[relationshipa1]

Dear April,

I dated a man for about 10 months. After years of making myself way too available I did all the right things in the beginning. Didn’t call back right away, didn’t ask him out, kept it light. Didn’t give too much information. Didn’t sleep with him right away. All of it. Then I discover that he is talking to some woman from India and well I said, “Look I don’t know what’s happening there but I am not wanting to further invest with you around us. We said good-bye for now.” She decided on her own, to come to the US to pursue the connection with him.

He sent me emails that he missed me, and all of it. And then I made some mistakes, I told him in the 2.5 months we were apart that I missed him.

Finally she left, they didn’t get together and he finds out I am at a party. Shows up is kind and sweet. And then does this “be sweet, buy me things, take me out” but also backs off. Finally I do the real mistake and on my birthday say “Do you want a romance with me?” He says “Not after last week’s scene” I did get so mad at him for this push/pull that I screamed at him “What do you want from me, you ask me out then you get mad” It was dramatic.

He said that my drama made him know he didn’t want a romance. I said, “Okay I understand and accept it” He then said “for now” And was a bit angry that I ignored his “for now” comment. But I figured it was just him softening the blow. He also said he was sorry I was sad. I did say I was sad that after 11 months of knowing him that I was sad that my dramatic incident blew it.

Anyway, I stopped calling and all of it. He sent me a tiny email the other day and I didn’t respond. So what gives here. Did I really blow it? He did provoke it by buying me a gift, taking me out and then telling me I was unkind. I was so frustrated at the push/pull that I lost it.

Why can men just walk away. It’s so hurtful. Is there any chance that he will become interested again if I stay away?

Confused as hell as to what happened. He was hot/cold, push/pull. Then that’s it. What?

M2

[April Masini]

I know you think you’ve done everything right — but I’m sorry! 🙄 — you only did [i]some[/i] things right! For instance, it’s great that you are practicing the art of allure by not being too available, and not returning calls or e-mails too quickly, but….BUT….if you broke up because he was flirting online with a woman from India during the 10 months you were dating, why would you ask him on your birthday if he wants “a romance” with you? He disrespected you during the relationship, so — what? — you come back and offer him yourself? 😕 That mistake cancels out all the good work you did for the entire year! And then when he declines your invitation, you yelled at him??

Please, please, please go back to my book, Think & Date Like A Man, and re-read it! Here’s the link:
[url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] Download it tonight, and read it this weekend.

I know it’s hard to remember everything, but my method really works! You have to let the guy chase you, and you have to understand you’re the prize. You can’t throw yourself at him. And you can’t get angry enough to scream at him if he declines an invitation. A woman who knows she truly is a prize would laugh at a man who turned her down (not that she’d ask in the first place! 😉 ) because she’d know what a huge mistake he just made.

As for your wanting it to work out with this guy, my question to you is: Why do you even [i]want[/i] a guy who was talking to a woman he’d met online that he only knew from the internet? And why would you want a guy who turned down your invitation to romance? I don’t know what’s so great about this guy that you’re spending so much energy thinking about him.

Before you consider any guy, I think you really need to spend a little time alone without dating to re-read my book (and if you haven’t read it, read it now!) and figuring out why you’re choosing the men you are, and why things haven’t worked out to date. I bet there’s a pattern in there that you can learn from if you’re honest with yourself.

So stop, take a break, read my book, and after you re-group, go back out there and see if there’s a great guy who’s Mr. Right to your grand prize!

[Anonymous]

I suppose this correction doesn’t matter. But firstly, he met this woman long before me, in India. So no it was not on the internet. And secondly, I did not yell at him after he said he didn’t want a romance for now. I said “thanks for finally letting me know” I was quite calm and fine. I yelled at him after he bought me a painting and took me to collect it and then after dinner accused me of being unkind. I yelled at him and said ” if you don’t like me than don’t take me out and buy me a painting, leave me alone”.

And why do we put energy into men that are not ready, now to give us a committed relationship. Because despite our seeming stupidity life is complicated and messy. Things cannot always be boiled down to the basics. I really like you April I do. But our culture is rife with books that say “there is one path to romance” that he will act thus and do thus and if not he’s not that into you. Seems this is for the 1% of men that are ready for a commitment right now. And that suggests we are all bucking for marriage. By the way I am not. I want to spend some time with a man, one on one, and see. Really I don’t have an agenda to marry. For God sake I am over child bearing age and want to share some quality romance with someone be it a month or more. So this guy was asking me out, buying me things, and when we had a nice time would provoke me and pull back.

By the time I asked “do you want a romance” it was a matter of figuring out what the hell he was up to. Now that he declared not now. Then I have stayed away. He finally spelled it out. Sorry but he was confusing and I wanted clarity. Not every conversation is the “Where is this going” like we are all dumb girls bucking for a guy’s heart.

[April Masini]

There are probably many paths to romance, but I’ve found that the philosophies I write about, and my advice as to dating, really do work. In fact, I’ve been happy to take all 3 of your questions to me in the last week and give you my advice for free, and I’m glad you wanted to post here for advice. 😉

I’m sorry you feel that things can’t always “be boiled down to the basics,” but I have to disagree. Not all women are bucking for marriage, but most women are bucking for monogamy. And so are a surprising number of men. Life is not black and white, but there are a lot of baseline consistencies that if you understand, will make your life easier.

It’s simple to lash out at men and the publishing industry and the media and other “dumb girls bucking for a guy’s heart”. It’s a lot harder to take an honest look at [i][b]yourself[/b][/i] and decide that where you’d like to be in life is not where you are right now, and figure out how to get there and then do it.

Believe me — there are lots of ways to live life. I’m here for anyone who wants advice on how to do things differently than they’ve been. 🙂

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