The loss of a child is tragic. It’s also a tremendous strain on the parents of the deceased child and the extended family. People deal with the loss of a child in different ways, and anger and fighting are two of those ways. It is normal and unfortunate with parents are so grief stricken that they take out their fear and grief by fighting with each other. I can try and help you.
First of all, you have to find a way to express your grief — and before you can express it, you have to feel it and know it’s there. Something real and terrible happened to you, and to ignore or repress the feelings surrounding the death, won’t help heal you. Every day you have to check in with yourself. Allow yourself to cry and to feel terrible. You don’t have to hide your feelings, but you do have to find places where you can appropriately express them. Some of those places are with a friend who will listen and give you hugs and companionship. A relative can also offer that support. You can find support groups for bereaved parents of deceased children. Start with your local hospital and ask for help there. There are chat groups, counselors, clergy and medical doctors — all of whom can offer you support. But you have to ask for it.
Inappropriate places to express your grief are your office place or with people who are not able, for whatever reason, to hear your problems or to help you with them. Sometimes it takes their bad behavior or advice for you to realize that they aren’t really bad people — they just aren’t capable or prepared at this moment, to help you or hear from you on this subject.
Sometimes your fiance will be a place for you to share your feelings of sadness, loss and even guilt over what happened with your daughter, but she shouldn’t be the only place you go for support. The reason is that she is processing her own feelings, and therefore, she wants to be intimate with you, but she can’t be your only and whole support at this time. It’s too much for her.
At the same time, you can’t be the only support she has. It’s too much for you. Fighting will break out easily if either one of you is pushed too far emotionally by each other or someone or some thought about your daughter. So try and be kind, gentle and understanding of each other at this time. If she starts to pick a fight with you, and you can’t diffuse the fight, walk away. Come back later and hug her and tell her you love her, but try not to fight with her.
I don’t know the circumstances of your daughter’s death, but there is a great, old movie called Ordinary People, that you might want to watch. It will be painful, but it might give you insight into another story of a family rocked by the death of a child. You may recognize behavior, and you may see dynamics that you want to avoid or behavior you want to change in yourself. Marriages and families break apart over this kind of stress, so be kind to yourself and each other.
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