What you describe is not unusual. When people divorce, they have an opportunity to process what really happened in their choosing a spouse with whom their marriage failed, and what their part in that failure was. It’s also a time to think about what kind of a relationship they do want, and if it’s another marriage, how they can take responsibility this time around, to promote success in marriage.
Everyone’s process of analysis is different. Some people “get it” pretty quickly. Others take decades to figure it all out. Some people figure it out while they’re dating, and others figure it out in subsequent marriages that fail.
It sounds like your dating process is still new post-divorce, and that you’re figuring out what happened in your divorce (subconsciously, perhaps), through this relationship. By trying to repeat patterns in your new relationship you’re giving yourself a window into your failed marriage. If you’re clever, you’ll look hard and try to figure out what it is about this dynamic you’re trying to replicate now, that is important to you on some level.
My big advice to you is to relax. Dating is a process normally. When you date after divorce, it’s a more layered process. Don’t panic when things don’t go right. Remember that dating is a numbers game, and you have to play ball to give yourself a chance to score a grand slam. But when you play ball there are going to be way more strike outs than grand slams. 😉 Be gentle with yourself as you partake of the relationship with this guy — and do your own work by trying to figure out why you’re trying to repeat your failed marriage.
Believe it or not, the work you’re doing right this second is what will keep you out of another failed marriage. Many people repeat their failed relationships in serial marriages that end in divorce. What you’re doing is actually self-protective. You’re giving yourself a flashing yellow light. Some part of you is trying to adjust your own behavior. You’re on the right track. Dig deeper. And be analytic, while still being in your dating life.
I hope that helps! 🙂
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