Why would he do this to me? How to get over the anger

[relationshipa1]

I was going out with this guy for 2 years. It started out I met him online and he was an emotional wreck, so being the kind person I am I attempted to befriend him and make him feel better. (big mistake) I felt miserable right away, never felt happy again. Only a few weeks went by until he started acting like he liked me, and after a month or two he confessed he had “strong feelings” for me and from then on pressured me to be his gf. 6 months past after we befriended each other and that’s when I finally saw him in person. It was my very first date. After meeting him and getting along well I finally gave in to the pressure and agreed to be his gf. (I know, dumb idea) He talked about how in love he was, how we were gonna get married, how good I was to him, how he was always sad because we couldn’t see each other much, etc etc, and i believed him. We already were talking for a while so red lights been reared its ugly head. He was very sensitive, negative and emotional already, and I found that communicating to him was difficult and nearly impossible. He was very passive aggressive and never said what was on his mind, negative, never took initiative to call or see me, always talked about his piss poor life (his parents, college, debt, being overwhelmed, not being a good person, etc.) and how people were always doing him wrong.

I was patient and took it for a while, but got sick of it eventually. After a while we started fighting a lot and I just felt miserable, but couldn’t communicate that to him as he cried often and always took what I said wrong. After several times of expressing how I wanted to get out, i stayed anyway. He went away for a trip for school to another country during the last few months of the relationship, and before he left he told me that his parents made it difficult for him to contact me cuz he was doing badly in college. (it was always something) He said he knew it was unfair for me and that we would get through it. Months past and I hadn’t heard from him, so I sent a letter saying how i’d be there for him if he needed to go to the military (to work off debt) or away to another country for school (i didnt know he already did at the time because he never communicated that to me) and how i was so wrong and what i would do to be good to him and improve myself. (I thought everything was my fault)

Couple more months past, no return letter. Or messages. I’d call once or twice but he never answered. But it turns out he was around anyway and just didn’t respond as i found out later. When he came back he didn’t contact me either, so I finally found the courage to not just contact him through web and things (cuz he wasn’t answering) but call him instead (1st time in a while. When i called he said he was out, “with someone” and would call me back later. He called back and said “i’m only calling you back because you wanted me to” and basically only talked about all the problems and his future. Never brought me or the relationship up, so I did and asked why he hadn’t. From then on he blamed me for everything that was wrong in the relationship and himself, played the victim (as always) and broke up with me. It turns out he wanted to and basically did break up with me but didn’t find the balls to pick up the phone and tell me or message me back & let me know this. I had to call and find out. His excuses for not messaging me back were “i thought you were mad at me” and “i have overdue minutes” and bs excuses like that. Well, i wasn’t mad at him because he saw the messages and the letter of which i basically sacrificed my own pride and happiness for him just to support him and make him happy.

Also, if you’re breaking up with me for something that hasn’t happened in a while, why didn’t you do it then as opposed to now? Why now after it isn’t even happening anymore? He made me feel bad for asking him if it was another woman after he wasn’t contacting me for a while and told me it wasn’t another woman and pointing the finger some more. He said he still loved me but couldn’t take it anymore, that i “hurt him” and that he needs to “heal”, bring balance back into his life (friends and family even though he isolated himself form them and wanted to talk to me all the time even when i asked him if he really wanted to) and work on his career and school. While he was doing all the blaming I agreed (because i was in the worse emotional state after not hearing from him in all that time, driving myself crazy sick) and took in all the blame and cried and begged. I looked like a damn idiot and he showed no remorse.

He asked me if we could still be friends and i agreed. He wanted me to call him every week, that was the plan. After that happened, a few days later, i realized how bad he did me, it’s been 4 months, and I haven’t called him since (and neither has he). Looking back, i’m wondering to myself what it really was…one man’s perspective said it was another woman…but he wasn’t the cheating type….I just keep going through my head what I could have possibly done…because nothing he said made sense. I gave my all to him for 2 years and suddenly he does that to me. I’m no angel, i said some things when we fought, but never did i ever turn my back on him, cheat or anything. I was really good to him and supportive and believed in him when no one else didn’t, despite the things I said when we fought, after his narcissism drove me crazy and I couldn’t take it anymore, though, it’s no excuse, I should have controlled myself more…but it doesn’t excuse his behavior.

How much more could i have been for him to have him want me still? Superwoman? I endured so much and stayed with him even when I didn’t want to because he was obsessive, begged me to never leave him, I felt I owed him and didn’t wanna leave his side, knowing I wasn’t happy with him. I found it hard to leave him but he found it easy to leave me suddenly. I’m heart broken, confused and angry & will never speak to him again. Friends? Eff that. He freaking played me. I feel embarrassed, hurt and unworthy, like garbage. I should be asking myself, why did I let this go on, why did I allow myself to be in a relationship like this to begin with…and I guess the answer is I was looking for love and have a habit of making men who aren’t right for me right for me, setting myself up for disaster, which I need to stop doing…but instead, I find myself asking….why did he do this to me after everything and so suddenly and unexpectedly?

