[stefy05]

Hi April I need your help,

I am 20 years old and I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half.He is also 20, although we’ve had our share of problems, we managed to get through them and I adore him a lot. He’s funny and he’s in college with me. His biggest flaw is that he smokes and obviously that does not go well with my mother, where it doesn’t seem to bother me. He is black and I am spanish. My mother says she’s not racist but he’s the butt of all her jokes. All my family and friends tell me how ugly he is and how I deserve so much better as a pretty girl. I really have ignored it since we’ve been dating, but I recently found out my family has a very hurtful nickname for him and is constantly making jokes of him when I am not around. This hurts me a lot, I have told him to stop coming around my house as often so my mom has no room to bad talk his smoking, she says he always smells bad and her constant complaining is starting to annoy me. It’s starting to hurt our relationship, although he knows nothing about the jokes and the complaining on my family’s part, he thinks I don’t want him around since he can’t come to my house. I feel like no one will ever be good enough in my mom’s eyes but I feel like she’s making me choose. And I expected more support from my family and am very upset. I am confused and often wonder whether looks is more important to my family over values and I do not know how to handle this situation, I tried talking to her but all she says is he’s so ugly and I am not embarrased of him, but I am very tired of their opinions. Please help.

[April Masini]

It sounds like your family, particularly your mother, is racist. The smoking is a bad habit, and it’s fair for your mother not to want anyone to smoke in her home or for you to not be with someone who smokes, but the ugly comments about your boyfriend don’t have any basis in health. They’re just ignorant. In addition to which, as you already know, being a great boyfriend and even being sexy has to do with confidence, success, charisma and charm way more than appearance, so if you love your boyfriend, he’s been a good man, and his only flaw is smoking, your mother and your family don’t deserve his company.

You, however, are in the middle, and it’s time for you to start separating from your family. You need to let them know that you will not tolerate racism or name calling of your boyfriend, and that you will not be visiting them or spending time with them if they continue this behavior. You can tell them that whether or not they like or approve of your boyfriend, they need to use manners, and if they can’t, then you’ll see them when they learn to.

It’s a hard line, but if you don’t express your character and your own morality as you become an adult, they won’t respect you.

I know this is difficult for you, but it’s about growing up and becoming your own person. Do the right thing.

[stefy05]

Thanks so much,

With that being said. He’s been mentioning moving in together. I want to move in a house or an apartment just me and him. He lives with his mother (a single mother) and he doesn’t want to leave her alone just yet since he helps with the rent. I stay over his house one night a week and his mother loves me, but he wants to get a house with at least 2 or 3 bedrooms so we can all live together. He wants to do this until we finish college (in a year) and then he can be able to afford to get us an apartment and help his mom with some money for her own apartment also. I feel like he’s a momma’s boy and needs to grow up and separate from her, is going to happen one day or another. Am I being inconsiderate? or is this moving together thing a bad idea? I just don’t want problems to happen because we’re all going to live together. I also dont want to rush the living together idea since we’re so young. I guess I don’t want to end up heartbroken or even homeless if we do break up.

What are your suggestions?

[April Masini]

You are not being inconsiderate when you say your boyfriend who wants you to move in with he and his mother is a momma’s boy. You’re right! It’s not a good idea for a bunch of reasons, among them, there is no reason for you to move in together right now — you’re not engaged or married, so what’s the big rush? You’re only 20 years old, and you can’t have had much experience prior to this year and a half relationship, so again, what’s the big rush? And just because his mother loves you doesn’t mean you should move into her house. There is absolutely no reason for this move at this time. So don’t make it.

If you do end up breaking up over this, well, then, he isn’t Mr. Right. Mr. Right wants you to be his number one woman and will wait until he’s financially stable before asking you to move in with him and marry him, because it’s a huge sacrifice for him, taking yourself off of the dating market.

Your instincts are all very, very good — you just need the courage and maturity to follow them and not let other people sway you away from them.

[stefy05]

Thank you so much even thought I don’t think I explained myself in the last line. I dont wanna end up heartbroken or homeless if we do break up while living together. But you’re right and for now is better to just wait and let time tell.
Thanks 😀

[April Masini]

I don’t want you to end up homeless — although heartbroken is part of normal life and it helps the broken hearted to choose more wisely to avoid the pain next time.

If you are living with your family now, then you should continue to live with them until you can complete school and get a job. If you’re in college, there are loans and grants you can apply for to help with your expenses, including living expenses, during school.

And if your boyfriend is Mr. Right, he will understand and respect your decision not to move in with he and his mother without withholding your love for him.

I hope that helps. I know you’ve been in some tough situations lately, but don’t make everything “heavy.” Balance the light side of your life that is fun and easy going with these heavy decisions and moral directions.

[stefy05]

Ok so i have aq big problem. me and my boyfriend got into a petty argument last saturday.. in which he left out of town to his brothers house in a nearby state to get his head straight..we decided to take a break meanwhile… the problem is i was so mad i started talking to an old crush.. went over his apartment and we ended up having sex…my boyfriend came back to try and make things up… i told him i only want to be friends for now… i feel so guilty and i dont know whether to tell him or not.. what do i do??? i love him so much.. i do not want to loose him.
I need advice.

