[habibifrancescah]

Dear April,

I have a problem which I am hoping you could help me with.

In December 2009 I met and began a relationship with my former boyfriend. Although we were only together for around 2 and a half months, I would still rate those 10 weeks as the best relationship I have ever had. However, around the 6 week mark he became distant. He wasn’t calling me or communicating via SMS in the same way he had been. Also, he was making little to no effort to meet up with me. Things went on like this for around 1 month until I eventually told him that if things weren’t going to get back to the way they used to be to just put me out of my misery. He then proceeded to end the relationship offering no explanation other than he was ‘extremely stressed’ and ‘couldn’t even deal with himself let alone another person.’

I was extremely distressed following this break up and admittedly I indulged in a lot of ‘text message terrorism’ and ‘drunk dialling’ for 2-3 weeks following him officially ending it. However, time is a great healer and after around a month I began to start feeling A LOT better about the situation.

Around 2 months after the official break up, in late March 2010, I was going about my day to day business when I received a call on my cell phone from a number I did not recognise. I picked up and it was my ex. He wanted to meet with me, even though I was feeling better about things the pain was still quite raw and I missed him tremendously so I agreed.

When we met, things were fine. I kept the conversation mainly to general issues such as how his studies were going, how his family was etc etc. Nothing romantic such as kissing happened on this particular occasion.

This meeting obviously went well as the very next day he called asking to meet me again. I told him that I was leaving for a 3 week trip out of town but to contact me when I got back.

True to his word, the day after I arrived back to the town where we both live he called to arrange to meet. I had arranged to go out clubbing that night for a friend of mines birthday and so I told him we could meet another day if he wanted to. He works as a waiter 3 nights a week and normally doesn’t get away from work till 2am so he told me it was fine he would see me when I got in from the club.

I was very drunk that night by the time he came over. I cant remember exactly what was said but I have a vague recollection of me getting emotional, then him trying to leave and me propositioning him with sex to try and make him stay.

Suffice to say, after this little display I woke up the next morning to a text from him promising to be in touch soon but alas I didn’t hear anything at all from him until a few weeks later when I was in another club with some of my friends and he was in the same club with some of his friends.
This time I played it very aloof and didn’t say much to him at all, as telling him how hurt I was, had obviously got me nowhere so I seen no harm in trying a new course of action.

After I arrived home from the club he began to call me again saying that he was going on a month long vacation the next day and needed to come around and collect a shirt he had left in my apartment. I maintained my cool and kept saying no. This was in June 2010.

I went to my parents home to spend the rest of the summer and didn’t hear from him again until early September.

In early September 2010 I was on a break at work when I received yet another call from an unrecognisable number. I answered and immediately recognised the voice as that of my ex! He said hello and asked how I was, then changed tack and, I believe ,‘pretended’ not to know who he was calling… ‘Who is this?’ etc. I told him it was Francesca, and he ’claimed’ he had lost his old phone and so rang his telephone network and arranged for his call log to be sent out to him, and that he was currently in the process of retracing all of his old contacts off of this log. He finished the conversation by saying that the number he was calling from was his new number and to get in touch with him when I came back to the town where I attend college and where he resides.

Over the next couple of weeks before I went back to college he bombarded me with text messages asking If I would give him ’another chance’. He finally told me that the reason hed left me was because he had met another girl but then apparently she had cheated on him multiple times and they had split up after a month. He messaged me continuously saying how he was sorry, how hed changed, how he didn’t want to mess around anymore, and how I was a good girl that he could trust and that’s what he wants.

I headed back to college for the new semester hopeful that I was now going to have a proper relationship with the man of my dreams.

However, when I arrived back in my college town the reality was very different. From his e-mails, phone calls and SMS’s I had imagined flowers at my door, candlelit dinners, in short I expected him to make an effort to make the relationship work this time. However, he didn’t. We did meet a handful of times but inbetween then we were texting/calling/face booking around once every 4/5 days. I expected more effort on his part as it was him who ended it to begin with, only for him to then decide he wanted ‘another chance.’ I went along with this half hearted effort for a few weeks and then got angry and SMS’d him asking him “what he got out of seeing me as obviously he doesn’t want a relationship or hed make more of an effort” he got angry back and a few coarse words were exchanged.

Shortly after this, I lost my phone and got a new number. I didnt hear A THING from him until I was on facebook minding my own business one day in SEPTEMBER 2011 and a friend request popped up from my former partner.

