[charmedlife93]

My fiancee (now ex-fiancee, I guess) is 37 and I’m a 47-year-old female. We’ve
been together 3 years, engaged for over a year, and we have lived together for 2
1/2 years. I’ll call him John. John and I have built a good life together…a
beautiful home that we share, my teenaged son who loves him and vice-versa, two
dogs, white picket fence, the whole works. A life that he’s never had before,
never thought he’d have.

Here’s the story: We live in a state that John hates. He’s only here because
this is where I lived when we met and I have a teenaged son who is happy here
and I can’t move til he graduates high school and gets off to college (less than
2 more years). I always told John I’d move with him as soon as my son was off to
college. John has always been miserable here…hates the people, his job, his
boss, the redneck attitudes, the weather…everything. But he’s stayed because
he loves me and my son. However, over the past few months, our relationship has
hit a rough patch. I never thought it was going to be the end for us, I always
figured we’d work through it, because we loved each other. Meanwhile, about the
same time, John’s younger brother and sister who live up North (where John is
from and where he has been longing to return) both started having alot of
problems. Marital, depression, financial…all kinds of stuff. They are much
younger than he is, and he raised them after their parents died. Now they are
all adults. But his brother asked him to return north to help him out
financially…in spite of the fact that John and I were engaged and had built a
life together. I was floored when John admitted to me that he was considering
going. (And never did the word “temporarily” get mentioned!) He was waffling
back and forth, couldn’t decide what he wanted to do, this went on for weeks.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to take control of my own future. I
figured that if he didn’t KNOW he wanted to be with me, he needed to leave. So
I gave him back his ring and told him to go. And he took me up on that.

A part of me wonders if he wasn’t purposely trying to push me into making the
decision for him. Or if he was considering it because he hates living here so
much and, since we’d been having problems, our relationship was no longer enough
to keep him here, he saw his way out. He said that, besides helping out his
siblings, he needed time to get his head together and make absolutely sure if we
were meant to spend our life together, and to make sure that he loved me “in the
right way”.

That was over a month ago. We’d decided that he would stay until Oct. 31st so
that he could give notice at his job, get some money set aside, do some things
around the house to help me get it ready to sell (because I can’t afford it
without him). The strange thing is that, since he decided he was leaving, our
relationship has been wonderful. We enjoy each other’s company more, we
communicate much better, the sex has been amazing…almost like when we first
started dating. Lately he’s also been saying that he hopes that I won’t start
dating right away because he wants the opportunity to come back once he gets
things figured out. He also said he’d send money to help with the mortgage
payment because he doesn’t want me to sell the house yet because it’s where he
wants to live if he comes back. He obviously wants to keep the “coming back”
option open. He tells me that he loves me several times every day, he’s doing
things to help make his departure easier and prepare me (home repairs, talking
to my son about stepping up and helping out, getting big chores done in advance,
etc…) When we talk about being apart, he gets very sad, and has even cried a
few times when we’ve discussed it. But he’s still leaving. He truly believes
that this is something he has to do. When he talks about the possibility of his
coming back, it’s never guaranteed that he will and there is no time frame on
it. I am beginning to think that it’s more about figuring out if he and I are
right together than it is helping his siblings, although he talks equally about
both. He says he needs to figure out why he has a life-long history of running
away whenever his life gets happy and settled. He had a really bad childhood,
by the way, passed around by uncaring, drug-addicted parents, very poor, and
being stuck raising his siblings. I had a good upbringing, plenty of love and
I’m from a fairly wealthy family. I have a college degree, he doesn’t. Not
that it matters to me, just thought it might be important to your answer.

I need to add one more thing here. I caught him a few days ago texting with an
ex-girlfriend who lives up North where he is going. I had been uneasy about
this “friendship” since she found him on Facebook 6 months ago, and I made that
clear to him. She was openly and actively pursueing him. So he was secretly
communicating with her for the past couple of weeks (so he says) because he
didn’t want to hurt me and he knew I’d be upset. He says that he is not at all
interested in her romantically, but he had gone to her for advice about our
relationship because she’s known him for over 20 years and knows his history of
running away when he’s got a good life going, and just wanted to talk to her as
an old friend. When I found out, it was a huge blow-up and originally I asked
him to leave immediately. After things calmed down, he begged me to let him
stay until Oct. 31st as planned because he wanted to spend every minute of that
time trying to rebuild my trust in him, to convince me that I’m the only woman
he loves, the only woman he can see himself with, and that he made a stupid
mistake for which he’s very sorry. He told me that he will never contact her
again, no more communication with her ever, if it meant that I’d still consider
leaving the door open for him to possibly return once he’s “figured things out”.
Of course, once he leaves, I’ll have no way of knowing what he’s doing, so I’ll
have to take him at his word. But he made a pretty good case when telling me
that he’s not interested in her at all and he has never once, in our three years
together, given me any reason to doubt his honesty and faithfulness.

So, now you have the story. I assume that, once he leaves, he and I will only
have contact by phone. There have been no plans made for us to see one
another…at least not yet. He did ask me to come up for Thanksgiving, but I’d
already made other plans (and I kinda thought he was just asking me out of guilt
because he thought I’d be alone, since my son is with his dad on Thanksgiving).
But there are no concrete plans at this point for us to see one another, no
definite plans for him to return. Just his constant reassurance that he loves
me (but still needs to figure out if he loves me “in the right way”), his
sadness and tears when we talk about being apart, and his need to make things
right for me in his absence, and his hopes that I will keep the door open to
allow him to return.

