what would you name this?

[desperate12]

Hi April,

Here is my story. It all started when this girl and I met again four years ago. We had affair for three weeks and then she damped me. Reason, she preferred to stay with her date. What could I do? I simply put my life aside to come to her hoping to marry her and have family with her. She knew that, but she refused me. She offered me her younger sister if I would be interested. But I refused this offer reminding her about our affair. She said that was not an affair at all. She said she would have behaved just like that with any man next to her if she were having a glass of wine. That was unbelievable. I tried for a while to convince her but when it didn’t work I stopped bothering her. Unfortunately, my love for her was growing by the day. I tried to go away but I always find myself beside her. As she told me later she was pulling me to her when she felt that I was going away. And when I get closer, she pushed me away with all kinds degrading words and accusing me for all problems. This continued for three years. After three years, I was completely out of my mind. How can one control someone’s mind like that? All I could think was how I would spend some time with her without being sent home devastated. That became my daily worry. I was not feeling the pain of the abuse. On top of that she was telling me about her affairs or dates. Don’t ask me how I could stand all this. That was killing me, but I didn’t show her any reactions. If I did, I knew she would get mad and wouldn’t let me come close her anymore. I didn’t want that to happen. Three years like that. I couldn’t even start a relation with another girl. I always hoped that one day she would see me and my true love. I always hoped that one day she would need a more serious relation. And one day she told me that she had a fiancé. What? Yes, that’s it. She had him even before we met three years ago. That was end of the world to me. All of a sudden, I started to feel the pain of all the abuse and insult during the past three years. That was too much to stand. Her older sister, who saw and knew everything, observed that I was not behaving like myself and approached me to help. She also asked me to be with their younger sister, which I refused again for the same reason. But I end up sleeping with this sister. It just happened like that. Later (the next day) the sister told me that she offered me her body because (i) she felt sorry for me and (ii) she was lonely and needed someone, so if we got involved like that it would be a win-win for both of us. Do you have a word or phrase to name this? This was way too much. I am so sorry. My miserable life continued with a lot of pain. Six months passed. Can you believe me if I tell you that I was still loving this girl? And she came back. Yes, she came back to me. This was second part of the nightmare. There were a lot of questions to be answered. Her fiancé, the sister, even our relation? I was not sure if I should tell her about my sleeping with her sister since we were not sure about our relation. After a while, I told her about the sister. That was unspeakable what happened. Anyway, she decided to be with me. We talked about everything and anything that happened in our past. We apologized to each other and agreed not to raise anything from our past. We both were really very sorry. Her fiancé couldn’t come to her. So, we agreed to get married. We rented an apartment and started life new. Our love was sweet and seemed would last forever. Three months passed. I thought the misery was over but it just started. She was getting mad more and more everyday about her sister. Whatever wrong the sister did, she took it as if the sister did it purposely to annoy her. When she got angry, she accused me for betraying her, for going over her to her sister. I admitted that I made by any measure the worst mistake that can be done. I am always living in sorrow and pain because of this mistake. But her accusing me for betraying her to go to her sister over her was too painful. I begged her to forgive me. But she started to distance herself from me. She hated me, her sister and herself. And finally she left me. Now I am feeling guilty for her feeling like that. I don’t know what I should do. Please advice me.

[April Masini]

You’re very invested in your feelings, and you have a lot of them! 😉 I’m not sure how old you are, and that would be helpful to know, so guessing you’re in your early 20s, my advice is that you move on with your life.

I know you’re heartbroken that this woman has rejected you over and over again, and that you feel guilty for sleeping with her sister, but the reality is that this woman is very dramatic and not ready (clearly) for marriage. She sleeps with lots of men, as she puts it: as if she were drinking glasses of wine. She doesn’t take relationships as seriously as she does acting on her emotions. And neither do you. 😳 This is probably a new concept to you.

Having an emotion or a feeling does not mean you have to act on it. You can desire a woman without dating her or sleeping with her. You can recognize, as you gain maturity, that someone with whom you have sparks, isn’t a woman who necessarily will be faithful to you or will want the same kind of life you do.

Finding Ms. Right requires a lot of analysis of yourself and the women you consider. I hope you don’t spend three years mourning this relationship the way you did already once. It’s not worth it. I think you should get out in the world and take care of yourself, and look for a woman who is compatible with you — that means one who wants the same things in life that you do at the same time. I know you can’t have everything — but this woman gave you very little except for a few months you lived together and three weeks four years ago when you dated. You can do better. I promise. 😀

[Anonymous]

Thank you April. It is true that we both are very emotional. I will take your word and will work on moving on.

Thank you again.

[April Masini]

Good luck — and check in with me on Facebook. I have a new group page for AskApril.com on Facebook, and you can become a free member and connect with me and others at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url].

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