what do i do

[relationshipa1]

Dear April,

this is going to be a long post. My boyfriend the love of my life and first love broke up with my on nye after two and a half years together and I am devastated. He said his heart didnt scream for me but still loves me. From the beginning from the moment we were together lots of bad stuff kept happening I was alomost thrown out of uni i had to move five times in a year fell out massively with some friends in the end i ended up living with him i was working seven days a week. And apparently he hadnt been happy for awhile but never told me, the few times he did tell me we sat down and talked about it and everything was fine. I stopped dressing up and got really depressed and moody and stoppped being the girl he fell in love with. Before christmas he asked for a break but looking back on things he really wasnt into it his heart. And we went through a really rugh time we took a break then I asked for another chance and he said fine but on nye he says all he can see me as is a friend. So I assumed there was still something there. So last night I rang him and asked him why I couldnt get a second chance and then he really explained that he has no feelings he doesnt miss me he wants to see other people because the bad times out wiegh the good times in our relationship.

I know this is all a bit confusing to read but basically we were deeply in love but we met at the wrong time and stuff that was out of our control kept happnening to me he saw me through it and i guess now wants to move on. he says he is emotionally drained and tired and doesnt want to be in relationship with anyone. And I dont either but I still want him and I was thinking if we love each other we could be casual till we work everything out then reignite. but the fact hes telling me has no feelings for me is killing me. When I spoke to him last night I couldnt even breathe and I still asked for a second chance before knowing there were no feelings there.

I told him take his time I want to start from scratch and prove I am the woman he fell in love with once. I figure if we start from scratch just being friends gradually over time once I prove to him my life is back on track maybe hell fall back in love with me???

Hes suppsed to call me later i dont know when. he and i were perfect together and i have never felt this way about anyone he says hes going to see other women and im going to have to compete. i know alot has happened in the past but at the end of the day i know what we had and i know i will never find someone like him.

we spoke for two hours and last night he came to the realisation that alll this is his fault if he had told me how he felt at the time we could have sorted it out. yes i didnt show him how much i appreciated him but we were always happy together.

I dont know Ive got exams but i am a mess. his mom said oh well you might meet someone in six months and marry them and hes like ok which hurts coz just a couple of months ago he was telling his mom i am the one.

i know hes tired and emotionally drained and not happy and if he still felt the way i do i would give it a couple of months and then stay friends with him in the meantime. But because he doesnt feel this way i am scared someone might swoop in and I would lose my chance altogether which seems so unfair!!! Now that i have finally got my life back on track and was beginning to make plans to see him more be there he walks away and i fee like i didnt even get a chance to show him how good a relationship with me could be. there is no more drama i am stable but now hes ready to move on. the two of us have always been a case of bad timing.

Should I procees to start from scratch with the possibility that he might turn around and want to remain to be friends. Or should I give up now.

2011 is all about a new me and i thought i could kill two birds with one stone and show him and me the new me the happier me?

Am I crazy for holding onto him when he has clearly let me go. But I know he is the ONE?

[Anonymous]

Dear what do i do:

You do what all of us have had to do at some time in our past: you move on with your life. Take as much time as you need. Eat as much ice cream as you like. But move forward from this relationship. ➡ Be kind to yourself. But be honest too. This guy is sending very clear signals — his words and actions — that the relationship with you is over. Accept that as gracefully as you can. Give yourself a separation period from him — no calls or texts, no Facebook postings, or ANY other kind of contact. Make plans with your friends and follow-though. Talk to your friends and family and even a counselor if needed. And do something nice just for you every single day. It doesn’t even have to cost anything. It can be putting on your black eyeliner, looking in the mirror and telling yourself how beautiful you really are. And one other thing: you can’t be friends with someone you’ve just broken up with. So really, NO contact right now. The relationship is over, so he isn’t THE ONE. You want to take good care of yourself now so that when THE ONE does appear, you’re ready.

