[jayeeebee]

hey there!

so here’s my predicament:

this wonderful boy starting talking to me online. I knew right away he was legit and not some bald 44-year-old sexual predator. this boy is everything I’ve wanted: very handsome, smart, witty and funny, athletic, respectful and mature. He is so caring and understanding, and he is very religious, but not crazed about it; he wants to become a youth minister because he loves kids and wants to help them.

we talked for a month, texting, MSNing, MySpace messaging, and it was great… lots of flirting. early on he made very clear he wanted to meet me, and have a serious relationship. he said he won’t date a girl unless she could potentially be his future wife, so I know he’s serious about finding the right girlfriend. he also told me about his two prior relationships and about how hurt he was because both dumped him without much explanation. because of that, he says he really appreciates honesty.

so, we talked a lot and he finally came over one night. we just hung out, listening to music and talking, and there was laughing, hand-holding, cuddling, and before he left, a good five- to 10-minute steamy make out session. I’m talking French kissing, breast-touching and all. it was wonderful. but, we discussed a bit about his two jobs he has for this summer only. first, he’s got an almost full-time job with the local YMCA and I think he may even be a camp staffer, meaning he’s up in some remote reservoir for weeks at a time. he also has a summer internship with his church as a 5th and 6th grade ministry, which I know probably takes up a lot of time too. so, he said that a realistic relationship would be tough right now, and that we should wait through the summer together. he was still very flirty, things are OK. he even said something like, “but just because we’re waiting this thing through… doesn’t mean you can’t send me a few sensual pictures every now and then” (he pretty much has a shrine of me already).

so here’s the thing. I know he’s super busy. at first I tried texting him a bit, messaged him maybe once. I tried to not overdue it and after like two weeks of really no response, I texted him maybe once every couple of weeks or so. I mean, he was checking in online everyday before these two jobs started and as soon as work started he’d only check in for three seconds. now, he’s been on once in the past month. he’s BUSY. but I worry because he hasn’t responded to me at all. I don’t think he’s really talked to anyone, and he told me before how overwhelmed he was trying to balance everything, so I think he could be putting everything besides work (including me) on the back burner (especially since after this summer he won’t have these jobs and will have a lot more free time). because of what I explained earlier (his past relationships, digging honestly, and because he is such a good guy), I really can’t believe he would do something like that. especially since he knows I agreed to wait for the end of the summer (a month from now), and will expect him to come around then. if he had changed his mind, I think he would have told me by now and not keep me hanging for nothing. you know?

whew! so after all of that, I just want you’re opinion on if you think there could be a chance he’s moving on? or does it seem he’s just truly so busy he doesn’t have the time or energy to talk to me? I know he’s the kind of guy who disappears when he’s busy; when we first met and talked quite a bit, he didn’t respond for about a week, and I found out after that it was his finals week at school, and that’s why. sooo… your thoughts?

thanks!
Jenny

[April Masini]

Your friend has made things very clear — I’m not sure why you think this is confusing.

If he doesn’t return your texts or e-mails or phone calls, you’re not enough of a priority for him to spend the time to do so. That doesn’t mean you may not be one day down the line, but for you put all your eggs in the basket of a guy you went out with once is risky dating behavior!

I know you think this guy is amazing, but the reality is you’ve only had one date. It’s really too soon for you to make that kind of judgment. It sounds like he has some great qualities about him, and I think being employed, being interested in a career, and working hard at the career are all assets for any man. But not responding to your attempts for contact or worse, initiating his own, sends a clear message that he’s not that interested right now.

So my advice to you is to play the numbers game in dating. My book, Think & Date Like A Man, which you can buy by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, talks about how important it is to keep dating and putting yourself up to bat so that you have a greater likelihood of hitting a home run in the relationship game. Besides, if you have other dates and other men you’re considering and interested in, you’ll have more choices and a better perspective on what’s available to you. You may find someone just as wonderful who wants to be in contact with you more often. That kind of guy may work better for you.

Some women like being in a relationship with a guy who is so busy and successful that his limited communication isn’t a big deal. Other women would never date such a guy and need more communication to be happy. Right now, this guy isn’t meeting your needs. Don’t fool yourself!

Get out there and date more, and leave the door open if your guy wants to ask you out on a date when he has the time — you’ll either be ready and willing or not.

[ryand1408]

i love this girl that liked me at first. we had a date had a great time kissed alot. a couple of days later another guy ends up on the scene. it turned into some sort of competition between us and none of us won in the end!. i confronted her and asked why cant we be together? and she said ” i do like you , im just afraid that if we try and dont work out im going to lose you”. i didnt know how to take this and i stuck around a month has now passed and she said recently that im her close friend . ive tried to be her friend but the old feelings r still the same and its not for happening . what i dont understand is that she phones me everysingle morning waking me up and wants to spend all her time with me, and now i feel that im pushing her away to protect myself and hopefully move on . truth is i dont want to she is amazing!. am i a complete idiot for ending up in this situation do i still have a chance with her?? please be brutally honest!!.

[April Masini]

Your instincts are right. You know that you want to be romantically involved with her, and not friends. But she’s wanting her cake and to eat it too — in other words, she wants you as a very good friend, but she’s also possibly dating other guys at the same time.

Wrong!!

Your job is to instill boundaries. If she calls you don’t pick up. Instead, call her back on your schedule, and ask her out on a date. Make it very clear that this is a real date and not a couple of pals hanging out. If you have to, say: Would you like to go out on a date with me? Set a time to pick her up. Show up with a single rose or some flowers. Take her to dinner and a movie and kiss her goodnight at the door. Then call her a few days later, and ask her for a second date.

In the meantime, if she says no to the date, hang up, pleasantly. Don’t chat. Don’t text. Don’t e-mail. Ignore her instant messages. Don’t let her set the agenda. You do it. If she tries to talk about it, be firm and clear that you’re interested in her in every way — except as just a friend. And you’re willing to risk it all for her heart.

As long as you go along with her agenda, you’ll end up with what she wants, and not what you want. But if you are the one who sets the agenda and ignores hers, then you’re the man in charge. You may find this to be a complete turn on to her, and something she’s not used to. If she likes you enough to phone you every day, she may be in for the boyfriend to end all boyfriends in you. And if she isn’t interested in someone as fabulous as you, she’s not that great after all.

[Jantina]

There is nothig confusing about this relaitonship. On at least 3 occassions in your note, he has not been honest. e.g how did you find out he did his finals???

There is no excuse for not communicating if everything is ok. I think every girl would love to have the tall dark handsome (rich) and absolutely honest. There is no such thing as perfection. He’s got a kink somewhere in his armour. I think you have found it.

Great one-liners “the girl I go out with I want to view as potential wife” – meaning – I want sex to try you out. Am I cynical – yes. I’m hurt about a lot of things but I am starting to realise as I read these letters, that I am not as bad off as I thought I was. and yes April I am following your advice.Many thank. I hop this person follows your advice as well.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

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