[relationshipa1]

Hi,

I have had a very on/off relationship with my ex boyfriend. I know by now I should have moved on, but each time we break up after a while he comes back saying how he loves me etc etc. And to go into the in’s and outs now is just way too complicated. (i have known him for 4 years)

Well we were together for a few months at the beginning of this year, and during this he gave me his password for an application form he was doing so I could check it. Not long afterwards we broke up and I then tried his password on him facebook. I went in and found a few things I had rather I hadn’t messages he had sent to other girls – but while we hadn’t been together. The most hurtful thing was a chat convo he had had with someone else where he had said some things about previous girlfriends meaning more to him than me. At this point I managed to get some respect from somewhere (as we were still quite friendly) and I wrote him a letter explaining what I had done and what I had seen. I had thought by telling him what I had done (as he is a very private person) that would be it for him and me and I could move on.

He changed his password a week later and that was that.

I am naturally quite a nosey person and he started getting back in touch again. (the main reason we normally break up is because i dont feel important enough to him). I then thought to use his password on his hotmail account (where all his facebook alerts come to), and it worked – i thought he would have changed that too!?

Since then it has almost become a bit of an addiction to check his emails. me and him aren’t going back out again but have been seeing more of each other and I thought maybe we were going to give it another go. I feel so guilty for checking his emails – and i know everyone will say just stop. i know its wrong.

But from past experiences with him he often doesnt tell me the truth (early on in the realtionship found messages on his phone – we rebuilt the trust after that and I definitely did trust him.
We can clearly see there is very little trust between us, I do think it can be rebuilt tho? Can’t it?

Anyway he went away last weekend with a load of friends and I knew a girl was going to be there who liked him quite a lot. He has always denied liking her back and denied anything happening with her. He went away bank holiday weekend and she was there (photos on the night out with a lot of them together). And when he said there was nothing in it so I trusted him.

We are talking about getting back together. from reading his hotmail i know he has recently slept with someone else. i confronted him about this and he said all he did was kiss and sleep in the same room with her. Now to be totally honest even if that is all he did it still feels like it would have been intimate and a betrayal. I’m pretty sure from seeing what she ahs put this wasn’t all that went on. But he won’t admit it.

Now I thought well if that is it between us it really doesn’t matter – I know what happened whether he wants to admit it to me or not – he still stands by the fact that he was really drunk and can’t remember much and just got of with her (as he put it)

Well he obviously doesn’t know I have been snooping and for how long. If me and him are to make a go of it I know I can’t keep snooping. But I am not sure what basis we have for a relationship while I still know he was lieing to me and I have been snooping.

Before me and him get even more involved – do I admit what I have been doing, what I have read and ask for a clean slate and risk him not wanting me anymore (may be a blessing in disguise) or do I find the strength from somewhere to learn to trust him and no longer check his emails. I am uncertain I have the strength in me to do this and feel so guilty. But is it wrong to tell him to ease my own guilt for doing so?
It isn’t the first time i have done something like this (i have found things a lot of times I have which is I guess where the temptation to keep doing this comes from and my lack of trust with him)
If he was wanting to make a go of things should I confess, he confess and we agree to forgive and forget and try and start afresh? Can this be done? Can trust be rebuilt if that is both what both partners have really realised they want. Or has too much damage been done?

Argh!!!!

Please help!

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day I think the decision lies with you of whether or not you want back with him!!.

I know u say that if you do then you will stop checking his email account but will you?? If you get suspicious about him again I think you will prob check again which comes down to trust and it’s obvious that you dont trust him and I dont think its going to go anywhere if you dont trust him. I def wouldn’t recommend telling him that you have been checking his email account cause he could end up telling everyone you were stalking him.

If I was you I think I would tell him that you dont feel you can trust him and for that reason you cant get back with him and if there is something worth fighting for make him come back to you.

This is just my opinion and I am sure people will have other opinions on it!

[Anonymous]

Hi Sally,

Thanks for your advice, I’m not sure if I am strong enough to stop looking in his emails but I need to try for my own sake. I feel so guilty when I do it, but the thought that he is tricking me somehow wins along with my insecurities.

He has been so up and down with me, I know the best thing is to do as you said – he really needs to prove to me he can be trusted and I need to prove to myself that I can be as well by stopping gonig in his emails. it shows no respect for him or myself (though i know i have very little respect for myself at the moment!)

I know I love him and I hope he can show me the committment i want, but I need to not settle for less anymore and be happy by myself first.

Thanks
Gx

[April Masini]

The answer to your question is: No, you will not be able to regain your trust with this man. You’ve already given the relationship a chance for over 4 years off and on, and you know you shouldn’t be with him. You know he lies to you. He’s just using you, and you are never going to mean enough to him so that he wants you to be anything more than a filler girlfriend or someone he sees in addition to the women he cheats on you with.

Sorry — I know that’s harsh, but after 4 years with this guy, you really need to hear this.

The real question is why you want to be with someone who lies and cheats. Your self esteem is so low that you would settle for giving yourself to a man who will never love you more than other women, and who will never be loyal to you.

My suggestion is that you stop dating this guy, and really put your focus on you. You need to do work on yourself before you can be in a relationship with anyone!

My book, Think & Date Like A Man, will help you build your self esteem because it provides real reasons why you need to value yourself enough to be the prize that a man will want so much so, that he’ll play the dating game to win you. If you don’t value yourself, no one else will. And, ironically, the more you value yourself, the more you will attract men who value you, too. Get the book here, [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] and start reading now. By Monday, you’ll be in a better place to start thinking about what you want in a man, and how to get it.

I hope this helps! 🙂

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