What Is He Thinking…?

[Evie]

Maybe I’m stupid or just oblivious, but I don’t know what he’s thinking. Here’s my story.

I’m a 27 years old Canadian, undergraduate student in college here in America. I met a guy last July (2008) at work when I started my new job there. He’s 6 years younger than I am (21), also an undergraduate student in college. I’m Chinese and he’s White. At the time we met, he was having relationship problems with his girlfriend and I had just broken up with my boyfriend a month before (I was completely over my boyfriend by the time I broke up with my boyfriend). I really like this guy and seeing him at work is pretty much the highlight of my day (mind you, I like my job. Seeing him is a bonus).

We started hanging out a lot (and my co-workers noticed that there’s something going on between him and I) and one time we went out for dinner and he paid for the dinner (while I was in the bathroom). He told me that buying dinner was the most he had done for any girl and he had not done that kind of thing before with his exes. We got along really well despite his age. He acts so mature that sometimes my co-workers and I forget that he’s only 21. The next day after the dinner, he sent me a text message (he’s the kind of guy who texts messages more than he uses his cell phone minutes) and told me that he got thinking about the “what if we are more than friends” thing, and he told me he liked me. I texted him back to tell him that I like him too and that the feeling is mutual. However, at the time, he has to deal with his problems with his girlfriend first, so we remained good friends. We’re honest with each other about things.

A few months later, he broke up with his girlfriend. I gave him the time he needed to get over the break up and everything that comes with it. I was there for him when he needed a friend. However, when school/Fall semester started, things got busy so we didn’t get to hang out as much, other than at work and ocassional coffee at Starbucks. Nothing happened between us other than being good friends and co-workers. Later in the semester, I started to wonder what was happening so I decided to talk to him. I’m am a shy person sometimes so it took a lot of nerve for me to talk to him. I think I pretty much laid out all my cards on the table – I told him (or more like remind him perhaps) that I really like him a lot (and perhaps reminded him of the text message) and I would like to try dating and whether or not he would be willing to try. He knows I’m not using him as a rebound guy (from the break up with my boyfriend). He told me he’ll have to think about it. But he hasn’t gotten back to me since then. It’s been a year to the day since we met. We’re still good friends and co-worker, we still hang out (though for most part, I ask if he wants to hang out), play video/computer games which we both like, chat on Facebook/Skype/Twitter.

It confuses me because he complains about dating troubles or dates gone bad and on his twitter and he asks “why is it so hard to find a good girl?”. I would think to myself “here’s one right here all along!”. I care about him a lot, and its hard to tell what he’s thinking. At first I thought it was the 6 year age difference was the problem, but then after talking with my best friend, she told me that if age was a problem, he wouldn’t tell me he liked me at the beginning. Maybe I’m just not the typical American girl who goes out to party and bars. One of my friends/co-worker (who’s a guy) suggested that I should ask him (the guy I like) out (as in ask him out on dates).

I rather have the guy I like a lot tell me that he doesn’t like me that way anymore and just want to be friends. I felt like he left me hanging by not telling me anything or what he thought of what happened between us a year ago when we first met and started hanging out. I still really like him a lot. Is it safe to say that he doesn’t like me that way anymore?

Like I said, maybe I’m just stupid or obivious. IF he doesn’t like me anymore, I would like closure and remain good friends with him. Any advice on what I should do about it? Any advice in general?

[Lizzy_09]

[quote=”Evie”]Maybe I’m just not the typical American girl who goes out to party and bars. One of my friends/co-worker (who’s a guy) suggested that I should ask him (the guy I like) out (as in ask him out on dates).[/quote]

I agree with your friend. Why not ask him out? However, if you wish to make it sound like it’s not a date thing, then ask him this way……..[color=#800080]I was planning to hang-out with friends this week end, though, at the last minute something came up and some of them are not able to make it. I was wondering if your free this week end, we might be able to hang-out together. If that’s alright with you.
[/color] Now, this sounds like your not asking him out for a date. Once your with him, try to figure out where do you really stand with him. Is the feeling still there? Do you both still feel the same way?