In your opinion, is this a man who might seriously be considering coming back to
me? Or is his talk of possibly returning and hoping I won’t start dating right
away just a way of keeping a Plan B in place in case things don’t work out when
he leaves? Is this a relationship worth saving or should I just let it go when
he leaves? It’ll be hard…I love this man with all my heart and truly looked
forward to spending our entire life together, and it’ll be a long healing
process…but I will survive it. I guess I just need someone’s opinion on
whether I should hold on to hope and wait for him, or should I just move on?
And two more questions for you: do you think that being apart will be good for
us, as in “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, make him miss and want me
enough to come back, or does absence make the heart forget? And, lastly, can
you suggest any specific behavior, any certain way that I should act to behave
when we talk that might encourage him to come back to me?? Thanks for
listening. I really needed to get his out. I look forward to your reply.

[April Masini]

Your ex-fiance is carrying out his historical pattern of upending good relationships, and ironically, that seems to be the one thing you can count on with him. If he really wanted to marry you during the 2 1/2 years you’ve been together, living together, and engaged, he would’ve, but the engagement was just his way of placing a marker on you without committing all the way.

I’m pretty sure you know all this, but you may need to hear it again.

In answer to your questions, while he may come back to you, possibly after subsequently upending a good relationship “up north” where he’s going, he will probably upend his relationship to you once again, since he has a history of doing this. So my advice is to let him go, and grieve the good times, but know you will find a more stable love in your future with another man. I know that’s hard to hear right now, but since your son is almost old enough to graduate high school and go off to college, you’re going to be facing a lot of freedom when that happens, and a lot of space to make a wonderful and committed romance happen with a[i] true[/i] Mr. [b]Lifelong[/b] Right! 🙂

Hoping for absence making the heart grow fonder won’t work for this guy because he’s capable of committing for several years, but then he bolts. So absence making the heart grow fonder isn’t really your friend in this situation. He’s very capable of becoming fond of you again, and of missing you — what he can’t do is stay. You shouldn’t encourage him to come back. If he does, it has to be his own independent decision. What he’s doing to you by ending the relationship to move up north where he will probably reconnect with the old friend you speak of, and date other women, as well, is too final and traumatic for you to allow yourself into a yo yo situation. In fact, he’s not just going “up north” because he hates the state you’re both living in, and to help his younger brother and sister with their own drama. He’s going back to his family of origin — the one where the drug addicted parents passed him around to be raised, when he was a child. He’s going back to get involved in more family drama, which is what he grew up with and is used to, and away from the stable life you and he created together. His personal issues are trumping anything you want or need in a man. 😥

For your son’s sake, it would be nice if you and your ex can be friends since your son was close with him, but what is more important is that you are stable, so if you can’t be stable when seeing your ex again, or seeing him knowing he’s dating, then wait. Your son will be resilient and understand.

So for now, sell the house, downsize, and spend those last two precious years raising your teenager before he launches to a life of independence, and at the same time frees you to start the next round of your own adventure in life! 🙂

[charmedlife93]

Wow…awesome way to look at this. I’ve thought this problem through almost obsessively since it first started, but you brought up things here that I hadn’t even considered. Thank you. I’ll save your reply and think it through!

[April Masini]

It’s good to think “outside the box” sometimes, and when you’re in the relationship, it’s often hard to see what others can see.

I’m glad I’ve helped, and I hope you’ll keep in touch and let me know how things work out.

Good luck! 🙂

[charmedlife93]

Hi, April. I’m back for a follow-up question. This is the last 2 days of the worlds longest break-up…it’s been 5 weeks since we decided to split (see my earlier post) and we’ve continued living together, carrying on almost as if nothing has changed, we’ve been really pretty good together, with the exception of many, many sad and deep discussions about our past, our future (if there is one), and how we got to where we are today. Admittedly, most of these conversations were initiated by me. I think it’s just my nature to need answers and reassurances, and he’s been really patient and kind, and some of these conversations have allowed us to exchange thoughts and ideas that we didn’t know the other one had been having. Not that this changes anything. He’s still leaving to “figure some things out” and go home to his family (and maybe the other woman? see above). This whole time he’s always told me that he hasn’t lost his love for me, he still loves me as much as he always did, and his hope is that after he figures things out, he can come back and we can get back together. He has continued to talk about things we’ll do in the future, and “when he comes back”.

But now that we are so near his departure date, he seems different. Much more detached, a little bit cold. Not as patient with the relationship conversations. This just started over the past couple of days. When I mentioned this to him he got harsh with me and said “It’s just frustrating!! I think about all of this 24-hours a day, I can’t stop thinking about it!! And I don’t know how to make this easier for you!” A couple of my friends told me that he’s either a) questioning his decision to go and trying to maintain his resolve, or b) starting to force himself to detach. Do you have any idea what’s up at this point?

[April Masini]

His behavior is understandable as his departure date nears. I can’t tell you what’s in his head, but that’s not important. If you’re looking for some glimmer of hope that he’s having a breakthrough and a turnaround, you’d be fooling yourself. He’s wrestling emotionally with his past and his present, and the fact that you are being so civilized with him is not what he is used to in his past. He may be trying to manufacture some drama that will help him leave the way he’s left other relationships, or he may be trying to punish himself since you aren’t. But all I’m doing is guessing because you’re the one that’s writing me — not him. I can only know what you tell me is in your head.

What I’d like for you to do is to continue to maintain civility through his departure, and keep the spotlight focused on you. You need to take care of your needs, as you prepare to be single again. Your wanting to know what’s in his head is your way of trying to maintain a connection with him, as you’re breaking up and saying goodbye. Let go, and let him go with all his history and his emotional journeys behind and ahead of him.

You’re the star of your show, and you need to heal yourself, recover from this relationship and then get right back out there and find the man who is truly Mr. Right for you.

[Anonymous]

i definately think that if he intended to come back to you, the 2 of you would not be breaking up upon his departure to the north and he would most definately tell you he was coming back! it seems like he is just leaving with a clear concience.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

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