I left it a few days before accepting him as a friend and expected him to follow the same routine as last time of asking me to give him another chance etc. However, after accepting his friend request I did not hear thing from him for roughly a week when I recieved an inbox message on facebook simply asking how i was , no mention of why he had re-added me on there. I replied to this saying I was good but recieved no reply.

about a week later I was about to go to bed when he instant messaged me via facebook chat and asked for my number. I said i cudnt rememba it off hand right now but would get back to him, he still did not allude to the fact or give any reason for why, after a year of not speaking to each other he had chosen to contact me again.

As promised I messaged him a couple of days later with my phone number. For the next week he rang me and sent general friendly texts.

After this had continued for about a week, he randomly SMS’d me one night to say he was in the area so could he pop around to see me. I agreed to this. He arrived and acted very aloof. He kept mentioning his Facebook and then saying ‘do I have you as a friend on facebook?’ In my opinion he was trying to give the impression that he had never ‘harmed his pride’ if you will by initiating contact as in adding me on facebook. During this meeting he put his hand on my leg because he said he was cold and then used this to randomly OUT OF THE BLUE pin me down and tried to perform a sexual act on me.

I asked him to get off and told him that he wasnt going to get me into bed so if that was what he wanted he wanted there was really no point in us talking. He said it wasn’t ,that he was sorry, and he had misread the signs. He stayed for a while longer and just chatted to me saying stuff like ‘the next time i come round i’ll bring my graduation pictures to show you’ etc etc

Anyways, since he left that day I have not heard a thing from him. A few days after we met up he also deleted his Facebook account.

I was just wondering if you could give me some type of indication as to what his intentions were. To me it seems like this time he was just wanting something sexual, however, on the other hand I think to myself why, after almost after 2 years would he re contact me if that was all he wanted. In any nightclub there are lots of women who are willing to have one night stands so it puzzles me to think why he wouldnt have just gone down that avenue.

So if you could please just let me know what it is you think he wants, and also what course of action I should take should he contact me again? Is he a snake in the grass who I should just avoid at all costs or do you think there are some genuine feelings there are that are worth pursuing

Thanks in advance 🙂

xxx

[April Masini]

You’re right! He is only interested in casual sex on his terms. Your question as to [i]why you[/i], as opposed to other women he may meet in clubs, can be answered: [b]because you were willing[/b] in the past, he figured you’d be willing in the future, and over the 2 years since then, he’s shown only hook up interest in you. No flowers. No romantic dinners. No love letters. Just random connections and some attempts at sex. 🙁

You only dated for 10 weeks, and you said that after 6 weeks, the relationship cooled — and that was two years ago! 😯 You’ve given a distant 6 week relationship way too much energy — and the couple of drunken sex nights had with him where you pretty much blacked out — didn’t help him consider you girlfriend material. 😕 Drunk dialing him or propositioning him with sex as a last resort to his leaving also gave him good reason to think he could consider you a hook up on his time frame.

If you want a man to consider you relationship material, then you have to be the woman you want him to make you. In other words, don’t be a hook up if you want to be a girlfriend or a wife. 😉 I hear you mentioning how you want romance, dinners and flowers — and that’s understandable. But the way to get that is to be alluring and get him to chase you. I know that sounds simplistic, but if you read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right, you’ll get all the tips and advice you need to turn your dating life around. 🙂 I hope you’ll read the book over winter break. It’s only $8.99 and you can buy it on the sites for Barnes & Noble and Amazon as well as on the link I gave you here. Long story short, if he doesn’t chase you or ask you out on real dates where it’s obvious he wants to invest himself in you and a relationship with you, then stop spending time on and with him. He’s not going to be who you want him to be and your commitment to Mr. Wrong will keep you from seeing all the men around you who may actually be right! 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. 😀

[habibifrancescah]

Hey april,

Thanks so much for your response 🙂 I will be sure to check out that book.

I hear what you are saying, I acted foolishly in the past and because I had feelings for him let him use me in a way. But since September 2010 I have not done anything of a sexual nature with him , bar the last occasion when he pinned me down, nor have I gave him the impression that I would be willing to. However, obviously the mistakes I made 2 years ago cant be erased by the way of his opinion he has of me!!

As such, I am just going to ignore him should he contact me from now on. I did think that this was the course of action to take but I was a bit confused so thank you for helping me clarify things.

xxx

[April Masini]

Glad I could help. I can see you get it. 🙂 You’re on the right track for the next relationship. We all make mistakes. Learning from them and adjusting behavior so the next relationship is better as a result of what we’ve learned and changed, is what separates the winners from the losers! You’re on the road to winning. 😀

[MysteryWoman]

April rocks! 😀

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

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