Why do I turn into someone I am not…

[relationshipa1]

I can never keep a long story short… So Im sorry this is so long and oh my gosh!

So after an unsuccessful marriage that lasted 4 years too long, left me as an independent single mom with a guard up and chip on her shoulder for any man that came close to my heart that wasn’t my son. I’ve spent the last 2 years focusing on myself and my son, I’ve dated around but never took anyone too seriously because I was on a mission to love myself before I love another man… and plus I already cater and cook and clean for one little boy, I was in no rush to wipe a man’s ass for him too.

So basically in the 2 years of not being in a relationship and forgetting how to be or where to start as a girlfriend, I learned a lot about myself. I have a sarcastic sence of humor that mostly consists of stating the facts and truths that people are afraid to state themselves. I find humor and laughter in eery situation. I learned that doing my hair and make-up the correct way and wearing it with the right outfit for which ever occassion I am attending can basically get me anything I need, a job, a free drink, a discount, a contract, a date, ect… I come off energetic and ‘out there’ but Im entertaining and confident and people are drawn to me. So I haven’t had a problem finding a man, I had a problem getting rid of them. BUT THATS NOT WHY I AM SEEKING ADVICE..

A year ago this man gave me his card that I shoved in my purse which eventually ended up in the trash. A month after that I ran into this guy again who once again made an attempt to get my attention. I chatted for a minute and left him hanging again. A month after the second encounter I was out to dinner on a “date” with some random guy and I saw this man AGAIN sitting at the bar with his friends. He actually came over to my table while Im on my date and asks for my number explaining that he has attempted to give me his through all the other times we have met and wont stop until he gets mine especially since we keep running into each other.
Im totally intrigued and fascinated with this man’s persuit to date me. He wasn’t even my type look wise. But approaching me while Im on another date showed a lot of confidence, so I gave him my number. He didn’t know much about me, just from the impressions he got by seeing me around town. He had to know I was confident myself by the revealing shirts he seemed to catch me wearing everytime. I figured he was probably like every guy asking me out and just wanted one thing…

Well two weeks of phone conversations he convinced me to let him take me out. He and his date was nothing I’ve had before! Instead of the typical dinner and movie and lame first date questions and thoughts of sex, we went wine tasting and bowling, went to walmart because he “needed to buy amo to go shooting in the morning and might as well get it while were out” bought board games, icecream and rootbeer. Went to his house to play checkers and drink rootbeer floats and watch a movie we both already seen 500 times. We both fell asleep on the couch, moved to the bedroom, he gave me a pair of sweats and we didnt kiss or have sex… It was like we knew eachother for 10 years and we just hung out like old friends. It was nice, different… We’ve been dating ever since!

He makes me want to be back into the marriage scene. He makes me want to work hard and be successful like him. My ambitions and goals are set high and achievable because of him and basically Im not sure if I love him but I know I love how we could be in the future. He will make a perfect husband. He has a career and children and goals and future plans already accomplished. He intimidates me and now that he has got to know me and what I am all about, I question why he is with me at times. Because he is so focused on his career and goals and future, I wonder why I havent scared him away yet with my slow process and lack of luck when it comes to money and order.

So along with my close friends and family, I know that I am confident and funny and friendly and joy to around. I have something to say out loud and infront of everyone. As a Leo too, Im not afraid to be center of attention. But now that this man and I are now known as “boyfriend and girlfriend” I have a problem. I all of a sudden have no confidence when he is present, I feel like I choke up and cant spit out a word, I feel embarassed, the littlest flaw I have I all of a sudden become insecure about. I dont want to look at him in the eye, I tense up, I cant carry a conversation with him. I NOTICE THAT IM INSECURE AROUND HIM SO MUCH THAT I EVEN TRY TO HIDE THE FACT THAT IM INSECURE IN THOUGHTS THAT HE MIGHT BREAK UP WITH ME FOR BEING INSECURE! Does that make sence? I apologize to him for not having much to talk about, but dont tell him its because I have a thousand thought is my head going over the flaws he could leave me for.

Im sure he knows I get a little intimidated and insecure.. I am 10 years younger than him and a little more new to the parenting and career choices and indepence living than him. He says he likes me for my humor and he too sees a future with me. He sees me as a wife and mother. He wants a woman at home with the kids that he can provide for, but he wants a woman who doesn’t rely on him to take care of her too and he says he sees that in me. But that is in the future, is that why I get all insecure and non communitive present day! Why do I have nothing to say when I see him if I know I like him so much! Why do I insist on wearing my makeup all the time and dressing up around him and afraid to take it off like I’m trying to impress him when he doesn’t even like it when I wear makeup. Im used to winning a guy over through looks and sexual intentions and appeal, not through who they think I am going to be in the future… so I dont know how to act!

What can I do, I dont want to be all shy around him. I want to be secure and confident and fun to be around when I am with him. I dont want to worry about our future all the time, I want to have some memories in the moment too.. What can I do to myself to improve, Im afraid that Im going to loose his attention and interest in the relationship if I can’t even hold a conversation anymore..

-An Insecure Leo?

[April Masini]

Shakespeare wrote, “The lady doth protest too much,” and that means that when someone says the same thing over and over, there’s a good chance it’s not true. I’ve heard you tell me in your post how incredible you are and how confident you are over and over, and before you reached your own conclusion at the end of the post, I was scratching my chin and thinking, hmmmmm, for someone so confident she sure does have to sell herself a lot!

You’ve become hardened, and while I’m not sure when or why that happened, the bottom line is that you have a lot of masculine energy and this guy you’ve met, who sounds great, has more than you do, and for the first time (ever?) in a long time, he’s turning you into the woman because you’ve met your match in terms of male role playing. Now, for the first time for you, perhaps, you’re with a man who isn’t acting like a child! And that dynamic demands you be the woman (not the mother), and that you be honest and open and you probably haven’t done that in ages.

The glue of relationships is honesty and respect and you can’t have the latter without the former. Your fear of showing your true self is going to prevent you from having his utmost respect and may sabotage the relationship. You’ve done so much in your life, but you haven’t been really honest — and risked rejection like this (with something and someone you really want). Well, darling, it’s time!

You need to peel back the layers and show him who you are, warts and all. You need to cop to your fears. You need to tell him how you feel when you’re around him, and you need to feel and think deeper. What you don’t realize is that by being honest, you give him a chance to see — and love — and reveal his own — a deeper self. And then what happens is that the relationship reaches even more intimate and precious levels. Sex will be even better. Trust will be better. Respect will be better.

Yes, you risk rejection. And that’s what’s held you back, but as you already know, you’re at a turning point and if you don’t face that fear and possible rejection…. you insure it.

Be brave. Be yourself — your whole self — and let him see you. You’ll find that if you do, you’re not turning into someone else, you’re evolving and authenticating your real self 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go

[Author]

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