[relationshipa1]

Hi April –

Four days ago my boyfriend and I broke up — we had been dating for about 15 months. August has been a busy month for us. Early in the month we met my parents for lunch a few hours a way where they were vacationing. I knew that it wasn’t the most exciting thing to do on a Saturday for a 36 year old guy (I am 32), so I made sure to let him know that if he wasn’t ready/didn’t feel like meeting them that I was ok with it. However, he wanted to go and meet them! We had lunch and everything went really well. I even asked him what he thought and he said, “Well, at first I was really nervous. It can be really nerve-wracking knowing that I might know them for a really long time. I wanted it to go well.” He continued to talk and he said that it was nice meeting them. Then, a week later, his older sister and her family came for a visit and stay at his house. I spent quite a lot of time with them and we all had a great time. I spoke candidly with his sister and we seemed to connect, however she did say something curious to me. She said at one point, “[My brother] was nervous at first because he didn’t think you were as serious in this relationship as he was.” I told her that I wasn’t sure what she was talking about. After his sister had left, I talked to him about that and he said he didn’t know what she was talking about – too many beers for the sister??! Then a week or so later, I went away to visit my home town for about a week. During that time we had called each other often but seemed to keep missing the calls. Phone tag! I had spoken to him on Saturday night and we made plans to hang out with each other on Sunday evening when I got back into town. I got back at 6:30pm and gave him a call. I left a message on his machine to call me back. He didn’t call me until 8:30 – and he said that he was kinda tired and that we should just see each other the next day. I was hurt, but agreed. The next day I got a call from him and he invited me to come to dinner at 6pm. I got there and his friend was there. So, when I got out of the car I felt awkward and offered the guys some wine that I had brought. My boyfriend said sure and his friend declined and said he’d be going soon. I went to open the bottle of wine and brought a glass for my boyfriend and had one for myself. As I walked over to my boyfriend he just sat in his chair and gave me a kiss – didn’t even stand up to hug me. After that, I kinda knew something was going on. The friend left and my guy and I made dinner and hung out – really innocent, no affection. I went home a few hours later, but before I left I told him that we should see each other the next day. I left and the next day I called him. I told him I’d like to see him and that I thought we should talk. He knew what that meant and agreed to come over to my place. So, he came overt and we talked about random work related things for about an hour. Then I said, “I think we need to talk, and I think you do too”. He agreed, and as I got teary-eyed, he said, “I don’t think we are connecting anymore” . We talked and cried for about an hour. He told me that I deserved really great things and a guy that can give me the attention that I want” He said that it wasn’t me, that it was him. He said that he wasn’t sure he could ever really open up to someone. I told him that was really sad and that he would be so lonely without someone in his life to share it with. After some more talking there was about 30 seconds of silence. Then, he burst into tears and just sobbed. I had to get up and go to the restroom to blow my nose and try to compose myself. He just cried and cried. Then, he asked me if he could call me in a few days. I said, “No, that would be torture. You saw what [our female friend] went through when [her boyfriend] called her when they broke up. If you see me in public say hi, but it would be too hard to talk to you….why!” Then, after a few minutes, he stood up and said, “Well, we had some really fun times together,” I didn’t respond (too upset). “At least I did” he said. He broke down sobbing again and I hugged him (even though I was so hurt I didn’t want to). We hugged really hard and true for about a minute and a half and then he said bye. I said bye and he left.

I have been an absolute wreck ever since he left. He hasn’t called (like I asked) and I haven’t called him. I miss him terribly and feel that I should have fought for him and not let him go. I just cry all the time and want him back and want to tell him how amazing he is and how I love him so much. I am now contemplating writing him a letter with all the things I never told him and how I will love him forever. I know this sounds desperate, but I feel I need to put it on the table and let him know how much I do really love him. We can work it out! We live in a very small town on the north Coast of California. I will see him out; it is just a matter of time. I think that I will truly regret not trying for him. What should I do, April??? Should I write the letter or just leave it up to him? I am so sad.

– Magola in Arcata, CA

(sorry so long)

[April Masini]

Break ups hurt. A lot.

It sounds like you did everything right. But the reality is that not every relationship works in the long run. And you can only know and control yourself. It’s not clear what happened, internally, with your boyfriend, but he made a decision to pull away from you after the meetings with your parents. You can guess about the reasons for his distance and wanting to break up, but the bottom line is that he wasn’t ready or able at this time to move forward, and he’s right when he says you deserve so much more.

Your need to reconnect with him and tell him how you feel and try to save the broken relationship is all normal — but don’t do it. It’s not going to change him. Your initial instincts to make a clean break were right. So, write the letter, if you have to, but don’t give it to him. Burn it afterwards.

The good news is that you’re capable of love and deep feelings and that you want a relationship that is long term and monogamous. The other good news is that you only invested eighteen months and not five years at your age with this guy.

It sounds like what you did learn is that meeting the parents escalates things in a relationship. While the parental visits, for reasons you may not ever understand, tanked this relationship, in the right relationship, those visits could accelerate the relationship towards marriage.

In my book, Think & Date Like A Man, I write about how you can know when a man is serious about you. One of the ways is that he wants his family to meet you. A man who’s excited about his girlfriend will want to show her off to the world and make her his. It sounds like your boyfriend may have been avoiding this step because he didn’t want to get to commitment issues with you.

Figure out what you did right and wrong in this relationship and what you’d do differently next time. That’s part of the beauty of dating and being in relationships: you guide yourself towards a goal — hopefully a common goal with your partner — of a monogamous, long term relationship. I would strongly recommend you buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page, then scrolling down to the book and ordering it for $14.95. If you read a chapter a day, the book will hold your hand through this healing time, and prepare you for getting back out there into the dating world and playing the game again, this time with a winning finish. The book is a quick read, but because you’re healing, you may just want to read a chapter a day and savor it. The crux of the book is knowing yourself, what you want in a man, and then I help you navigate the things you don’t and didn’t know about men and the dating world, and get Mr. Right.

You’re going to be fine. You’re going to get through this time of break up sorrow and healing. And you’re going to find someone who feels you’re the prize he was always dreaming of, and would do nothing to jeopardize a relationship with you. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Hi we are not connecting,
April is right you may feel the need to write the letter and let him know how you feel. Write it but keep it for yourself or burn it. It is only going to make you feel worse if you send it , it is unclear why his feelings changed, he is not capable of getting close right now. You will be ok and just tell yourself that over and over. If it was ment to be you would be with him, you do not want to be with someone that you are not sure if he is feeling the same way. You may feel desparate to be with him again but you know in the long run it’s just not working. You will find someone in time. I am in the same situation just broke up a few days ago and I am divorced , even though I know the relationship I just experienced was not going well and I broke it off I am still upset, but I just tell myself and you we will be ok, we will find the right person for us. Good Luck to you, and keep yourself busy and do things you enjoy, in time the pain will ease.

[dymdeva]

Maybe he is Gay? The lover accompanied him to your dinner date to verify there was nothing going on between you to.. and then left after he was secure in that…?

[April Masini]

Wise words from sept211!

[Author]

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