But, if he keeps avoiding you. Then I suggest you move on. He might after all, found someone else. This is from my point of view.

[April Masini]

Your friend is sending you a message loud and clear with his actions that he isn’t interested in dating you. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you’re just not getting it. If he wanted to ask you out, he would. You can spend lots of time wondering why he isn’t asking you out, or you can stop wasting your time with someone who’s not boyfriend material right now (boyfriend material is someone who actually asks you out on a date), and make yourself available for men who do want to ask you out.

If you’re still hooked on this guy, you’re not going to be truly available if someone else comes along, so find a way to understand the dating game. You can check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man (it will help you a lot).

Don’t ask this guy out. In fact, don’t ever ask a guy out or tell him you want him to ask you out. Men want to be the prize winners, and that means you have to be the prize they win. If you make yourself too available, he’s not going to feel that you’re special. If he thinks he beat out other guys to get you, he’s going to feel a lot better about himself when he’s with you, and about you.

Check out the link at the top of this page for Dating Advice Books, and buy Think & Date LIke A Man. You are someone who could really benefit from the advice in the book.

[Evie]

Thank you April, for the advice. Much appreciated.

It’s really hard to tell what men are thinking. And harder for me because I never had dating or relationship experience. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 22. In high school I told one guy how I felt, got rejected in the face, and the other guy, I was rejected nicely through IM and we remained friends to this day. I’m scared in general when it comes to dating and relationship stuff. So for me, it was hard to read between the lines or even interpret the signs. Or in other words, I was clueless.

Anyhow, just a few days ago, I found out he has a new girlfriend. I don’t know if he knows that I know he has a girlfriend now, but to me, knowing that he’s seeing someone new and me seeing him at work made me feel somewhat awkward and he’s still normal, being friendly. I feel like he’s a total stranger. I had been avoiding him for the past couple of days. I use to talk to him and his co-worker a lot and talk to him on Facebook but now it’s just saying things like “hi” or “how was your weekend?” at work. Even one of my co-workers (the same co-worker who suggested that I should ask him (the guy I like) out) brought up how he noticed that we (me and the guy I like) haven’t talked much. I told him (my co-worker who’s a guy) about that I found out and that I didn’t understand why (I asked that co-worker, hoping that with him being a guy, he can give me some insights into the male mind) the guy I like the way he did and he offered (I didn’t ask him to) to talk with that guy I like, a “guy heart-to-heart”, to see what that guy is thinking. I was told today by my co-worker that the guy I like doesn’t know what he wants yet (it was relationship stuff that was accidently brought up, and the two guys talked about it but not specifically my case).

I feel it’s somehow difficult to get over the whole thing of what happened between me and him, with him being around at work and I’m not wanting to quit my job just to avoid him. And I hate losing him as a friend (I hate losing any friends. My friends are very important to me). I guess at least the one good thing I want from this whole situation is at least he and I can remain friends if I can’t have him as a boyfriend.

Is giving him the silent treatment (or at least right now it seems like its leading up to it), ignoring him temporarily a good idea to help me get over this? Or would another technique be better?

[April Masini]

Forget about having him as a friend. It’s too complicated, especially because he has a new girlfriend and you see him at work every day. If giving him the silent treatment helps you, then do it. But if you’re doing it only to be punitive and try to get back at him, then don’t. You’re going to have to work really hard to forget about him. Focus on work. Focus on new friends. Join a volunteer group to go to after work so you have somewhere to go and don’t feel sorry for yourself while you’re getting over him.

And since you don’t know a lot about guys, you’d benefit from my book, Think & Date Like A Man. Get it! You can buy it — it’s not expensive! — by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, and ordering the book to be sent to you. It will help you understand how men think and how different they are from women. You’ll have a leg up on dating after you give it a read.

I’m not just trying to push my books — this book will really help you. I promise.

[Author]

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