[Diana]

I am a married woman who has been pursued by a man with whom I had a relationship with in college, over 20 years ago. He has contacted me three times (two/three years in between contacts) since I’ve been married. He knows I’m married and he is married too. These first three times, I cut him off – no contact, no reason given for no contact, because my husband was concerned with the type of relationship we were having and wanted me to end it. However, he contacted me a fourth time, and we fell right back to where we were before. We’ve texted, phone conversations (that were mostly regular conversations, but some conversations had a definite sexual nature)

He has expressed a definite interested in hooking up. I admit that I am interested (yes, I know that I’m married, which makes this interest very, very difficult for me to deal with). Yes, it’s a mess. Truly. I know. He has indicated to me that if we ever got together, he wants it to be an ongoing thing. We live about six hours apart, but he has family that lives about two hours from where I live, that he visits about every two months or so.

The last time I actually spoke to him we had a regular conversation about life, news etc. Now, I’ve sent him several emails and texts – nothing. Finally I pushed the button and asked directly – Did I do something and was the relationship over?. I got a reply that said no (I didn’t do anything wrong), that he was having a rough couple of days/weeks.

My question is what is going on with him? We have not seen each other in 20 years, but the attraction – by what he tells me and how I feel is very strong. I miss talking to him. This is not a love match by any means so it’s not like we’re planning to leave our marriages for each other. I like him, like talking to him and he’s given me pretty clear eyed advice on a LOT of things that have really helped. I’ve made a lot of good changes in my life since I’ve started talking to him again.

I don’t know why he’s cut me off like this, besides that one text. If I’m being kicked to the curb, I really want to know. However, it is in his nature to withdraw every once in a while and of course, the overarching question is why am I so worried about this, since we’re both married?? I’m confused and bothered. To be honest, I don’t want to end it, at least not right now.

Any advice would be welcome.

[April Masini]

Your questions about this guy are misguided. What you should really be asking is, “What’s going on with [i]you?[/i]” Not him! It sounds like this guy from your past has popped up out of the blue and sparked your interest in cheating on your husband. It really doesn’t sound like you’ve been carrying a torch for a long lost love — or that you’re interested in leaving your husband for this potential affair. So the question becomes, since it’s not really about this guy, what’s going on in [i]your[/i] life that is making [i]you[/i] want to stray from your husband — a man that you’re not even interested in leaving?

My sense is that you’re bored. You’re probably bored in your marriage, and possibly in the rest of your life, too. This happens. But let’s address boredom in marriage. When cliches about marriage being hard work pop up, it’s because they’re hard work to maintain for many people. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut, let yourself go, and forget to be the temptress you were when you lured your husband during your dating days. Since you do seem interested in keeping your marriage in tact, I’d forget about this guy who’s obviously playing you — and probably other women at the same time — and focus on how to put the sizzle back in your bedroom with your husband. I think it’s a much more valuable use of your time and energy. This guy from your past is looking for something easy on the side, and he’s going to disappoint you big time if you do get involved, so feel free to get together with him — with your husband, for drinks or dinner with this guy’s wife, as well. Double dating is fine. Anything else, no go.

Now, back to your marriage, which is where your problem lies. I’ve written this great book called Romantic Date Ideas that married couples seem to like a lot. It gives you ideas on how to set up romantic and very sexy situations that can set the scene for re-charging your sex life. I wrote this book in response to reader questions just like yours — so know that you’re not alone in this problem.

Get my book (you can order it online by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above and scrolling down the page), and start focusing on feeling sexy and behaving sexually towards your husband. If you spend that pent up energy on the man you’ve already committed to and whom you don’t want to leave, you’ll be very happy with the results. But if you waste your energy on this guy from your past who’s using you for some (very) cheap thrills, you’re going to be hurt, and you run the risk of wrecking two families — his and yours.

So, do the right thing. Get my book, Romantic Date Ideas — you can order it online for $14.95, download it, and start reading it this weekend! And focus on being not just the same old, same old wife you’ve been for the last several years, but the alluring woman you’ve forgotten you are.

Here’s the link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]

And let me know how it goes.

Good luck!

[Author]

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