[dazedconfused]

Here is a something I need advise on. My GF and I had been dating for just over 4 years. In early 2009 she decided she was going to go on a 2 month trip to Australia in Sept 2009. At first I didnt agree with it however I accepted it. So fast foward to Sept. She went on this trip and recently returned to break up with me. Her reason for the break up is because she want to be independent, meaning she wants to do things on her own and for herself. She said that she has never done things for herself and she wants to learn that. I questioned her what she meant by that. She said, for example, that if her car broke down, someone would take the responsiblilty to help her get her car running again. Or, she has never actually lived on her own, she wants the challenge of that. When we were talking about being “independent”, I said that people who care about you will go out of their way to help you, like me. What I dont understand though is why now is this happening? Is she still in vacation mode? Does she not want a relationship? What is your advise? Should I move on and get over it? Thanks in advance.

[April Masini]

The reason that this is happening now is that she just got back from a 2 month trip abroad, and had such a good time without you, that she wants to explore her life without you in it. I’m sorry that’s harsh, but when you asked why she wants to break up with you now, that’s the reason. The trip could have been her “test run” for being without you, and she liked what she felt during that 2 months. Or, it could have been that after the 2 months, she realized she wants a different direction in her life.

Arguing with her isn’t going help. She’s made up her mind, and whatever reasons she gives you for the break up, the bottom line is that she wants to be on her own now.

My advice is to accept her actions for what they are, and move on. While it’s hard to move on after a 4 year relationship, the reality is that after 4 years most couples would be engaged or married. Something about your relationship wasn’t moving you in that direction, and she’s decided to move.

You’re going to be fine, after you get over the initial shock of the news, and being single after 4 years of being a couple. There are lots of wonderful women out there who want to be in a relationship with you. Now, it’s your turn to find them. 🙂

[dazedconfused]

Thanks April. However I guess I left some detail out and I guess you can say that there is developments to this.

Firstly, yes 4 years is a long time however, she was in University FT so she knew that I wasn’t going to commit to marriage. In addition, I know that she didn’t want to commit to that either.

I realise that I have to accept her decision at this time however I question why she would be with me basically all weekend with excepition to Saturday night where she when out with her friends. I did receive a 4:00 am text message that night (or Sunday morning)from her to add to the complication, then she stays over the following night. I am totally confused now. I am going to take your advice as that is what I was going to do any how and give her her space to do “her thing”. I know that she misses me and wants to be with me but she wants to be on her own. Time will tell. Thanks once again.

[April Masini]

While you’re not with her, you don’t have to sit in a puddle of “poor me”. 😉

In fact, you can even work on yourself as a gift to you — and a strategy to make her miss you, and possibly get her back. (Living well in all aspects of life, is the best revenge. And if you think revenge sounds too caustic, consider your own evolution as a boyfriend women want and want to “capture”, as a gift to yourself after this 4 year relationship ending.)

In other words, check out my book, Date Out of Your League (since you’ll have some free time without your ex-girlfriend now), here. [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. You can read this book, and become a better man and a better boyfriend. I wrote this book for men who wanted a particular woman (or type of woman) and couldn’t close the deal, so to speak.

If your now ex-girlfriend sees your changes (because that’s what she wants from herself — more independence, evolution and changes), she may reconsider her decision to move on. In fact, she may see you as someone who, like herself, is looking to step up your own game in life experiences.

Lots of time women who are looking for independence look for men who are different in some way from what they’ve been experiencing up to now. Your girlfriend may say she’s looking for independence, but if you’re the one who becomes more interesting — and successful with women, she may realize that sometimes there’s no place like home to look for what you think you want.

Let me know if any of this resonates for you!

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