the past! should i know?

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  • #2146
    military_vet5
    Participant

    my girlfriend and i have been dating for about 8 months now. i am madly in love with her and she is in love with me. recently i came across something that peaked my interest on her facebook page. let me back track. my girlfriend has a lot of guy friends everyone says she is like one of the guys. i dont mind that, i trust her. but the dillema i have is what i saw on her facebook page. i was just looking at some of her pictures when i came across a note she had that i have never noticed before. im not a very facebook savy person so i can see why i missed it. but it interested me to see what it was. it was a questionaire. so i started to read the questions. well, one of them threw me for a ringer. the question was “do you still love someone you know you shouldnt?” well when i met her she had told me she has never been in love before. now she wrote this about a month before i met her. when i asked her about it she blew up at me saying i was being nosey and spying on her. i honestly wasnt, i just happened to come across it. she wouldnt talk about it. all she said is that she had deep feelings for someone that she knew wasnt good for her and it was in the past since it was written before i met her which it doesnt pertain to our relationship. she wouldnt tell me a name or where he lives since she lived in tahoe and reno. which she visits often. she has family that lives there and all her friends live there. she wouldnt even give me an answer when i asked her if she still has those feling for him. all she said is that she is with me and she only wants to be with me. i guess you would say i have low self-esteem issues since ive been hurt extremely bad in previous relationships. she says im very jealous. im not like a normal guy since im very affectionate and mushy and im very attentive and want to take care of her. she is more of a guy with not wanting to know things and not affectionate or romantic. i dont know if she is trying to protect me by not telling me who it is cause she is still friends with him and thinks im going to worry that when she goes up there and maybe happens to see him when she is hanging out with people im going to freak out think she is messing around on me. but i dont think i would do that. now my imagination is running wild thinking that something is going on. im questioning why she doesnt want to tell me. is there something i should be worried about? how can i get her to talk about it? and why the secrecy? please help me! i have no one to talk to about this.

    #11365
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    Your girlfriend is more of a private person than you are. You like to know a lot of things about people because that makes you feel secure. She likes to have a lot of privacy in her own life. This is going to cause problems unless you can ease up a little bit.

    The fact that things have been going so well for eight months is most important. That you found this “clue” of a past or present longing on her Facebook page doesn’t necessarily sound like a ticking time bomb. My guess is that you overreacted and she felt attacked. Now she’s over reacting by shutting down and not offering you any information in retaliation. See how this cycle got started and is spinning out?

    Most people have first boyfriends or girlfriends who will always be a first love and for whom they will always feel sentiment or even love. This doesn’t mean that they act on these feelings or that they shouldn’t have the feelings. What’s important is how she conducts her life now, and it seems like she’s showing a commitment to you.

    My advice to you for now is to drop it. The more you push for information the more she’s going to feel violated. I know you’re anxious, and you’re going to have to deal with these feelings on your time, not hers so that you don’t stir the pot. If your relationship continues to grow in a positive direction, you’ll be coming back to her home town to visit her family and friends, and you’ll have a chance to feel more secure as she invites you into her world. But don’t try to be a bull and bust into her world — that robs her of the chance to invite you home with her.

    Let this incident go. In and of itself it’s not a red light. Focus instead on your goal which is getting to know her and yourself, and seeing if she’s really Ms. Right for you, and you’re Mr. Right for her.

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