[emerson327]

My problem involves my relationship with my wife. It has always been an issue between us that I have to work second shift, and with our two young kids it has worked out that we do not have to pay a babysitter. So basically I only see my wife 3 nights of the week. But within the last year my wife has been going out with friends to a local bar often on one of the three nights that I am actually home. At first I was OK with it maybe once a month, but it has become a weekly thing. I am not saying that I am opposed to her having friends and having fun at all. But I have noticed a difference in her. About a week ago I did what I know was wrong, and I looked in her phone, at her text messages. And what I found was that she has been “flirting” heaviliy with a guy that frequents the bar that her and her friends go to. I have only met this man once, and before I knew anything I expressed my dislike for him. But evidentally they kept on “talking”. In the messages it came down to this man telling my wife that HE cannot hang out with her any more, because he wants to have sex with her. Her reply was that she does too but it cannot happen. Eventually in the messages it came down to my wife apologizing for being a “trashy married whore” (her words) and stating that they can still hang out as just friends. I feel like I have been betrayed. I looked up the definition of cheating and it stated basically doing anything physical or emotional that you would not do in front of your partner. I don’t know what to do anymore. This has made me distant towards her. And she is constantly mad at me for not communicating enough.

Please understand that I love my wife with all of my heart. And I do not want any part of our relationship to end. But I can never seem to catch a break with her. If I want to be physical with her, it is always a “NO” on her part. But if the tables are turned (which they rarely are) and she wants to have sex then it is OK. (And I have never turned her down…lol)
Please help.

[April Masini]

The good news is that it sounds like you and your wife both have a commitment to your marriage and want to work things out and make them better. While that commitment may not be exactly equivalent, since what she did with her bar buddy was wrong and crossed the line, the fact is that she did not sleep with him or make out with him, and although her not sleeping with him was not exactly done gracefully (there was no reason for her to tell him she wanted to have sex with him, even if it was as a prelude to say that she couldn’t do it), there was no actual sex between them. So, you can take some solace in that.

I’d like you, however, to not focus on this other guy because [i]he’s not the problem[/i]. The real problem is the relationship between you and your wife. Marriages endure different phases of love and affection, and growing apart can be normal. But it’s time to put your love life back on track. 🙂

First of all one of you needs to break the cycle you’re in. And since you wrote me, I’m nominating you for that job! 😉 You need to get over your desire for distance, and take your wife out to dinner, or sit down over a glass of wine when the kids aren’t around, to talk about your feelings. Please don’t put her in a position of defense because that will just land you back where you already are. Instead, I’m asking you to muster your ability to offer your understanding of her loneliness and desire to be with friends away from her 24/7 “mom” job, and to feel attractive — even if it’s to the wrong man/men. If you can get her to open up without judging her, the channel of communication will open up — and that’s the key to everything.

Next, you need to start to be the man she fell in love with, again. It’s so easy for husbands and wives — especially those with children — to fall into the business of marriage and family and to forget love and romance. Managing a home and family isn’t sexy business, and when one or both parties feel neglected, they tend to blame each other, rather than take responsibility for their part in the process.

Seduction is the name of your new game when it comes to your wife, and I’d like you to start appreciating her — not just as a woman, but as a sexual being! Call her to flirt with her. Leave her a sexy message. Flowers work wonders. And make time for the two of you when the children are not around. Did I say “Make time for the two of you when the children are not around.”? 😉 MAKE TIME FOR THE TWO OF YOU WHEN THE CHILDREN ARE NOT AROUND. [b]Regularly. [/b]

Since your wife likes going to the bar with her friends — you be the one to take her out for a drink. You be the one to flirt with her at the bar. You be the one to give her a wolfish once over as she walks towards you when you’re out and about and not in the house or with the kids.

Doing this for your wife is going to start your motor running on it’s own, and since women always take longer to warm up then men do, work on her sexuality and yours will naturally bloom.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go.

[Anonymous]

April,

Thank you so much for the information and answers. We have definitely fallen into a rut in the physical side of our relationship. The main problem lies in the fact that I work second shift, and my two days off are days that she has to work. We don’t have a full day together at all. During the rest of my work week including weekends I get off work between 11:00 and 12:00 at night, and we both get up at 6:00 in the morning to get the kids off to school. So she is always tired (her words). I have tried in the past to schedule date nights, and they are great, but it always seems like the next day she makes me feel guilty for keeping her up late (I don’t think that is her intention but that is how it feels).

[April Masini]

Exhaustion is one of the biggest libido killers of all. It’s entirely plausible that your wife’s fatigue is definitely killing her sex drive. So see if there’s any way at all you can get out of this rut. Do you get holidays off? If so, can you get grandma to watch the kids for two nights so that you and your wife can check into a hotel (it doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive — just clean!) for some adult time?

Even if you get two nights at a hotel once a month (which is probably costs the same as if you went on regular date nights), that would be an improvement on what you have now.

Or better yet, can you send your kids to stay with relatives for a week twice a year? I’m not sure how old your kids are, but a week at a favorite aunt and uncle’s house may be just right for your kids, and a good break for your wife to gain her sex drive back.

If you and your wife have neighbors or close friends who live near by who may want to get into a weekend babysitting club so that you all help each other out and get free weekends every few weeks, that also may help.

Basically, your problem is coming to light, and you have to get creative about finding a solution that works for your family. 🙂

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