[April Masini]

Because you and your boyfriend were on a break when you slept with another man, you don’t have to tell him. What happens when you’re not a couple is your business alone. But you have to remember he may have done the same thing you did.

My suggestion, since it sounds like you want to make things work with your boyfriend, and he with you, is not to bring up your date with the other guy while you were on a break. It’s going to hurt your boyfriend unnecessarily.

I know you feel guilty, but understand that when you’re not a couple, things like that happen. I hope you have smoother sailing from here on in.

[stefy05]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! …

what a relief. to hear that makes me feel wayyy better… i mean i don’t have feelings for this guy and truthfully it made me realize how good i have things with my boyfriend i guess i was pushing him away to feel a little better… but thanks april you have some great advice…

[April Masini]

You’re welcome — I’m always glad when my advice can help! 😀

[stefy05]

Ok so yesterday I go over my boyfriends house for easter. I love his family n they are very cool with me. They treat me as if I’m family. Well I had went over with my younger sister. We were there for a while. One of his cousins is a little older like 29 and she has a teenage daughter. Well I made a comment to her daughter about her clothes such as “you think you’re cute” not in a bad way at all she rolled her eyes and walked away. I didn’t pay her any mind but her mom (my boyfriends cousin) then looks at me and says that I looked at her daughter wrong and that me n my sister maade a face at her. She got mad and walked away. I thought it was really childish and went up to her and said I would never say anything baad but if I had something to say I would tell her. Her attitude made me very upset. So I told my boyfriend to take me home. And we left and as were leaving I felt bad. I didn’t like being accused of it and I told him I didn’t want to go hom. He said ill call u later. Like really? I’m upset and you juss leave me? So I told him that bothered me and I guess his family said something to him and we ended breaking up. He reminded me of my father when he used to leave us for his family. I didn’t expect him to jump at my side but at least comfort me. Well we had broke up before and he would always call me and everythinh. Not this time. I was hurting bad and wanted to stop texting him . Since he wasn’t replying anyway. So I went on facebook and made a page. (We had agreed on neither one having a facebook since it brings drama) . I also felt lonely and started texting my exboyfriend but still no good. I just want my pain to go away. We have a routine and we ride to class together. Well he didn’t pick me up and I didn’t see him at school. I called and txtd him but no response. I just wish I could forget him. Not txt him or call him. He’s the only friend I have and he’s giving me the cold shoulder. We have been thru so much and is crazy this really broke us up for good. How do I get over him?

[stefy05]

update: Ok so he told he he had lost his phone. that he was very upset about the break up and did not want to loose me. now im even more confused than before. i dont like the fact that he owuld not comfort me yesterday and i dont know if im overreacting over this or we should really break up over this. is juss so hard. help!

[April Masini]

In a previous post you’ve already noted that your boyfriend is a momma’s boy who lives with his mother and rather than move into a place just with you, he wants you to move in with him and his mother. Well, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he doesn’t stick up for you in family matters now. He’s already shown you he hasn’t broken away from his family enough to make you number one.

So, if you’re going to date him, you have to understand who you’re dating, and don’t expect him to be someone he’s not. If you don’t like his behavior, and you’ve talked to him about it, then you have to decide whether to stay or to go. This problem isn’t going to go away as long as he’s living with his mother.

What you need to do, since you’re also living with your mother, is to expand [i]your[/i] life and make more friends, get a job, start becoming more independent. When you do you won’t feel so needy of his comfort at a family event where you have a very minor tiff with another of his relatives. The event at Easter in and of itself wasn’t worth all the drama, but I suspect that you have an underlying need to feel independent and important, and you’re not taking care of those needs, so you’re acting out with and on your boyfriend.

Consider your own desires and needs in this scenario, beyond your relationship, and consider expanding your own life and strengthening yourself first and foremost.

[stefy05]

Thanks april . I really love this guy and I was hoping things could work out but now everytime he’s around his cousin or family member he ignores my calls and texts. And if he picks up he doesn’t care wat I have to say . It got me so upset I called him crying saying how it bothered me he couldn’t even txt me to see if he was ok. Then I hung up n nothing no text no call nothing. This is a deal breaker for me since I sense a lot of arguments to come due to his family. I’m so hurt n it sucks but I know this is the only solution. I’m juss sad it came to this. Thanx anyways

[April Masini]

I’m sorry you’re sad. Break ups hurt. However, staying in a relationship that has no future is a far worse option than suffering the pain of a split. So you’re doing the right thing. 🙂

Your boyfriend is clearly putting his family before you, and no matter how much you love him, it’s not enough to make the two of you compatible when his values are so different from yours. In fact, he’s going to have this problem with any woman after you that he dates — but that’s going to be his problem, not yours.

I’m glad you’re not wasting any more time with a man who isn’t Mr. Right, and I wish for you a bright future with smart dating and a wonderful romance with a man you share mutual respect, trust and love with. 😀

[Author]

Posts