[kitkat620]

here’s what you do. leave him alone. do not call him. do not contact him in any way. he does not want to be with you. and to be honest, he has probably found someone else.
i am being so brutally honest with you because i have gone through many heartaches. and after each break up i also thought ‘i will never find someone like him”, when in reality why would you want to find someone who has hurt you so badly? you will recover. and you will find someone else. you may find a lot of someone else’s. that is life. life does go on. the sun will still rise and so will you. be brave and love yourself first. everything else after that will fall into place. believe me. it will.

[Anonymous]

I hear you guys and my head is telling me this but i have known this guy for four years and when i spoke to him over the phone it sounded like a different person!!! it sounded not like his words but the words of his friends he sounded so angry thats why i thought maybe give him time to cool off. Everything was fine up until christmans when all his friends came to visit and he went to see his family and I think they have probably had some part to play. becuase he always said i told my friends all the things i did for you and they said if tey had a man like that they would have treated him differently. I think i am more pissed that i am given an unfair assessment of me because this relationship has been a two way street.

I am not contacting him anymore because like you have all said he has made it clear it just sounded like another man a very angry man who has the wrong end of the stick.

I am not going to contact him like i said hes supposed to call me but im going to give myself time to move on and when he does call i feel i am going to have to break some home truths to him.

Like he told me his mom was like maybe you could meet another girl in six months and get married but when he mentioned to his mom he was thinking of marrying me she told him you shouldnt think of those things. Like he was just flat out mean he was like i dont even talk to you right now im thinking about talking to some other girl and wanting to be with someone else.

Im sorry that is unneccessary for a break up and I am going to give him some space but I am going to get to say my piece because after four years is this what i get oh youre just some girl. This would be alot easier to understand if it sounded like the guy i knew but I suspect outside influences.

I accidentally deleted him on fb yes accidentally and i sent him a friend request and emailed him to say im sorry and he said he was a bit shocked!!! I was like you cant be that shocked its like he is purposely being mean this isnt like his personality or him. If this was normal or even something I could understand i could. I will accept it and move on but I think I am only going to get closure when I tell him some home truths about himself since he was so keen to tell me about me and things he was just picking at were so stupid like oh you never appreciated me when i gave him massages cooked ironed like just little things. And what i dont get hes still got a picture of us up on fb as his profile pic why not just take it down if youre so keen to be single and free.

I hear the advice and it is good and im not going to hold on to anything but this doesnt feel over i feel like i need to tell him he hasnt found someone else i know but its all too weird.
I think his ego has been inflated a little bit and Ill move on but i dont know

[April Masini]

Wow, you got some great advice from [b]Jamielynn[/b] and [b]Kitkat620[/b]. And it seems like you’ve changed your tune from yesterday’s post of desperation to today’s post of anger.

My advice is to get your closure by writing a letter with all your feelings in it — not giving him a piece of your mind in what will surely be an ugly showdown fueled by anger. You don’t have to mail the letter — you can burn it up or save it, but at least write it to get your feelings out.

For future, you need to understand that the chaos in your life was not attractive to this guy. Unless your life is in order, it’s hard to be available to be in a healthy relationship. You have to respect his reasons for not wanting to be with you — being emotionally drained is not sexy! 😕 And he saw you as someone who drained him emotionally.

Use this breakup to learn how to be more successful next time around. Read Think & Date Like A Man (it’s a nice change from university textbooks!), and understand what it is that men want and how to get them to stay with you! Here’s the link for the book: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

I hope that helps, and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

[Anonymous]

I hear you guys thank you for the advice. I will admit I am in shock I didnt see this coming and he never told me in the build up. What hurts the most is that I am in shock, but I will try my best to move on as best as I can all I know is I never want to feel this way again. Thinking back on my relationship and the two and a half years that we were together and four years I have known him is not worth a second of the week of heartbreak I have been through so far, it just isnt.

Life is way too short to invest so much time and effort in this just to end up where I am and I know sometimes it doesnt end up there but I feel like my heart has been ripped up and its just not worth it.

Thank you guys for all your words of wisdom.

[April Masini]

You sound like you’re having some positive revelations coming out of the pain and I hope you’ll use them for self growth. I do hope you’ll read Think & Date Like A Man, so you DON’T waste time with the wrong guy again. Here’s that link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. 😉

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

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