To stay and work on it, or go back to an ex?

[jdphoenix]

I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years. Though all my friends & family like her, they maintain that she’s good for me but not right for me. When it comes to the way she sees the world, it is very different from my family & the way I’ve been brought up. But I know she absolutely loves me & she moved in with me recently. Since then though, I’ve found times when I didn’t want to spend any time with her. This could be because I’ve been living in my own flat for 6 years, enjoying my own space, but part of me wonders if I still want to be with her.

To complicate matters, an ex of mine recently spoke to both my mum & sister saying how much she wants me back. There is a complicated history there – she led me on for 7 years when we were younger. While I resolved to be friends and have seen our relationship as ‘what might have been’, this development has thrown me. This girl’s best friend has also asked me pointed questions like “Are you happy with your girl?”

I love my girlfriend, but because of the times that we fight, in addition to when I would rather watch TV than talk to her, I’m not sure that I’m IN LOVE with her. I definitely do have feelings for my ex, that have been there for 11 years now. But are those feelings love, or simply the effect of chasing after her for so long? I should say that I’ve not actually spoken to her about all of this.

So, do I stay in my current situation & work on my feelings, knowing that, despite our many differences, my girlfriend loves me. Or, do I take a chance on the unknown, with a chance of getting hurt again?

[April Masini]

Moving in together was a big step! But it sounds like you have some reservations about the relationship now that you’re living together. And, you’re right — your second thoughts may have to do with your suddenly sharing living space and not having your bachelor life which you miss sometimes, but it may also have to do with your simply not being ready for this type of commitment. Living together is a big deal — maybe more of a big deal than you imagined. Lots of 28 year old men, like you, don’t feel ready for the next step. You’re not alone. But, that said if you do break up with your girlfriend over these reasons, she will probably move on. She’s invested four years in the relationship and she’s moved in with you — a big deal for her as well — so make sure that asking her to move out — or your moving out — is really something you want before doing it. As for the ex-girlfriend you’re interested in again, remember that there are no guarantees, so if you want to date her, you should — but be open minded that this may or may not work out. You don’t have to do anything today — you can let this pay out, but do be mindful of your feelings and if you discover that you really did make a mistake, then move to correct it so neither one of you wastes time. 😉

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