When do you know you should marry someone?

[dazed and confused]

Hi,

I have been dating a guy for 4 years. Right after a year of our relationship I proposed to him and he accepted. My BF/Fiance is very sweet. He helps around the house, goes with me to my parent’s home despite knowing my mom does not like him, takes care of me when I am ill, etc. and I do the same for him. My concern comes around 3 main issues. 1)Sex (lack there of) 2)Finacial independence of my fiance 3) No engagement ring after 3 year
As time has passed these items in our relationship have concerned me and I am looking for advice on if I am being reasonable.

For the first issue (Sex), I have always had more physical drive than my fiance which I am fine with. In the beginning we might have been intimate a few times in a month. As time has passed we went from some sex to none. He goes months (5-8 months) without ever wanting to have sex. At first I took it personally because I felt me might have lost his interest in me as he would occassionally look at porn and gratify his urges. He assured me it wasn’t that he lost interest in me. Then I assumed it might be a medical problem and asked him to go to the dr. and he said he would…but never followed through. He says he is not in the mood, that he is tired, etc. I understand not being sexual every day…but I do not think I am out of line with wanting some sexual contact from my fiance. After all…he is only 28.

The second issue is financial independence. I have always been very ambitious and worked my way up to a really great job. My fiance took a long time to get his associates degree (which he said was because he did not have the money to go all at once) which I could understand. After getting out of school he has done nothing with his degree and said he doesn’t want to go back to school for something he may not want to do for the rest of his life. I can even understand this. I supported him financially when he was in school (food, clothes, shelter, etc.), I supported him with his inconsistant johs/pay, and he finally got a job where he does contribute a portion to the household expenses. I am fine with him not contributing the whole amount but I really want him to persue a career path that will make him fully financially independent from me. I have a lot of health problems and if one day we have kids and I can’t work…what will happen? Loose the house? Loose a lifetime of things we built?

Finally, the last issue that bugs me is that he has not given me an engagement ring after 3 years. I didn’t even ask for anything that was expensive. The issue was more about him commiting like I did to him than the ring itself. He could afford games, video game systems, etc…but when it came to $50 ring…he said that he wanted to save up for a nice one but still… don’t have anything.

All of these items make me wonder if I am being played for a fool.

Any thoughts?

[April Masini]

Clearly this guy is not marriage material, and you should never have proposed to him. 😕 The reason is that in order to get a guy who’s going to be the man in the relationship you have to let him be the man. You took that opportunity away from him, and I think the reason you did so is that deep down you knew he’d never propose on his own and you cared more about getting engaged than in having a healthy relationship and a good marriage. 🙁 So you found a warm body with a pulse, got him to say yes to your proposal, and now expect some magic wand to turn him into someone he’s not! Wake up!! This isn’t a dream. It’s real life.

I’m sorry that this is harsh, but you’re really pulling the wool over your own eyes. He’s not that interested in being married to you, and if you’d waited for him to propose, you would have learned that yourself by the absence of his proposal. That you are disappointed he hasn’t spent even $50 on an engagement rings since your proposal 3 years ago is ludicrous. Of course he’s not going to buy you a ring — he doesn’t want to get married, let alone get a job or have sex with you.

Look — it’s very kind that he takes care of you when you’re sick, and he should get props for that — and maybe even job as a nursing aide in a professional facility — but the fact that a 28 year old man doesn’t have a job, doesn’t look for a job, allows his girlfriend to support him while he gets his college degree then doesn’t get a job (not even in Starbucks) to pay her back after he graduates, has no sex with her in spite of her desire, won’t go to the doctor to see if there’s something wrong with him that’s causing him not to have sex with her in spite of her reasonable request, but does masturbate to porn — and you think he’d be a good husband? 🙄 He’s not even a good boyfriend. This guy is a loser.

I’m shocked that you’re even asking me these questions because the answers seem so obvious, but here goes:

“What if one day you have kids and can’t work, what will happen?” You’ll go bankrupt.
“Will you lose the house?” Yes.
“Will you lose a lifetime of things “we” built?” Yes.

C’mon….you know these answers. The real question you’re not asking me is why do you spend any time, let alone these last 4 years, with this man at all? Seriously. What is it about you that thinks you don’t deserve better — because you can pretty much throw a pebble in the mall, blindfolded, and hit a guy who’s better than this without even looking for one!

Clearly you want to be married, have a home and raise children. Why not invest your energy in someone who can help you achieve this life together, who wants it just as much as you do, and works towards this goal with you? Your fiance may be nice when you’re sick, but he’s not respectful of you, your dreams, your wishes and he’s lazy. He isn’t pursuing a career, and probably won’t. So it’s time for you to move on. This guy is not Mr. Right.

I hope that helps — even if it is hard to hear. I do wish you luck. Let me know how things go.

[arekwhite]

today the most of peoples thinks to live in relationship..if you are a 21 years old or if you have the strong feelings towards the girls then you may be marry with your girlfriend or someone…

[April Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you? 😉

[Author]

Posts