Why…

[April Masini]

If you act like a doormat people will step on you left and right. This problem isn’t about him — he’s been consistent from day one. The problem is you. You dated a guy who was never very nice to you and now you’re surprised that he’s behaving the way anyone looking in from outside could have predicted.

You need to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself what you want from a relationship and how you’re going to get that. You also have to pay attention to peoples’ behavior and believe it — because it sounds like you were trying to impose your will on him to make him be someone he’s not and never was.

You should read Think & Date Like A Man immediately. You can buy it on the websites for Barnes & Noble or Amazon — or right here! [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It will help you understand what men’s behavior means, and how to find the man you want — and keep him.

I hope this helps you get over the anger that you’re misdirecting at him. The truth is you’re mad at yourself, but it’s easier to blame him. Do the hard work and change your own behavior. The pay off will be huge. I promise. 😉

Please follow me, as well, @AskAprilcom (no dot) on Twitter. 😀

[Anonymous]

[quote=”April Masini”]If you act like a doormat people will step on you left and right. This problem isn’t about him — he’s been consistent from day one. The problem is you. You dated a guy who was never very nice to you and now you’re surprised that he’s behaving the way anyone looking in from outside could have predicted.

You need to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself what you want from a relationship and how you’re going to get that. You also have to pay attention to peoples’ behavior and believe it — because it sounds like you were trying to impose your will on him to make him be someone he’s not and never was.

You should read Think & Date Like A Man immediately. You can buy it on the websites for Barnes & Noble or Amazon — or right here! [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It will help you understand what men’s behavior means, and how to find the man you want — and keep him.

I hope this helps you get over the anger that you’re misdirecting at him. The truth is you’re mad at yourself, but it’s easier to blame him. Do the hard work and change your own behavior. The pay off will be huge. I promise. 😉

Please follow me, as well, @AskAprilcom (no dot) on Twitter. 😀[/quote]

How was I trying to impose my will on him when he pressured me to be in the relationship and be his friend from the beginning? I may make men I know aren’t good for me good for me anyway because I want to find love that bad, setting myself up for disaster, but “imposing”? No…and I don’t agree that it’s all my fault. I am only mad at myself for letting an emotionally unstable man into my life,believing everything he said, and allowing myself to be taken advantage of. & he wasn’t mean…just depressing and very negative.

[Anonymous]

How was I trying to impose my will on him when he pressured me to be in the relationship and be his friend from the beginning? I may make men I know aren’t good for me good for me anyway because I want to find love that bad, setting myself up for disater, but “imposing”? No…and I don’t agree that it’s all my fault. I am only mad at myself for letting an emotionally unstable man into my life,believing everything he said, and allowing myself to be taken advantage of. & he wasn’t mean…just depressing and very negative.

[April Masini]

You’re displacing your anger about your situation onto me. I’m trying to help you.

You’re trying to will him into someone he’s not — that’s what I meant when I said you’re imposing your will on him. It’s not likely that he “pressured you” into being his girlfriend. I take it he didn’t hold a gun to your head, or blackmail you into dating him. 😕 People don’t pressure others into dating them — they invite them out or over, and you get to say yes or no. You get to show up or not show up. There’s no REAL pressure. You’re an adult who has free choices in life. You can say yes, no or maybe. You can decide to date someone or not date them. Instead, you’re blaming her for your choices. You’re angry because you expect him to be someone he’s not and you’re not able to accept the fact that he never was who you wanted him to be, and he was never going to behave the way you wanted him to.

If you are admittedly dating men who are bad for you because, as you put it: “I want to find love that bad, setting myself up for diaster…” 😯 then you have no one to blame but yourself. I understand you want love and a relationship, but don’t shirk responsibility in dating. Exercise your right to say no if someone isn’t compatible or behaving the way you’d like them to. Don’t stay in the relationship and then blame them because you couldn’t get them to be someone they aren’t. 😳 If a man is depressing and negative, he’s not good boyfriend material. Instead, my suggestion, as before, is to read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], so you know how to find what you want in a man. There are lots of tricks, tips and pieces of strong advice in this book that will help you weed out the Mr. Wrongs so you don’t have to waste time and end up feeling taken advantage of.

I’m sorry you think I was being negative — it was never my intention. I just wanted to tell you where you went wrong so that you have the opportunity to accept responsibility, understand you’re not a victim, and make changes that will allow you to let go of your anger. I hope you can do that.

[Anonymous]

How did I try and make him someone he wasn’t? What was I trying to make him into since I was obviously doing that? I mean, are we reading my posts here? What did you get from my posting that made you believe I was trying to make someone into someone else? Expecting someone to be a good friend and not stab you in the back and blame you for problems they had before they even met you is not me trying to “make him into someone he is not” it is me expecting that he be a decent human being and a good, loyal friend like I was.

