[relationshipa1]

My ex & I broke up almost 2 mo ago.He wanted 2 see/talk to me daily.Had me meet the fam/friends =they liked me.Hypothetically talked bout the future.He kept sayin how he couldnt believe how happy he was.Towards the end he had financial/work troubles – so we broke up & he claimed it was cos he was “no longer feelin it” *made no sense 2 me cos he couldnt get enough of me & had other random reasons for break up IE im not outdoorsy*.Every relationship hes been lied to/cheated on & I was bout to go on a trip for 2 wks.We’ve kept in contact, been intimate.Recently he tried to make me jealous sayin hes datin someone we know/cant believe how much they have in common etc.He couldnt shut up bout it.I saw him the next day & he didnt mention 1 word bout her.Instead he complimented me & had a cheshire cat grin the whole time we hung out, still has a lovey dovey keychain I gave him still in his car.Gave me a long-squeeze the life out of u hug.Recently he dropped off some art I did for him *im borrowin it*.He said he was doin a drop off but ended up stayin the whole night at the bar w/ me, despite the fact he said he was exhausted.Claims he hasnt hung out cos hes still in debt/work not goin well.I said dont worry bout the money issue – so he asked if i was free durin the wknd.Seems like our relationship always comes up *mainly him bringin it up*- he mentions how hes fickle etc & it was his doing, that our relationship ended-He doesnt believe he can change*I said he could if he tried & gave him an example*.He also mentioned that I did alot of good for him/in our relationship.That night he walked me to my car..we had a small chat followed by awkwardness – we were done speakin but neither of us walked away,just stood there..as if waiting for something.He only contacts me when theres news (like he recently got hit by a car while riding his bike).In person he seems interested in me but via txt/phone – seems like hes distancing himself *said he was awhile back*.We’re supposed to hang this wknd.Im tryin to be friends w/ him cos i DO care & would hopefully like him back but am not depending on it.I just dont understand him…Why is he like this?

[April Masini]

What you’re describing in your relationship is a problem I come across a lot with other women. They don’t want to accept what their man is telling them or the way he is behaving. They look for reasons that he’s wrong, or ways for him to change. If I could tell all the women like yourself who write me with this problem one thing, it would be: Listen to your man and pay attention to what he’s doing.

It’s often women who say that their man is not listening to them or not paying attention to them, but that’s not what I see! Truly, it’s the other way around!

Your man is telling you he has too much stress with work, money and debt. Listen to him. He is not able to be in a consistent and committed relationship right now. He loves you, he likes you, he wants to have sex with you, but he’s not going to give you what you want because of issues he has in his personal life that he wants to work out first. Take him seriously.

Instead of wondering what’s going on with him or how to change him or convince him he can do other than he says, focus on [i]yourself![/i] If you continue seeing this man who gives you attention and affection, it’s going to be hard for you to find someone who will give you everything you want in a relationship because you’ll still be connected and committed to him — and eventually very unhappy about it.

My advice to you is to stop seeing him. You don’t have to make drama about it, but you do have to be clear with yourself and him in order to avoid unnecessarily hurt feelings. A clean break is easiest — in the long run. If you want to see him every three months for coffee, try that, in order to keep up a friendship with an ex. But you won’t be able to move on, if you don’t make the break.

In addition, you won’t give him an opportunity to work out his personal problems if you don’t respect his words and actions. For instance, if you give him a clean break, he gets to see how much he truly misses you and he can decide whether to solve his work, debt and financial problems in order to win you back. So, you see, by cutting off with him because of these problems he has, you’re actually giving him respect for himself, and a chance to be a real man, by fixing the problem, trying to win you back, and becoming the prince you deserve.

By telling him money doesn’t matter, you’re fooling yourself, and disrespecting him as a man. If he’s telling you money matters, to him it matters. Respect that. He wants to be the man who can be financially secure, and after all, isn’t that what you deserve?

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