When to call it quits

[confused]

Hey April,

I really need your professional advice. Let me give you some background on my relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve been dating and living together for almost 6 1/2 years now. His twin brother has lived with us the whole time we’ve been living together. I’m 26 years old and my boyfriend is 28 years old. The problem is that I’m at that age where I’m ready to start settling down. I’d be happy to just have a place of our own. Maybe get married one day and have kids. Currently he’s been hanging out with his friends at least 3 times a week at our house. They all hang out in his brothers room all night. I feel very lonely and hurt that he’d rather hang out with his friends all the time. Maybe I’m overreacting. It’s completely normal to still hang out with your friends when you’re in a relationship. I hang out with my friends maybe once a week. I just think he’s hanging out too much and ditching me all the time. I always tell him that he’s almost 30 years old and it’s time for him to grow up. He thinks that it’s normal to hang out with friends this often and that it’s boring just to come home after work, eat dinner, and just relax for the rest of the night. I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to him to help the situation. I thought maybe having our own place would help, but now I’m not sure. Another problem I have is that I found out a little over a year ago that he’s been using cocaine. When I found this out I was devastated. I’m the complete opposite of him. I’ve never used drugs in my life and I only drink socially. And when I do drink socially, I don’t drink much at all. I hate the fact that he uses cocaine. He knows I don’t like it, but he keeps telling me that he’ll stop using it one day and that it’s not that big of a deal because he doesn’t do it that often. I don’t care how often he does it; I don’t want him doing it at all. I’ll bet you that’s what him and his friends are doing when they’re hanging out in his brother’s room all night. So I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend is VERY stubborn. Ultimatums do not work on him. I don’t know if I should stay with him and figure out how to get through to him some how. Or should I move out, but still date him that way he can see how great he had it with me there? Or should I suggest we take a “break”? Or just end the relationship all the way?

[April Masini]

The problem here is that you are the one who moved in with your boyfriend [i]and[/i] his brother. You’ve already agreed and condoned this roommate situation rather than a romantic couple living together. So the scene was set for a frat house lifestyle when you agreed to move in with both your boyfriend and his twin.

Since you’ve already made things very clear to your boyfriend about what you want in terms of your living situation, and he’s not willing to do it, you have to be the one to make the decisions that will govern your life. You can’t press him into something he doesn’t want to do, and clearly, he’s not ready to get married.

If you move out, which I would advise, you should move out with a fresh start in mind. You deserve a guy who’s going to want the same lifestyle you do. You’ve spent way too long committed to this frat house lifestyle. It’s time for you to get what you want in your life. Understand that your current boyfriend doesn’t want the sane thing you do, and that to get what you want, you have to move on. If you don’t, you’re going to get more and more angry at yourself, and take it out on your boyfriend. He’s being clear. Now the ball’s in your court. Make your move. 😉

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