[scarlett75]

I feel like I am finally in a healthy and loving relationship. After years of rocky relationships, including a miserable 3-year marriage to a very controlling man, I feel like I am with the love of my life. My boyfriend and I have been dating since May of this year but it isn’t the first time we dated. 8 years ago we dated for about a 1 1/2 years when I was 26 and he was 23. At the time, we were both emotionally insecure kids, addicted to drama, and not ready for a long-term relationship. We loved each other very much but it was bad timing on so many levels.

With my divorced finalized in January, I began a self-destructive period of behavior where I was hooking up with many different men. I was acting like I was in my twenties again, taking men home from bars, meeting them on the Internet, having drunken casual encounters that only made me feel cheap and dirty the next morning. I was so happy about getting out of my rotten marriage that I just went wild and it was kind of therapeutic at first but like all destructive behavior, the payoff wasn’t working for me anymore and I knew the behavior would need to stop if I wanted to feel good about myself again.

At about this time my sweetheart came back into my life via Facebook. After the “what have you been up to” e-mails we decided to get together for a date. I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a date go so well. Obviously, we knew each other so there wasn’t any awkward “getting to know you” stuff. I felt like we had picked up where we left off. We started seeing each other more and more. Texting each other every day and spending weekends together. We make love and hold each other when we’re done for what seems like hours. I have never felt such closeness with anyone before and it’s always so special when I’m with him. I’m deeply in love with him.

So, it’s been about six months and things are running very smoothly still. The initial “gaa gaa” feelings have faded but our love and commitment to each other is still strong. The awesome thing is that we both grew up a lot in the time we were apart. We don’t fight over stupid things like jealousy and we both understand that it isn’t right for one of us to try and control the other (like we had done so often in the past.) The drama level is low and when conflicts arise, we work through them like adults. I guess that’s what happens when you grow up, you start acting like an adult.

I guess the problem is with me. I have a core group of girlfriends that I go out with at least twice a month on Fridays. It’s not “girls only” by any means. We usually invite our boyfriends/husbands out with us and some of them come sometimes and some of them don’t. My boyfriend has come out a couple of times with us but has declined invitations the last couple of months. This doesn’t bother me at all and it doesn’t bother him that I go out without him because we trust each other. This particular group of friends are work people and I can see where significant others could get bored when the conversation eventually turns work-related. I’ve had no problem turning down advances that always come from men in bars. I simply wasn’t interested. However, this last weekend I made a mess of things.

Long story short, I ended up making out with one guy and performing oral sex on another guy two days later. Why? Was alcohol involved? Yes. But I’ve had too much to drink before and had no problem turning advances down from men. I admit I am a very independent person and I enjoy my “alone” time. I have a pattern of getting bored in relationships and have to catch my wandering eye when I’m in them. Is it low self-esteem? Am I seeking attention from other men to feel better about myself? It hasn’t made me feel better about myself. I feel horrible for being so weak and I’m completely ashamed of my behavior. Was I bored? Was I rebelling? Why would I sabotage the best relationship I’ve ever had?

I haven’t told my boyfriend about this. I figured I could just sweep it under the rug and not make the same mistake again. That’s probably the wrong choice but I’ve never been in this situation before. I’ve always been loyal in all of my long-term relationships. Even my rotten marriage. If the tables were turned, I’m not sure I would want him to tell me. People make mistakes and sometimes things happen when too much alcohol is involved. And God knows that monogamy is a great thing but hard for most people to practice their entire lives. I would understand that if it happened to him and I don’t believe that I would be angry as long as intercourse didn’t happen. For me, intercourse is so much more personal then what happened with these two stupid boys.

He means a lot to me and I need to do the right thing here. Obviously, stop putting myself in these types of situations. It would also be helpful to understand what motivated me to make these poor choices? Thanks for any of your thoughts and advice.

[April Masini]

Well, first of all, get the idea out of your head that just because you didn’t have intercourse you didn’t cheat. Making out with a man who isn’t your boyfriend is cheating, and performing oral sex on a man who isn’t your boyfriend is definitely cheating, too. So don’t trick yourself into thinking that just because there wasn’t penetration you’re home scott free. Cheating is cheating, so let’s call it what it is.

