Trust (or lack thereof)

[quoth_the_raven]

Hi
I have a problem with my girlfriend. We’ve been dating a few months, and she claims to love me, but she keeps hiding things from me then lying to my face about them. For example she met up with her ex (that before me she had been borderline obsessed with) over Easter but when I asked her about it she claimed she hadn’t seen him since before Christmas. I know she’s lying because my friends were in the same pub and saw them together! The thing is, nothing happened. They didn’t act like a couple, they didn’t kiss or cuddle… so why bother hiding it? I know she might think it would make me more comfortable not knowing, but things like this I’m eventually going to find out (as I have) and it makes me more uncomfortable knowing she’s probably met him more than once and I don’t know if anything happened. If she hadn’t lied about it I could trust her, but she’s made me unable to.
Now last night she’s announced she’s going away for a week long beach party. This is the first time she’s mentioned it, despite clearly planning it for a long time. It’s not like I could, or would, stop her going, so why doesn’t she say anything until the last minute (she’d already left when she told me). She says she loves me, but I can only trust her as much as her actions have let me – for me a relationship isn’t a back-stage pass to my trust, it still has to be earnt. Now I’m worried she’s going to be hanging out drinking and doing drugs in a sexually-charged environment. I want to trust her, and know part of the problem is me not doing so, but she hasn’t let me. What can I do?

[kai]

It seems to me that if she’s always lying to you about things, especially the types of things you’ve mentioned — meeting up with her ex (the guy she was obsessed with) and hanging out with him, making plans to go to parties that you’re not going to etc, — that you should consider looking for someone else.

Find someone who wants to go to parties WITH YOU and who wants to hang out WITH YOU and who doesn’t do things she has to lie about TO YOU.

You deserve better.

[kayloni]

I believe that this girl does have feelings for you. I don’t know if I would call it love. I don’t know her or her behavioral patterns as a person. I think that she may have experienced a very controlling and overly jealous ex, and she is applying his habits to you and your relationship with her.

Before she confronts you about anything, she thinks it over in her head, and for some reason or another thinks that you are going to tell her no, then proceeds to find a way around you telling her no. As far as the reason she thinks that you are going to tell her no, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because she IS going to do or did something that you disapprove of. Or maybe it’s because for some psychological reason she thinks that you will assume that she is going to do something that you disapprove of.

Have you confronted her about WHY she continuously does this?

Here is another question: Is she much younger than you? The reason I ask is because a lot of times (and I know from experience), girls will date older guys for one reason or another, but then they think of them as a fatherly figure…thus making them go behind the man’s back so that they can “be their own age” without the man disapproving as a father would.

I may be way off about this, but I hope I’ve helped a little.

[April Masini]

There is not a course in school entitled, Love 101. There’s English and there’s History, but no one gives you a textbook on love or a course guide or a mid term and a final exam. People learn about love from what they see around them growing up, out and about in the world, and the media. They make their own decisions about what is right and wrong in love and otherwise, the same way.

Your girlfriend’s idea of love is different than yours. You can’t call the police and fine her or ticket her for not loving you properly because there’s no code or laws to break in love. So you have to decide if this is someone who’s compatible in their love for you.

You already know deep down that the reason your girlfriend doesn’t tell you about meeting her ex or going off to a beach party for a week is because she doesn’t want you to be part of it. Her idea of having a boyfriend — or having you as her boyfriend — just doesn’t include being invited to the party. And it doesn’t include telling you the truth.

Since you’ve only been dating a few months, you’ve done your job and figured out what isn’t working for you. I’d say respect yourself and move on. You’ll feel a lot more comfortable with a girlfriend who doesn’t lie to you.

[Lizzy_09]

[quote=”quoth_the_raven”]she met up with her ex (that before me she had been borderline obsessed with) over Easter but when I asked her about it she claimed she hadn’t seen him since before Christmas. I know she’s lying because my friends were in the same pub and saw them together![/quote]

How do you react if she tell you something significant? Some people can’t handle the truth, so this gives others to lie. May be she’s afraid of your reaction since she’s meeting up with a former boyfriend.

[quote]The thing is, nothing happened. They didn’t act like a couple, they didn’t kiss or cuddle… so why bother hiding it? [/quote]

One thing I know is that if you’ve got something to hide, why flaunt it?

I think you should bring up this topics again but before you do, try to reassure her that you won’t get angry emotions cloud your judgment. Then tell her that a friend of yours saw her with her ex. Maybe she will be able to tell you why.

You are right by saying that trust isn’t demanded, it is earned. If you doubt her explanation again, then keep us posted of your progress.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Please let me know how things are going for you. 😉

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