ANYONE who is decent and human expects this from others, especially those you THOUGHT cared about you. And anyone who has been in my position knows what pressure in a relationship mean. You have never been in that position so you of course don’t understand and ridicule the idea. You basically are saying that it was my fault, I was in the wrong and he is the victim who did nothing wrong. How could anyone read that post and get THAT from it?

[April Masini]

Your anger is blinding you from seeing the advice I’m giving you.

Maybe when you calm down and re-read these posts you’ll see things more objectively. You have the right not to agree with me — or him — but getting angry isn’t going to make you feel better.

I hope things start looking up for you! 😀

[Anonymous]

Did you even read that post? It was relatively long and explained everything your previous posts were about and you don’t respond to them? I thought this was supposed to be an advice thread? I asked for advice on trying to know and make sense of why he did what he did to me and how I can get over the pain, and you blame me, misunderstand things and ridicule it. I will ask again: what did I say in my posts that suggest I was trying to make him something he wasn’t? What was I trying to make him, how was it my fault and why is he not responsible for any of his part?

[April Masini]

If you are willing to stop engaging and fighting, and start listening and thinking, you’ll have a chance to let go of this anger you have. Otherwise, you’re going to continue to project it on me — and other people. 😳

[Anonymous]

Wow, you know what? No one was even “angry” in the first place, I asked for advice on something you never addressed, and it’s messed up that you turned a thread where someone was seeking advice into a bashing, judging-frenzy. I asked how to get over the pain regarding a horrible break up and relationship, and you tell me I did this and I did that, I ask you what did I do exactly and to give me proof from my posting and you proceed to continuously & randomly call me angry for no reason and without basis. You have no right to tell me how I feel, because you don’t know and it isn’t known over the web nor is that relevant. I asked you simple questions and all I needed were simple answers, not assumptions and judgments about ME.

You expect me to not get angry over time after you tell me constantly that I’m angry opposed to just answering my damn questions? I asked for simple advice and you never answered it, but instead you misunderstood my post and went on a “you’re angry and you did this and you did that” rant and I ask you to support it, to give me a reason for the things you concluded other than the fact that you’re just trying to build a rep that you tell people “what Dear Abby doesn’t have the guts to say”, and you didn’t. I wasted my time typing that long post for advice. This board was a sham and I’m thoroughly, & tremendously disappointed.

If someone here would please read my post and while not letting her posts influence your perceptions, give me advice I ask for that pertains to my actual situation, please? It would be very much appreciated.

Thank you (not) and goodbye.

[April Masini]

This is a FREE relationship advice website, and I’ve given you that free advice several times now. If you don’t like the advice, you’re equally free to ignore it.

I’m sorry you’re so angry, but being rude is inappropriate and it’s not helping you — or anyone else. Please stop posting here so that other people can ask questions and get advice. I’m sure you can find other resources.

[Anonymous]

YOU’RE the one being rude, and DON’T tell me where to post, I post where ever I want. And no, you didn’t give me advice, you gave me rude, insulting rants and now you won’t shut up. Quit telling me I’m angry. NOW you’re doing it to purposely be an asshole. Leave me alone and quit replying to me already.

[dale]

This would be hilarious is it didn’t prevent April from answering my questions and others questions instead of trying to help you, who clerarly doesn’t want her help.

You state,[u]“No one was even “angry” in the first place[/u]” and “I ask you what did I do exactly and to give me proof from my posting and you proceed to continuously & [u]randomly call me angry for no reason and without basis[/u]” ???

Are you kidding?

[b]Read your own subject title woman.[/b] Did you not write “Why would he do this to me? [b][u]How to get over the anger[/u]“[/b] ? 😡

Gee, I can’t imagine why April thought you were angry? 😕

Go find some place else to vent. We’re sick of you here.

Let me guess? Now you’re gonna tell me off, right?

[Anonymous]

Dale, shut the eff up. Can you hear the sound of my middle finger pointed downwards? Want me to turn it up? I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks of me. Don’t nobody care about you saying you’re sick of someone. You want a cookie now? You feel like you’re big and bad man now? Just because you say that I’m going to stay around even longer now. How about you make me leave, asshole, since you’re so big and bad? MAKE me.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and btw dumbass Dave, don’t reference any of my posts, INCLUDING my thread’s title. You obviously are too simple-minded to put two and two together by reading my post correctly and understanding it like a smart man is supposed to. You didn’t read crap correctly or understand it, so don’t even bother thinking you can reference any of my posts, bastard. Oh and now you wanna try and bitch to make everyone reading this thread think you’re some kinda big and bad man? You don’t impress or phase me. Make me leave then? I didn’t think so.

Shut the eff up and go about your dumb business, jerk.

[Author]

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