The fact that you made out with a guy who wasn’t your boyfriend — and then 2 days later, rather than be stricken with remorse for having cheated, you performed oral sex on another guy, is of concern. Sometimes people slip up once, and feel really awful about what they’ve done, and decide whether it’s something that they want to deal with or not. But what is of concern that you made out with a guy, and then, as if on a roll, you had sex with a completely different man only two days later.

I can’t tell you WHY you’re doing what you’re doing based on your post, but I can tell you that unless you stop doing it, you’re going to hurt yourself and your boyfriend, and probably other men who think your affection is a sign of more than just sex — and maybe their girlfriends, too. But, I think you and I are in agreement that this behavior isn’t healthy. It appears from your post that this is the only time you’ve ever cheated, but again, the fact that you weren’t upset after making out with the first guy — enough to stop, is of concern. That you went on to cheat with guy #2 without hesitation, is what’s problematic.

Your choices are to continue this behavior or stop it. You’re certainly old enough, intelligent enough and cognizant enough to stop on your own without my help. So decide how you want to live the rest of your life and then act on that conviction. If I were you, I’d stop the alcohol as a preventative measure — even if you don’t think alcohol played a part in your behavior. If you care about your boyfriend and really don’t want to cheat again, you need to take the cheating seriously enough to change your ways.

You and your boyfriend appear to have been dating 7 months this go-round, and if you want to marry him and have a long term monogamous relationship with him, it’s better if he hears about your behavior from yourself rather than finds out about it elsewhere. But if this is your subconscious way of wanting to end the relationship but not having the nerve to do it forthright, then you should really deal with that issue and face the music rather than play out your feelings in a passive aggressive way.

I hope that this helps. Let me know how things go, and good luck!

[scarlett75]

Thanks April. You are absolutely right about the cheating. It [i]is[/i] what [i]it[/i] is no matter how I try and justify it in my mind. I guess I need to figure out why the first incident wasn’t enough of a wake up call (duh right? 🙄 ) and also why I so nonchalantly put myself in another situation where I cheated [i]again[/i], just a mere two days later.

Your thoughts on my behavior possibly being a subconscious thought playing out in a passive aggressive way are interesting. I need to explore that more and make sure that he really is the one I want to be with on a long term basis. There are things that bother me about my boyfriend and some of those concerns go way back to the first time we dated. They aren’t deal breakers and I’m being very careful to not be co-dependent with him but it’s possible I was rebelling in some messed up way. I’m going to mull that over before I talk to him about what happened. After he hears what I did, it may not be my choice anymore anyway. What a mess I’ve created for myself. Sigh. I probably need to stop drinking for awhile too. Both of the occasions where I cheated were in drunken bar situations. If I had stayed sober, I don’t believe I would’ve done what I did.

Thanks again for your help. This is a wonderful service that you offer people. I really didn’t know who to talk to about this. I felt too ashamed to talk to my friends. Hopefully things will work out for the best.

[scarlett75]

Thanks April. You are absolutely right about the cheating. It [i]is[/i] what it [i]is[/i] no matter how I try to justify what happened in my mind. I guess I need to figure out why the first incident didn’t cause the type of remorse one would expect, (duh right? 🙄) and why it would immediately escalate into another bad situation just a mere two days later.

Your thoughts on my subconscious feelings playing out in a passive aggressive way are interesting and something I had not considered before. There are things that bother me about my boyfriend and some of those things go way back to the first time we were together. I’ve been hesitant to communicate any of these concerns because one, I don’t want to be co-dependent with him (like I was in the past) and two, because I didn’t want to rock the boat. We have a good thing going and the issues I have with him are not deal breakers, yet.

I guess I need to figure out if he is really the one that I want to be with long term. In the meantime, I probably need to stay away from alcohol. Both situations took place in a drunken haze. I doubt I would’ve found myself in either situation if I had been sober.

Thanks again for your help. I didn’t want to talk to my friends about this. This is a great service that you provide people. What a mess I’ve created. Sigh. Hopefully my boyfriend can forgive me.

[April Masini]

Thank you for your kind words and I’m glad I was able to help! 🙂

You sound like you’ve got your head on your shoulders now, and you’re going to do what’s necessary. Although you may feel like you’ve created a mess, you have the tools to move through that mess, and regardless of the outcome, you’ll be able to create a life for yourself that includes a healthy and loving romantic relationship….when you’re ready and with the right guy.

Let me know how things go — and good luck! 😀

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