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Anyone who can help,

I’ve known my girlfriend/ex for only 6 months and we have only been dating for 4, but we got really serious, really quick. I’m 25 and she is 24. We’re both new to the city, but she has her family here (moved here when she was out of state in college) and I do not. She was out of the US for 1 year from July 2009 to July 2010 for a job, which she hated. She had no space, hated the work and felt disrespected by co-workers. We are both in graduate school and since we have known each other, we have pretty much been inseparable, even though she was dating another guy for about a month before we got together (that relationship started after I had met her, but it was a family friend who has been pushed on her for years). As I said, we went really fast, really quick. We have had very little separation from one another because we are at the same school, have the same classes, same friends etc…
She is very, very independent though and about a month and a half ago, she started talking about healthy boundaries. Admittedly I screwed up on that because I didn’t always respect them because I didn’t know how serious she was about them and because even though she thought they were a good idea, we continued to spend a lot of time together.
She was living with her mom, but about 3 weeks ago, she said she needed her space from her, so she moved into my apartment complex. A few days later, I tried to convince her of forgetting about a boundary she had wanted to establish, and then she hit the roof. She said she needed her space because she was feeling suffocated and smothered. I gave her flowers and made her cupcakes and she came around a day later, in part because she felt bad for me. This past week, everything seemed back to normal and all of the sudden she said this isn’t working and it was because I was smothering her and she needed her space.
I was able to get some clarification and she says that she just needs to figure out who she is, outside of her and I. She said that she never hit the reset button when she came back from working overseas. She also says that this isn’t the end of us.
I have treated her very, very well, always with nothing but respect and kindness. All of her friends (which I guess are our mutual friends) are on my side on this one too, and think she is making a big mistake.
I just don’t understand what she is going through and what she really wants. She has never been one to play games and she has always been honest with me. Because of that, I want to believe her, that we aren’t over. But the idea of space, smothering and figuring out who she is, just screams break up and letting me down softly.
Oh, and by the way, we will be on a study abroad trip in Italy together this summer as well, and we were supposed to go traveling together before and after the program. Nothing has been purchased, but the plans are in place. And, she has never been shy about talking about the future and including me as a part of it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I want to be patient and wait for her but I dont know how long she needs and I dont want to be strung along. Maybe she is just scared? Please help

[April Masini]

She’s told you what she really wants — space and boundaries — but you keep asking the same question without listening to her answer. 😕

You may have treated her very well — like a queen, in fact — but that doesn’t mean she’s ready for a relationship in the same way you are. If you continue to try and smother her, after she’s made it crystal clear she doesn’t like that or want it, you’re going to push her away. So first and foremost, discipline yourself to hold back.

Second, understand that she’s just moved out of her mother’s home and into her own place. This is a step towards establishing her own freedom. If you try to tie her up, she’s going to feel like she’s back at her mother’s house instead of tasting her freedom. She’s also relatively young — some women at her age want to settle down, but others don’t. She sounds like the latter. So don’t expect behavior from her that she isn’t capable of. You’ll just be disappointed.

Lastly, if there is a chance that you are her Mr Right, you’re going to have to win her over by giving her space, making yourself more attractive (confidence, confidence, confidence), and when she does agree to spend time with you, make that time count.

I think you should read Date Out of Your League, [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], to gain some tips and advice on winning her over. Tread lightly and be open minded about who she really is. Your first four months of dating have left her feeling smothered, so use any other dating techniques you have (and will learn from Date Out of Your League) to win her from more of a distance. You can do it. 😀

I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url]. 😀

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