warn a girl she’s about to marry a gay guy?

[Losttexan]

I joined solely to get some opinions on this..it’s been eating me up inside.

I’m a gay guy. I got out of a long term relationship of 7 yrs and met a guy who himself was newly single after 5 yrs. we hit it off great. And he told me his last relationship was with a girl. I seem to attract “straight” guys so I didn’t even put into thought into it. Neither of us wanted anything serious anyway. I figured I’d let him pretend to be whatever he wanted. We’re both completely straight acting. You’d never guess we were gay. I’m 28, he’s 30.

I then found out later he had been sleeping with guys while he was still with his ex girlfriend. I know that because a guy I know slept with him months before I met him and he showed me a video of them.

Small world. The guy didn’t even know I was now hooking up with the same guy. I didn’t say I knew him.

(Lesson: don’t make sex tapes. It’s part of the reason I won’t even send anyone a picture of my junk. Even if my face isn’t in it. Guys will show it. I’m a guy, I show pictures guys send me to other people all the time)

Anyway. Things started to get serious. We both developed feelings. I started spending the night at his place. (Mind you, he lives with his mom and brother). Things were great. He’s everything I could have ever wanted in a guy. He started telling me he wanted to come out. Although his brother and mom already knew, but never said anything to him about it.

Fast forward a few months. He starts becoming distant. He then tells me his ex girlfriend has been coming around and wants to get back together.

I should throw in now that one thing that caused the break up was that she wanted kids and he can’t have any. He’s shooting blanks. Apparently it started a lot of arguments.

He calls me up and tells me he needs to see me and he tells me it looks like they’ll be getting back together. It was the holidays and after 5 yrs together she was integrated into his family and he was being pressured to get back together with her and work things out. At the same time he didn’t want to come out because of that same pressure. We kept talking and hooking up. I told myself I was once in the same situation and know first hand how hard it is. I came out only a few years ago. I wanted to wait until after the holidays to see how things played out.

Fast forward another few weeks and he calls me and says they’re getting married. They’re having a wedding and everything. I was disappointed. It even really faded what I felt for him because I couldn’t believe he was going to do that to the girl. I asked him to really think it through.

I told him he didn’t have to come out, but that he should really brake things off. She wants kids, he can’t give her any. And he’s sleeping with guys at the same time. He has said to me he’s marrying her because it simply the easiest option. He doesn’t have to come out, no one asks questions. I also told him the advise I was giving was coming from a platonic place. That braking up with her didn’t even mean he and I had to get together. And I didn’t want him to brake things off because I was jealous or wanted him for myself. My main argument was that I have sisters, a mom, nieces and cousins just like he did, and I wouldn’t want someone doing that to them.

He says he does feel bad but doesn’t plan on changing his plans.

Now, I know his girlfriends name. I’ve seen her on Facebook. And the few people I have told this too say I should really say something. And as much as I’d like to I don’t feel like its really my place. My friends that I’ve told are girls. They say the hope someone tells them if they’re ever in that situation.

Should I say something? And if so, how? I don’t want the karma and don’t want any trouble. But I really do feel bad for the girl. She has no idea was she’s walking into. This guy never once asked for protection when we had sex. So I have to assume he does the same with other guys right?

At the same time, as a gay guy, one of the worst things someone can do to you is to out you. And I don’t want to do that to him either. If/when he comes out, it should be his choice. I don’t want to out him, just warn the girl. And if she goes ahead and marries him then that’s her problem. Two friends of mine (girls) said they’d send her a message on Facebook warning her. But I asked them not too.

Well??? Help me out..

[dale]

OMG!!! That poor woman. He’s not being upfront that he cannot have children, knowing full well that she wants them. He’s into men, but he’s pretending to be straight, and is marrying this woman with the full intention of seeing guys on the down low, as a married man, because it’s the path of least resistance. In other words, it’s the easiest most convenient for him! He’s a dishonest, selfish, cheat who doesn’t give a damn about the damage he is going to cause this woman who believes she’s about to get married and start a family with a faithful husband.

This is so wrong on so many fronts. Now that you know all of this you have to find a way to warn her, you cannot just look the other way any more than you can look away if you knew someone was beating their wife or molesting a child.

I have sisters and if some lying scumbag [b]knowingly[/b] did this to one of them, I’d beat the crap out of them.

[TooCute]

I agree with dale. you gotta warn her, if he cannot be convinced to do the right thing on his own. he doesn’t have to come out, but he should not marry her. he is intentionally ruining someone else’s life and he is doing it willfully. he has to be stopped.

in my opinion, i think you should try talking to him again and tell him how you would feel if someone did something like this to one of your sisters. maybe he’ll see the light? if he doesn’t, then you gotta to find a way to warn her.

i would hope and pray someone would have the courage to warn me!!!!!!!

[April Masini]

Your ex-boyfriend’s relationship with his girlfriend is none of your business. Don’t say anything to her, and stop being in contact with your ex. There’s nothing in it for you or for him. As for his future with this woman: He’s an adult. She’s an adult. They have a relationship together. You’re probably upset that he’s broken up with you to be with her. Recognize that your motivation for wanting to break them up is probably jealousy — not your concern for the woman. I’m pretty sure she knows what she’s doing, and her decision is hers alone.

Move on, look forward and not backwards, and find someone to date who wants to date you. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url]http://www.facebook.com/april.masini.9[/url][/b]

[Losttexan]

A lot of people bring up the baby thing. He already knows he can’t have kids. She knows that too. She’s choosing to give up on having kids to be with him. Which sucks. I want kids one day and I’d be listed beyond belief if I were giving that up to be with a dude who turned out to be gay the whole time.

Also, I haven’t slept with him since he told me they were engaged and I’ve only talked to him over the phone a few times since. I’m dating and moving on. And we were dating, but he wasn’t my boyfriend. It was never official. He did not brake up with me.

If I’m sympathetic to his side of it only because its not easy coming out. I know what year it is but not only are we in Texas. I’ve had friends who have family tell them to fake it, or that they’d rather they be dead than gay. But I also know what’s right. I came out for the same reason. I got tired of family asking to get married and pushing girls on me. I knew I’d be unfaithful. So I came out. And pretty much everyone stopped talking to me for a few years. But things are fine now. Luckily any girlfriends I had were in the past because i stopped dating all togeer and I never took a girl home. My first girlfriend is actually married to one of my cousins now but very few people even knew she was my girlfriend.

Maybe I don’t want to think of him as such a bad person because I can put myself on both sides. That’s why I’m having a hard time though. I don’t want to out him in the process.

Is April Masini the askapril April? Ask questions, don’t just make up details. It’s very high school.

[April Masini]

[quote]Is April Masini the askapril April? [/quote]

Yes! 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url]http://www.facebook.com/april.masini.9[/url][/b]

[Author]

Posts