibility to your child to put being a mother first. For now. That means you can’t date any guys who don’t have jobs and careers. If you’re spending money and time on someone who can’t get their own life together, you’re cheating your child out of that money and time that they deserve to have from their parents.

So, get your life together. Feelings come and go. You’re going to feel like you like men, love men and lust for men — but that DOES NOT mean that they are appropriate dates and boyfriends for you. When you wrote that you like older men who have their careers together, that’s fine — but then don’t pick a 38 year old with no education or job to spend your time on! You shouldn’t be helping him. Not at this point. He should be trying to win you over, not looking for occupational therapy from you! And you should NOT be trying to win him over. Why would you want to? The guy’s troubled — and you should be looking for a man who thinks YOU are the one who needs to be won over.

When you say that this guy is about to end your relationship….LET HIM! That is if you can’t do it first. He doesn’t want the responsibility of a single mother because he has too many problems that are unresolved. And he’s right.

You’re young and you have a child — focus on yourself and make yourself the prize that some amazing prince on a white horse is going to want to win over (okay, maybe it’ll be a nice Toyota or a BMW instead of a horse). Feel free to ask me for advice along the way, but no more guys without jobs!!

[Anonymous]

Perhaps I didn’t clearify it very well, I apologize. He does have a job, hes a mental worker at a state university hospital. I’m not the one thats spending money.. hes the one thats spending money on me.. I am trying to get a job, been looking for one and going to attend the community college near me beginning Jan of next year. Its not that hes not going to school, he does, couldn’t this semester because of tax issues, but hes starting back next spring when he gets it all paid for.

*Update* He did tell me that since I’m getting my ducks in a row so to speak, stress is lifting off him. He has told people that I am his gf (other women) that approach him.. not entirely sure if he means what he says to them or not. He did make it clear that if I didn’t get a job and moved out on my own we wouldn’t make it in a relationship. Which is understandable.. who wants to be young and unemployed living with their parents, with a child? Not I. So I’m doing what needs to be done, not only for my future, but the future of my daughter. His exact words was this “Once you get a job, save money up and move out on your own, we can really start to date. Being under stress brings out the bad in people.. and when you want to date people, you want to date people when their in their good times.. so when bad times come you stay with them because you know how they are in the good times.” Makes sense I suppose. Should I just give it up entirely? I mean we are trying to work through this. And its my fault some facts wasn’t stated clearly. Has the game changed completely now?

[witch_goddess]

I think you should take things slowly, never rush in love for love never runs out. That kind of guy is a waste of time but it is your own life and if you do really love the guy comfort him and try to understand him and let him be open minded about the implications he has been thinking, if you have the patience to do that. Loving someone needs sacrifice especially on your part since he has some issues with his own life. If you have a hard time to let him go, then support him and make him realize some things that can make him to be a better person not just for you but for himself also. However, if he still won’t change at least one bit better let go of the relationship and find another guy who is worthy of your time and attention. Life is to short to be wasted on craps.

[April Masini]

Thank you for clarifying the facts. Now that you’ve made it clear to me that he DOES have a job, but is really just looking for a better job, I don’t see him as some deadbeat guy. What I do see is that he is wary of taking on the burden of an unemployed single mother and her child. I think when he started making excuses about the relationship, he wasn’t necessarily committed to those excuses. He just didn’t know how to tell you he was worried about taking on such a burden in a girlfriend if the two of you became serious. Which, as you acknowledge, is understandable. His advice to you to get a job and save up to be able to move out of your parents house is good advice. It’s not just good advice for your relationship with this guy (or any future man), it’s good advice for you as a person with or without a man in your life. So I give this guy credit for looking out for your best interest.

What doesn’t come up in his advice, which may be because he is not a parent, is your child. Dating as a single mother — or father — comes with special circumstances. I do not believe it’s a good idea to have your child aware of or knowledgeable of your dates. It can be too confusing for your child. So my advice is to only date when your child is at her grandparents home or in the care of a babysitter. Instead of having your date come to your home, meet him somewhere to avoid having your child know what you’re doing. If and when you get serious with a boyfriend, and intend to marry him, that’s when you can start introducing your child to your date, but not before. So budget babysitters and grandparent sleep overs into your financial calendar and your time calendar!

If you can and do do those things mentioned above, then I think that it’s okay for you to start dating this guy. He’s given you some good advice — regardless of whether or not he’s [i]the one[/i]. I think I have, too — regardless of whether or not he’s [i]the one[/i]. And if you follow the advice, you should be free and clear to explore this relationship. But remember to be open minded and protective of yourself when you’re dating anyone. You’re worth it. So is your child!

[Anonymous]

Since my last reply I’m very happy to report that I got a job and my life is starting to get on track. He commited to a relationship with me on his own. Didn’t pressure him or nothing.. kinda sat back and let things move they way the wanted. Hes opening up more and more everyday and I couldn’t ask for more. As far as my child goes, shes only met him a couple times.. but shes just turned 1 year old. We both agreed we want to get get to know each other before bringing my child more into the relationship. Its more for him.. he wants to get more attached to me.. than being attached to my child and something happens to where we stop our relationship and he can’t see my lil girl. Understandable 🙂

Hes really making an effort on our issues as we both are and when he came out and told me we was ready to call us “offical” I sighed in relief. Thanks for the advice you guys. And its a big lesson.. patience=time.

[April Masini]

That’s great news!

Remember to put yourself as a good mother first, and as a girlfriend second. It’s a good rule of thumb to follow when dating as a single mother. And if your boyfriend is serious about you, he’ll not only understand this rule, but support it. Your child is very young, and if things work out with this guy, he will spend the rest of his life as a step-parent to your child. So act wisely and accordingly. Dating as a single parent is different than dating without children.

Let us all know how things progress!

Have a great weekend.

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