What to do or say???

[Evie]

I had posted a few days ago. It was approved but didn’t show up in the forum so I figured it might be a glitch in the system.

I have a question first. Seeing that almost all posts here deal with romantic relationships and dating, I was wondering if the forum is strictly that type of relationship or can we ask questions about other types of relationships too like for example, mother-daughter relationship, that sort of thing? Sounds like a stupid question, but the forum said “Relationship Advice Forums” so with that, it sounds somewhat broad.

The second part of this post, I don’t know how to deal with this situation.

I have a good guy friend and we’ve been friends for about a year. We met a year and a half ago in the Fall 2008 semester in college in the U.S. when we were in the same class. He always sat on the opposite side of the classroom. The only time We ever talked when we were in the lab that accompanied the class once a week though we’re not lab partners.

The next semester, Spring 2009, I didn’t see him in any of my classes. I thought he graduated or something. However, the next semester, Fall 2009, he was in one of my classes again taught by our favorite professor. He didn’t graduate. He started talking to me and told me he remembered me (I was always the only Asian person in all my classes and the classes are small so it’s not hard for people and professors to remember me). We started hanging out and help each other in class. During that semester, I had been going through a lot of rough times and he has always been the constant friend that was there, someone to help me and be a friend. As the semesters near its end, he told me that he likes me. I wasn’t too surprised because he’s been acting and doing more than a normal friend would do. He told me he liked me since the first semester we met in class (when he sat on the opposite side of the classroom). I figured he liked me but I had hoped that I was wrong about the hunch.

I asked him why he didn’t do or say anything at the time when he first started liking me. He told me he had a girlfriend at the time (the girlfriend is the same race as me, Chinese. The guy’s caucasian). The next semester (the semester where he wasn’t in any of my classes), they broke up. He then decided to do something about the feelings he had for me. For me, I only liked him as a friend. In my mind, I was not physically attracted to him, but I knew that he has what it takes to be a great boyfriend and is totally boyfriend material. I like that side of him. I know this sounds shallow but I’m not a shallow person. I could not see or picture myself with him in the future together as a couple regardless of whether it’s dating or marriage. I only see us just as friends. I told him that I only liked him as a friend (I didn’t tell him what was on my mind at the time). He accepted that and we just stayed friends, as if nothing has happened. Our friendship didn’t change. The next semester (earlier this year), he seemed fine. Even though we don’t have classes together, we ended up working for our favorite professor in a research lab. He talked the professor into recruiting me into the team due to my research experience and skills since I was rejected by another professor for a research position. Even though we got busy class schedules and hung out less than the previous semester, he appeared to have gotten over me and was fine and we’re still friends.

However, I was wrong about him being over me. Over the summer, as I was packing and having to leave the United States for a while to live with my parents (having graduated and was not accepted into any grad schools yet), I was dealing with a lot, mostly emotionally, having to leave my friends and the place I call home. He dropped the bomb on me and told me that he loves me. He told me that he went from liking me to loving me since March. I was surprised because I thought and he looked like that he was over me. But I don’t feel the same way towards him. He said that he’ll never stop loving me.

I didn’t say anything to him because I didn’t know what to think or what to feel since I was already overwhelmed emotionally with my pending departure at the time and leaving all my friends and the place I loved that I called home. I had been depressed for a time since I found out I had to leave earlier in the year. Thinking of what to say to him was the last thing I wanted to think about. Now that I had time to feel better about things, I feel I still owe him an answer.

He’s a good, and really supportive friend, also being one of the few good/close friends I have left in the United States. I don’t want to lose this friendship but I don’t know how to go about rejecting him for the second time without hurting him too much or make him feel worthless. Some advice would be wonderful. Thank you!

[April Masini]

Rejection isn’t just a bummer. It’s a gift, too. Imagine if you wasted years dating or even just liking someone because you thought there was a chance. What a waste of time, huh? You could have been using that year or two to pursue other people or to even just be open to others. So what you need to understand is that if there is no chance for him with you, it’s much kinder for you to be straight forward with him and allow him to be the man that he is, and handle his own feelings and move on in order to find a girlfriend who does want to be with him.

Ripping a band aid off quickly is a lot better than slowly and excruciatingly tearing little by little by little over time.

I hope that helps.

Please join me on Facebook as well. Here’s that link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

[Evie]

You asked me to post to an old post I was referring to so here it is. Note that it has been sometime because he has been busy and I had been busy dealing with my other issues.

—

I had been friends with a guy from school for about two years. I mentioned this friend in another post before. He was interested in me but I rejected him twice. The first time I rejected him, he seemed okay until I found out months later that he wasn’t over me. I only like him as a friend so when he told me that he loves me, I did what you said April – I rejected him.

At first he seemed okay and said he saw the rejection coming. He said that he was hurt in that I chose my ex (we’re together again in a long-distance relationship that seem to have hit an all-time-low/rock bottom and I love him very much) over him. He wished me good luck. The next day, he told me he couldn’t be friends with me. At first I couldn’t understand why but when I talked to another guy friend of mine, this guy friend said that my friend was smart in doing what he did by ending the friendship. It made sense when he explained why a guy would do that. I guess it’s normal when that happens?

I miss this friendship even though it hasn’t been very long. He has been a good friend and has helped me through some rough times I had during my time at school and it really sucks that he chose not to be friends anymore. Do you think that this is it? Or maybe sometime in the future we will be friends again? For me, he will always be my friend and I do hope that sometime in the future, we will be friends again.

[April Masini]

Thank you for posting your new questions with your old post. Having your history helps me respond to you! 😀

First of all, you’re absolutely welcome to ask about relationships here — as long as they’re between human beings! Family, friendship, romance, etc. It’s all good and I look forward to hearing more from you. 🙂

Second of all, I understand you miss your buddy, but you definitely did the right thing by being clear with him so he could make a decision, too. When you decided you didn’t want to date him, he decided being friends with you wasn’t right for him because he liked you too much and wanted more.

I don’t think he’s going to be interested in you as a friend because it seems from your posts that his feelings for you have always been more than friends and yours haven’t. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to last a lifetime. My advice is to let go and look forward. I’m quite sure you will find other men in your life to befriend and to date.

I hope that helps! 😀

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url]. 😉

[Evie]

Thank you April.

I was asking because I thought there might be chances we might be friends again. When I previously dated another guy (who started the relationship) for a week who decided to go back to being friends, he stayed friends with me and we still are friends. I had hoped that this guy will still want to be friends with me like he did when I rejected him the first time. I guess it takes this second time for him to get the message and stop wasting his time on me.

I was hoping that maybe sometime in the distant future, when he’s married and all, that we might be friends again. But I guess some things just have to be this way and it won’t happen. I guess also this is why the line between friendship and romance is such a, well dangerous area to be in and it’s something that needs to thought about seriously. I hate losing friends.

[April Masini]

It’s really important not to waste your time or anyone else’s when dating. And you’re right: that line between friendship and dating is hard to cross back and forth on. You did the right thing. 😀

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url]. 😀

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